This Week-Sabrina Sexual things and confusion

Sabrina needed a place to stay for a week and I offered up my house, I was excited for her to come over but I was also scared I would bore her. Little did I know I did way more worse things than bore her. Ever since last year with alll the crazy sex I started getting closer and closer to her and after being with her as a friend for a while all I wanted was to save her from her pain, I could feel her pain it was like an aura and I wanted to hold her and soak her in love so she would never hurt again. I wanted to take her under my wing and hold her if she cried tell her she was beautiful, tell her she deserved to be loved and erase all the wrong things that everyone who has been close to her has ever done or said to her. But I’m starting to think this was a big mistake, I feel like I have caused her even more pain than anyone else has. Like I said all I ever wanted to do was make her happy, sex wasn’t on my mind. She spent five days here and I wasn’t looking at her with a lustful eye I was trying to make her feel comfortable and loved. I held her hand, we didn’t even kiss like we did that other night she was here. I have just been so confused with what she wanted. Ever since I spent the night with her and bethann I felt like I shouldn’t try to touch or kiss her anymore, I just didn’t want to hurt her I wanted to love her. We took a shower together twice I think and I didn’t even touch her, I may have wanted to but I put those thoughts away and we were friends. Maybe thats how it should have stayed. She was texting bethann on and off the whole time and it didn’t really make me jealous like she may think just worried, I was worried what bethann was putting in her head so I would read her texts. I would also read her texts to see how she felt about bethann so I could figure out if I should hold her or touch her or not. Up until the forth all we did was basically hold hands and me hold her when she went to sleep a couple times. I like it when she falls asleep in my arms so I try to stay awake as long as my meds will let me but I dont think she is comfortable so I think she stays awake and moves away later. I can tell this whole time there is tension between dan and sabrina. I can tell that dan thinks I am spending too much time with sabrina and that sabrina might be getting jealous when I am touching dan. I give dan a handjob on the same bed she is laying on because he cant sleep and he says it will help him sleep but I ask her first if she minds, I ask her to tell the truth and I ask her more than once she says she doesn’t mind. At forth of july we hold hands when we go downtown and watch fireworks. I hold onto her the whole time, she is my safe person. But I feel bad because I just want her to have fun. I try my hardest to get to the bridge before the fireworks come on because she wants to see them. She says her asthma is acting up and i tell her to take her inhaler but she only takes one puff when she needs to. I have to take a xanax to deal with my anxiety and I want to kiss her after the fireworks but I don’t.The day after the forth she wanted to drink and I wasn’t really sure about it. I didn’t really want her to drink to hide or drown out her emotions but I ask her why and she says because she hasn’t drank in a long time so I ask dan to buy some with her. I become weak and I feel left out so I decide to take some xanax to get high. But before all this I think she sends me a text like "What if I want to kiss or touch you will he get mad?" Dan said he won’t and he offers to leave the room but she says he doesn’t have to. I ask if it is ok if he can touch me when she kisses me. Or visa versa she says it is ok. I guess this is when it is going wrong. Maybe if you are being intimate in a polyamory relationship you should separate the two people and just tell them the truth later. Anyways I have a feeling that she might just be drinking so that she can do sexual things and blame them on the alcohol later, because I know that is what I used to do or use the alcohol to cover up her pain while doing sexual things. I tell her to her face that that is my fear. She says that is not it, she says the truth comes out when she is drinking and that maybe she just wants to drink because she was too pussy to do it before. She makes it clear that she does not want him to touch her and I even yell at him telling him he cannot touch her at all. I end up taking about 1.5-2 mg of xanax when my usual dose is .5, just because I feel like I can’t feel it. I don’t know tough because later I end up drooling on myself and laughing at weird shit and feeling like I can’t breathe. I feel like it took away my inhibitions because I am in the middle and I end up kissing her, I think this is the first time we have really kissed on the lips since she has been here. I might have kissed her on her forhead before this like I said I would hold her and touch her in a non-sexual way maybe kiss on her forhead but this time we make out. Somehow it ends up that dan is fingering me, this is why i think the xanax effected me even though I think it didnt because I cant really remember the order of things or any details. I know that I make out with sabrina and we touch each other. I end up fingering her because she says she is horny. I am super nervous but I make my way down and I end up fingering her. All I can think about is how bad I probably am at it and I ask her to tell me how she likes me to do it. She says it is good how it is but I know she is probably lying so soon after this I stop. After this I dont really remember but she fingers me and it feels really good. While she was at the store earlier dan fingered me and it felt really good but when we were all three together he didnt feel as good as earlier and sabrinas touch feels really good, she tells me not to fake it and I’m not but soon after that she stops. Some other stuff happens and she gets up I am not sure if it is because she is drunk or if she just doesnt wanna do it anymore if she regrets it or not. Dan starts getting mad and I think its because he didn’t get off and I get really mad at him because I dont want him to think this is just about sex. He tells me the truth later which I will talk about in another entry because I am still confused about it. I really like it when she lays on top of me or when I am sitting on top of her naked but she says she is not horny so I dont take it any furhter this whole time i am so confused though on what to do because she is naked and she says she isnt hirny and she said she gets horny really easily from people and I am touching her. Anyways, After a while I take my imipromine and I pass out with her in my arms i try to stay up for her but i cant. The next morning she says she didnt fall asleep when i did and i get sad because I want her to fall asleep with me in my arms! Anyways the next day I wake up feeling hung over the next thing that happens between us is when we are dancing and when dan leaves the room during a song she pulls me in for a kiss. I love it her kiss so soft and her lips i cant even think. Later bethann calls and I tell her to answer it, this whole week me and dan are trying to tell her how bad bethann is for her. Bethann calls her a slut for liking me. I go off and call her a bitch. I didnt even c

