Transitions

I want to start writing more. I read over my old diaries and I realize how much I have forgotten…and to be honest maybe that is for the better. Maybe forgetting was a defense mechanism for my brain. But I think even though it’s painful, reading it helped me to put a reason to a lot of the feelings I still have that are rooted in trauma. But I’ve always loved to hold onto things…memories and momentos. I want to write a book someday. A book of my life or a book about different people with mental illness who can’t yet tell their story. I want to tell a story from a position different than a rich white persons story like prozac nation or a million little pieces. I don’t know what the purpose of the book would be other then letting other people a glimpse into my life. PErhaps there are others kids out there suffering as I was, and this story could give them hope or even just validation to know they are the only ones. I don’t know how I would write about my life to make it interesting, but I guess that is something I would have to figure out. All I know is I want to keep writing. I think writing is really good for my soul. It is like therapy for me. It helps me to release and reflect. And it helps to document my growth. I don’t often give myself enough time to do anything really for myself other than scrolling on my phone. I feel like my entire life is in service to other things other than my own joy, however I also think the opposite. I do many things because I think they will bring me joy in the long run. My life is centered around school and I do that because I know I want to make a lot of money and help people. When I’m not doing school I’m taking care of kendrah or worrying about that. When I’m not doing that I’m trying to improve my relationship. Or I’m helping my mom. Or now I’m doing work. Theres not much time I devote to just being me underneath all of this. But I know myself tries to fit the time in when it can, by mindlessly scrolling on facebook or getting drunk. Then I feel like I wasted time. Like any time spent not accomplishing something for some outside thing is a waste. Like relaxing is a waste. I think that may be a big reason why I continue to want to drink. It’s a time I can help myself to feel good. Because otherwise I don’t give myself time.

School: Be Confident in your work
I am finally starting to enjoy some aspects of school, well every aspect except the deadlines and the presentation. It’s hard when I’m passionate about a subject but I don’t ever have time to read into it as much as I want because of deadlines and all the other things I have going on. I gave 2 presentations and it was so terrifying. I had a panic attack while I was doing it. I think I most certainly have social anxiety. I think a lot of people do but for some reason I feel like mine is more intense than others, or more noticeable. In my presentation I had to speak about health risks for children of alcoholics and why I am interested in that topic. I went back and forth on whether I would mention it was because of my own experience. I noticed that everyone else brought up “I want to study depression in teens because my husband had depression” or “My dad died when I was young from kidney problems so I want to study hypertension”. I ended up saying “I hear professionals even sometimes say how some children are throw aways, or lost causes because of their environment, how they grew up, and how it just continues the cycle of generational trauma. And that really affects me when I hear that because both of my parents are alcoholics, my grandparents were alcoholics etc and that could have been me, I could have been a throw away child. But here I am in Vanderbilt becoming a nurse practitioner. Then I look at my cousins and see some of them homeless and drinking everyday. So I want to study what creates resistance in some people. And I think adolescents is a perfect time to study it because adolescents are learning who they are, they are starting to experiment with drugs, and studies have shown that if they start earlier they are much less likely to ever reach recovery. When I got done with my presentation no one had any questions. It made me feel as if there was something wrong with me becauseevery  other presentation people had questions. After I finished people came up to me saying they really liked my topic. And a big part of me thinks they were probably just saying that to make me feel better, to have pity on me. But who knows. I try to tell myself the only thing I can do is continue to try. Continue to be genuine and to put my best effort forward. Continue to get good grades because that’s all I am there for anyways, to graduate. And I did the presentation and I got the grade 100%. There is no point looking back and feeling any type of way about it because I accomplished the goal. I think in some ways though this way of thinking is very isolating. I think this way with a lot of things. But although it helps me to keep going on despite the fear…it prevents me from trusting people or creating relationships or ever believing that I am worthy or good. Its always just that I did it and I made it through. I think it’s pretty avoidant to be honest. What would it feel like to accept their complements as truth. And to feel as if my presentation was as good as others and that people enjoyed it and that I did a good job ? What would it be like to believe that I didn’t just get through it and its over so forget about it….but that I did amazing! And to be proud of myself and confident in my work. I don’t know because I never feel like that. So I guess that could be one of my Goals.

