Sabrina

She asks me if I can come over to her house and I want to. Every time she she asks me I want to. But at the same time I don’t. I wonder what my hair looks like, my makeup, my clothes, everything. I get so nervous I look ugly but most of all  am scared I will bore her. Sometimes I would rather stay home because I know the whole time I will be mad at myself for being so boring. I don’t have anything to say, I used to be so fun and now I’m not. She makes me so nervous, and it kills me not to know what she is thinking about me. I start thinking maybe I shouldn’t have any friends but I know that I need to in order to get better. We go outside for a walk and we talk and put up posters in her room we talk about fun times she has with other people and I wish that was me. I wish that I was fun like I used to be I wish I didn’t have anxiety! I take my xanax too early so i end up taking 4 xanax again today and I feel like such a loser such a failure, such a hopeless addict.

While she is cleaning her room she finds the report from when she got raped. I read it and I can feel the tears and anger build up inside of me. Her pain is my pain and I want to hold her. This whole time I just want to hold her and kiss her. But why would she want that? Why would she want me?  I want her to know that she is loved and that she is BEAUTIFUL. So many people treated her wrong and led her down the wrong path, even her own mom! (with her eating disorder) All the people she loved and trusted either hurt her or don’t understand. I just want to fix her. and I want to take her pain away but I am too afraid to even touch her or say anything since she doesn’t wanna talk about it. I go quiet. I get depressed, I get this sinking feeling in my chest anger and sadness that these terrible people could do that to her over and over again(the rape and sexual abuse/harassment)! I’m so confused on what to say or do. This is were she probably thinks I am even more boring than before because I can’t stop thinking and fighting in my mind. I just stay quiet.

What I want is to just be close to her and kiss her. Just be with her and protect her. I feel so gay and pathetic its like a crush that I can’t have because I know she probably doesn’t feel the same way since she has bethann. I feel like she is my best friend and I feel like I love her like a friend because when she hurts it makes me so sad and angry but if I feel like if I say she is my best friend and I care so much how can I feel so distant and scared when we are together like there is nothing to do or talk about? I have this feeling she doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, she thinks i am pathetic and boring. I never had that many friends so I have bad social skills I don’t know what to do when you hang out and i’m 19 its pathetic. Even though I feel she is my best friend I am not hers she has bethann and she has donovan and erica. I wish that I could be like them. I wish that I could be a fun person like I used to be.

I get mad at myself because I tell dan I have a crush on sabrina and I want to be with her. Like a polyamorous relationship. It’s so confusing for him and I feel like it’s all for nothing anyways because when I am with her I can’t even get up the courage to touch her because I know she probably doesn’t want it. I don’t want to hurt her like the other guys did. I only want it to be her decision and she talks about bethann and it makes me jealous.

Sometimes I think maybe I am making this all up in my head and blowing it out of proportion.

Ah I’m just so confused maybe I will just write later.