Entry 774: Her, Nutella Kisses, Sex, The Ex…

Fuck.
That’s a good fuck by the way.
But still.
Fuck.

So I had her over this weekend.
She met a lot of people.
Well, three people, but that’s a lot for her.
My brother, a very old school friend and an old school friend.

There’s not much to say on the fact that she liked them all.

The very old school friend.
We went to see the new Twilight film with her and it was better than the others.
Which isn’t hard to do, I know but still.
But when we came back, we went upstairs…
And I brought the Nutella and some strawberries with me.
We sat and ate them.
We kissed.
It tasted… 
It was Nutella kisses.
But I had Ed Sheeran playing on my laptop.
I had a live stream of kittens up as well
(it was there before I returned my laptop back on)
And she says to me…
"How perfect is your night? Your girlfriend, strawberries and Nutella, kittens and Ed Sheeran in one?"
And I’m not going to lie, it pretty much was.

It got to the point where she was on top of me…
And I like her on top of me.
And I like her on top.
And I like her.

I said to her today.
When we were downstairs.
It was just us in the room and we kissed.
And I said to her, with a smile on my face…
"I like you."
And she smiled back and said…
"Good, because I like you too."
And kissed me again.

Everything with this is just going so right.
I’m half expecting something to go wrong.
Or half expecting it to be a dream.
She just amazes me.
Every single atom of her being amazes me.
And I wish I could explain to you all how she makes me feel.
I look at her, and I don’t want to look away.
I look at her, and everything seems okay.
I look at her, and I can’t help but smile.

I was showing her pictures of when I was little.
And she says to me.
"You were a cute child, what happened?"
And she called me he, and Jack, and said his. 
And used all the right things in front of my parents.
And my parents didn’t say or do anything.
Because they can’t.
And she makes me happy.
 

Okay.
Now.
On to something still related to her.
But something more.
Sex.

Now.
Currently, the way we have sex, is great.
It fits us both, and we both… Well. Anyway.
But, I want to…
I want to have sex the way anyone else can.
I want to have sex the way any other guy and girl can.
But I can’t.
So I was kind of talking to her about it.
And she’s okay with it.
I found something.
She hasn’t seen it, she hasn’t asked to see it.
But we’re both nervous.
I think I’m more nervous than her though.
Which is understandable.
I mean, I’ve never done it before.
She has.
Maybe just because the times she’s done it it’s been with you know, a normal guy…
But that makes me a little more nervous.
But kinda makes me feel better, because she can help, you know?
I also kinda really want to go down on her.
I never have done before.
To anyone.
But I really want to with her.
I’m just nervous about it.
Like, in general.
I’m nervous about doing new things anyway.
And still nervous when I’ve done something hundreds of times even if it’s with a new person.
I don’t know what I want from this.
From me writing this I mean.
I don’t know if I want your help.
Or if I just wanted to write it all down.
I don’t know.
 

My most recent ex, Sarah, still has to meet her though.
Which is going to be a tough one.
Because Sarah already doesn’t like her.
Mainly because she was cheating on her (now ex) boyfriend with me.
I’m not sure if it’s because she could do the same to me.
Or what.
But I like this girl.
And I’d quite like her to stay in my life for a long time.
So they need to meet.
Sarah’s mum wants to meet her.
I mean, she’s happy about it.
Why can’t Sarah be?
Why can’t she be happy I’m happy?
She has a boyfriend, I’m happy that she has that.
Can’t she show me the same…?

And yes, I’m aware I haven’t told you her name.
I don’t think I want to just yet.
It’s like my little secret…
But I will do.
Maybe.

-Jack.