Kendrah: Enjoy parenting as a mindful experience
I have started to realize that most of the time when I am parenting I am anxious. I am anxious because it’s not really an experience to me, I don’t really ever allow myself to be in the moment and enjoy time with my daughter because I look at parenting as work and something I need to accomplish to prevent my daughter from becoming like me or her dad. It’s constantly in the back of my head “How can I prevent her from becoming a drug addict or go to prison, or from self harming or having an eating disorder” I’m always worried everything I am doing that is causing that, and everything I do is to try to prevent that. I push myself to be a parent constantly. I do things because they are the “right” thing to do not because I want to. And I start to think is it even possible for me to enjoy it? I know I love my daughter but does any part of me really enjoy being a mom? Or do I just feel this intense responsibility and that’s whats keeping me going. If I didn’t feel this dread of responsibility and worry, would I like to be a parent? I know I love to see my daughter smile. That is my goal is I want her to be happy. I want her to also be well rounded and disciplined. It’s just so difficult. The hardest job in the world. I wish I could just sit and enjoy being a parent. I wish I had fun when I did things with her, but I don’t think I do. I think maybe its just I don’t like to play dolls but I feel so bad for that. I feel immense guilt and I keep telling myself this day I will play dolls with her but I never do. I start to wonder am I really just depressed? Do I not find joy in anything? Because it sure does feel like not just with her but most of my life is me just gritting my teeth to get stuff done. I think I do like going to the wildflower garden with her. I like going on nature walks. I need to bring her more to do things that I enjoy so we can enjoy them together. Like doing art. I want to be more mindful and present with her rather than exhausted. I know she is growing up and then all this time I could have played dolls will be gone. I want to play dolls before it is too late. I think perhaps it will be easier when I have more help. When her dad is here then I won’t be doing everything myself. Then things will be consistent and I can actually enjoy the times I do have with her rather than being around her all the time and becoming exhausted. I feel so bad for the way things have gone in the last couple years. With her dad living far away and her doing back and forth. I just feel like it has been so much for her and now she has these mental problems and I miss the little girl she was before. When she would remind me that we forgot to brush our teeth rather than scream when we had to. I am hoping that her dad here will help us to get back into a good routine. I know that’s what I really needed when I was young. I desperately wanted structure and routine and stability and safety and calm and warmth in my home but I never got it. I lived in chaos and yeah it was fun sometimes but it was also really scary and frustrating. Thats probably why I loved camp and the psych ward so much. I craved that routine. And now I have the ability to create it for myself. It’s hard. It’s a long process of learning. I think I am slowly getting there. Reading my diary reminded me that there were so many things that traumatized me that my parents just didn’t think were a big deal, and I didn’t tell them because I didn’t think they would care or listen. So I think a big thing I need to do with kendrah is let her know she can always and should always tell me if anything makes her scared and uncomfortable because I will always fix it for her.

Transition- Be gentle
I was reflecting yesterday on how much I am going through right now. My dad died, I started grad school across the country, I’m going to have to move soon, I started my first job as an RN which is also my first job in 6 years and my first ever “professional” job. I started talking about my trauma in therapy. It’s just so many things going on recently that have brought up anxiety. So many transitions. So many risks. So many jumping in to things. So much forcing myself to just do it. And it’s hard. It’s really hard. I feel like every week I am telling myself “The only thing to fear is never being scared” and its great, you know, that I continue to do these things even though I am terrified. But I’m just so tired of being terrified. I’m so tired of facing the unknown and feeling like I have so much going on. I want to feel calm and safe for a while. And I don’t know when that will come. I guess just reflecting on it helped me to feel gentle towards myself.

Work- Grateful
At first I was going to try to get a full time job. But then I prayed about it. I wrote down “Bring me the job that is the best for my highest good” and I lit a candle and put it by my dads ashes. And although I thought I wanted to work at Fairview job…I chose emily program and I am so glad I did. I think starting out small is perfect for me. For every other job I’ve had I’ve always started with more hours and instead of asking for less I just got burnt out super fast and ended up quitting. And I realize I don’t want to make the same mistakes I’ve always made. I don’t want to overwhelm myself. I want to be gentle with myself and I want to allow myself to take things slow. So far I really like the people I work with. They all seem super friendly. It’s just me being socially awkward. But again I tell myself “Well I’m already hired, they can’t fire me for being awkward” Again, that helps me to stop worrying about a catastrophe….but it doesn’t fix the underlying issue of low self worth and social isolation. I was so nervous with talking to my boss and she said she could tell. I don’t know how to speak normally, but I think perhaps maybe with practice I could get better? Maybe once I work a while I will get better? I guess we will see… I also had a panic attack when I told my boss I was in recovery for self harm. She was talking about how self harm is a coping skill for some and some people get really upset when they see it. I told her I had scars on my arms so I didn’t know if I should show them. She said it would be fine as long as I had what I wanted to say ready…I guess I will have to practice that. She said they will also probably look at me like “I get it” and that is so true. I remember seeing someone with scars when I was in the hospital and it was actually really calming for me.

Dad-

I haven’t wrote about my dad a lot and I want to. I guess the main things I wanted to write about are how I keep seeing birds since he passed. Like bunches of cardinals. A huge black bird when I was at his grave. And a blue bird after my first day of work. I think it is definitely a message from him.

I also wanted to say how I have dreams of my dad. The most memorable dream was one where we went through scenes of all the times at his house, and it was him apologizing to me. And he also told me that he would be there for me as long as I needed him. I think perhaps he was saying sorry for all the bad things that happened to me when I was at his house. I think in your past life you can still come back and make ammends.

It’s been particularly hard to grieve because my grief is mixed up with my trauma. The more I study ptsd….they more I think I definitely have C-PTSD and I really need to get help. I’ve needed help for a while but I think it’s time I get it. Another reason I’m glad that I only work 2 days a week because I need time to make these appointments for myself. It’s time to heal my mental and physical health. And that starts with stopping from drinking.