I Belonged

I was finally crying and weeping again yesterday, though joyfully and heavenly.  For the longest time my eyes remained dry, walking through the deepest sorrows and loss in life.  To a phenomenal storm they gathered, but never came to be.  The last time I looked, they crystalized into fossils.

Would it have sounded cheap to say that the tears were caused by watching America/Britain’s Got Talent?  Not because of the show, but because of the authentic feelings displayed on so many faces all at once, for two straight hours.  Authentic, empathic, ecstatic, they openly overflowed with the most precious feelings in being human.  To me, I saw heaven, I was in heaven, I did not know heaven existed.  That had always been where I wanted to live since birth – in authenticity, in the no-other-love-than, in appreciation, in the beauty of always truly and fully expressing ourselves, eyes forever shining in expectant hope and honest simplicity, and of course, not to speak of the music itself! I have not seen such unguarded emotions in people since teenager.

The judges were beautiful authentic beings themselves, they have eyes with souls in, truly appraising the forever flowing music, and even more rarely, they often displayed in split seconds, true compassion.

All of them gathered to make their dreams come true, and that dream reached me, I saw a heaven where simply-be’s was, where simply-be’s brought forth the most beautiful music and voices.  Even the invisible editor somehow made his/her talent very visible, bringing in the most soul wrenching music in the most emotional moments.  And what with the slow motions also in place, my feelings and emotions rose and fell in line with everybody up there, with every music and flow of the show.  I felt that my hope, dream and talent was earnestly held too, and that the world that I only dreamed of until then, truly does exist.

Maybe the drastic difference in accents, American to Bristish, triggered all the locked up memories I had as a child growing up.  I truly miss British accent, the way they express themselves somehow tap into my deepest being.  “That is how I would have expressed it!”, I exclaimed all night, while the American openness and forthrightness hit me, like meeting my best friend again and again in our old British school.

I never knew I could feel to such depth and dimension, I weeped with such joy and elation.  I suddenly, and finally knew where I belonged – in music, in the belief of uncovering music, talent, what was given to us from birth, that is within each and every one of us.

I was made to believe that I was music deaf in my young self, always despondent and feeling like an outcast, never understood and all alone. But now I am coming back as strong as ever, finding the music in me, finding the voice, finding the people, the fervor, the dream.

I have never felt so alive and so belonging, I have found my people.