Sex

 Me and dan had sex today. I really wasnt in the mood at all, too much on my mind even though I hadnt had an especially stressful day sometimes I just don’t feel like having sex. Like there is better things to do with my time. But he kept bugging me yesterday and today saying that all this tension built up this last week when we couldnt have sex since sabrina was there. That he hasnt had it in so long he just wants me so bad blahblah blah. It’s like I can only say no so many times before I give in. Everytime I say no he gets depressed looking and I get sad because he doesn’t even seem interested in looking at my baby photos with me that i just found, after I say no to sex I ask him if he wants to look at my photos after I use the bathroom, he says "maybe" while laying in the bed moping, then when I come back I ask him in an excited voice again and he says "sure". This saying no and dealing with the consequences is tiring and I give in. At first I try to enjoy it but then the thoughts come to my mind not bad thoughts just thoughts about the day and what I did etc. I’m not really consentrating cause i’m not horny at all. That’s when I notice this is just a bad idea because I am only basically having sex because he wants it and it makes me sort of hate him everytime this happens. So I tell him to just hurry up and cum he asks me how I want him to like in what position or handjob bj etc I say i dont care whatever will work faster. He has sex with me a while longer and its getting harder and harder i keep feeling bad feelings towards him because he knows I am not enjoying it but he NEEDS his cum anyways. It’s like he doesn’t care about my even though he says he does. I say it is ok but shouldnt he wanna stop if he knows that i am not enjoying it. He says not having sex will hurt him because sex is how we can be intimate and close and show love but it doesnt seem like he cares about that when he will fuck me whether I am getting pleasure or not just because he only came once this past week it is my duty to satisfy him now. Anyways after a while he says he just wants a handjob I say ok I frown i dont smile, I dont let him touch my boobs i just give the handjob and when he cums on his stomach the first thing that pops in my mind is: That is our love, just wasted away on a cheap handjob because he was horny and couldnt deal with it. No love. Since we hadn’t done it in a week you think the first time he would wanna cum after a long while would be out of love so when i saw him cum i just felt so sad and….not mad at him but just losing trust.

Sometimes I don’t want to have sex, sometimes I dont get horny for weeks on end. Is that bad? What should I do. My therapist says he has needs too, and it is ok for him to be frustrated but its ok for me to say no, I don’t get it though. Is this really cause of my past or is it cause im stressed or just I dont have a big sex drive? 

Yeah so talking to God like I said he said only have sex out of love. That wasnt sex out of love. I failed. So yeah. I’m really sorry for that.