all her a bitch when she called me a slut but I know how much her words hurt sabrina so I just fucking go off on her like crazy and try to tell sabrina about how her past has made it hard for her to say no. She says no to some people and I feel like I am making progress with helping her with her problems. she hardly talks to bethann and she looks like she is doing good because I truely think that bethann is bad for her. Anyways while we are dancing and listening to music bethann calls and i tell her to answer and while she is talking to her i hold her and kiss her neck. I guess this is one of the things I do wrong along with fingering her while dan is in the room. Anyways after this is when it all gets bad. She starts to text bethann more and bethann asks for the truth I tell her if she loves bethann and wants to get back with her tell the truth other than that just tell her its none of her business. After this I read through her texts and it ends up that she told bethann that we fingered each other but she was drunk and hardly remembers a lot of it. This gets me really down because it is obvious that she is ashamed of what we have done. I thought that she had wanted it by the way she had acted but I guess I was too high to see. At this point is when I decide I wont touch her at all anymore because she obviously doesn’t want me anymore, she wants bethann. I still love her and want to be there to help her but the sexual things are making her feel bad so I wont do them anymore. But the more she texts bethann the more sad I get that I caused her pain. I don’t pay as much attention to her, I pay attention to dan and sleep with him, I take him to therapy and go out to eat with him because he says that he wants to spend time with me and I figure she would rather text bethann anyways. While I am talking to my mom about her treatment she ends up cutting herself at my house with scissors that I saw in her hand  and thought about it for a second but then she left and I forgot because my mom was talking to me. There is just so many people i love with priblems I cant keep up with them all and I feel really guilty for not seeing that coming and stopping it! When I see this she thinks i will get mad but i end up crying because maybe my therapist is right when he says that i cant help anyone but myself. I wanted to take away her pain so bad but I multiplied it, before my house she didnt cut for weeks. I try to talk therapy to her but i dont know if she is listening or cares. I read more entries that point towards that she regrets everything she ever did with me and that she thinks bethann is the only one who will ever love her and it just makes me really depressed. I just don’t know what to think. Bethhann  says all she wants is the truth but when she gets it she is decietfull and just basically tells sabrina she will never see her again. No wonder why sabrina never wants to tell her anything. But I guess sabrina loves her and there is nothing I can do. I am obviously making it worse so like I said if I want to make her happpy the best thing I can do is back off and try not to be around her. She chooses bethann and I cannot tell her not to. That is not my decision. She chooses so I will be here for her but only when she asks. We go to church and I ask God for help in this and all I feel is an overwhleming feeling that I want to hug sabrina. This is wehn I finally know that it is not bad to be Gay or Bi in the eyes of God because God would not lie to me as I pray to him honestly. He tells me some other things in my life that are not about this entry so I will put themsomewhere else. Anyways I dont hug her because I just dont want to hurt her I hold her hand tho just so that people will know in the church maybe that this is how I feel. Anyways I guess I made a mistake with fingering her. God tells me sex should only be out of love and love is clouded by drugs like xanax and alxohol. Throughout the week I didnt think sexual thoughts,  just about  wanting to touch and kiss her but not get fingered by her, I maybe think about fingering her once but only to make her happy. I only want to touch her and kiss her because her body attracts me and for some reason I feel that kissing her tenderly will take away the pain, that is the reason I hold and touch her most of the time. To make her feel safe

Ugh there is just so much to write about for the week. Maybe I will write more later after sabrina goes home and I am at home.