PANDEMIC BOREDOM INFECTING MY BRAIN CELLS
IT IS A NEW VERY TERRRIBLY LETHAL AND NASTY STRAIN OF BOREDOM AND IT IS HIGHLY INFECTIOUS. ITS LIKE THE BALCK PLAQUE OF BOREDOM COMPARED TO THE COMMON COLD OF NORMAL BOREDOM. I’m going crazy. I feel so bored with life, so stuck, so restrained, so lazy, so empty, so…nothing. I feel so depressed, I feel so afraid, I feel so frustrated, I feel so empty I think I am about to implode with all my emptiness!!! I’m going crazy from lack of stimulation in my life!!!! I feel like the chicken in a factory farm, they cut their beaks off because stuff in that cage all their life they will peck themselves or other chickens to death because of BOREDOM, IT DRIVES THEM INSANE. IT’S DOING THAT TO ME! Everything seems so dark, so drab, so monotone, so….nothing, empty, lack of any color, vibrance, newness,. It is not only the winter outside right now it is the winter inside of me, there are no new flowers growing, there is nothing growing, everything is dead and empty and cold and lifeless, the same damn thing everyday….white snow on the ground muddled with exhaust and dirt. I feel like my life is nothing right now, no excitement, no purpose, no reason, nothing. I feel like I am just floating in empty space for thousands of years waiting for just a speck of dust to pass by so I can look at it. I don’t know in the end I am just so bored with life that is all I can really say to sum it up. But it is so much more, I get these passionate feelings from deep within me that I must do something, anything to make use of my life. I feel so restless, there needs to be a synonym for restlessness that is the most passionate extreme form, like agony is the worst sadness I have felt and panic is the worst fear I have felt. This is one of the worst restless. I am so sick with my life, there is nothing for me, I am doing NOTHING, i’m not going backwards or forwards, I am not going up or down, I am not going fast or slow, I am not creating or destroying, I am not happy or sad. I am nothing, I am bored. I NEED EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING INTERESTING, SOMETHING TO CHALLENGE MY MIND OR MY BODY. INTELLECTUALLY, PHYSICALLY, PSYCOLOGICALLY WHATEVER. I’m sick of doing the same old boring things everyday I need a change so bad. I AM WASTING MY LIFE, EVERY SECOND THAT GOES BY THAT I FEEL THIS TERRIBLE FEELING WANTING TO BURST OUT OF MY CHEST I AM WASTING THIS PRECIOUS THING CALLED LIFE, THE GREATEST GIFT THAT CAN BE USED SO BEAUTIFULLY. But right now my life is like the fugly sweater you got as a christmas present five years ago, sitting at the very top of your closet tucked away in a corner, you don’t even remember it is there, it is eternally forgotten, lost out of the hardest deepest harddrives in your memory, it hasn’t moved since you got it and feined interest and now you wouldn’t even be able to accidentally stumble upon it because so much dust has collected on it I don’t even know if it still exsists or if the dust has eaten it alive. Everything around me is just so faded, so old, so farmiliar, and I am doing nothing but sitting, lying in bed all day of everyday, sitting, sitting, sitting. Watching movies, texting, writing in my diary, talking with dan about the same old shit, I swear I spend 50% of my day sleeping, 40% of my day doing things to try and make dan happy such as cuddling him when I don’t want to, comforting him about some stupid shit, having sex that I don’t even like and of course talking about the same old STUPID FUCKING OPEN RELATIONSHIP SHIT AND THE SEX SHIT AND THE SEEING EACH OTHER LONG TERM SHIT AND OUR FEELINGS. Oh my fucking God our fucking feelings!!!!!!! I’m so fucking sick of all this SHIT. Fuck all this shit!!!! I’m so fucking sick of feelings and emotions and problems and cuddling and comforting and talking it out and making it work and working it out and comprimising and breaking news to him that he doesnt wanna hear. I’M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT I COULD JUST PUKE A BIG PILE OF I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ALL OVER THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW!!!! See I wasn’t even going to write anything about him in this entry but he had to fucking bring up the fact that I am writing a diary and he just had to listen to emo music because I didn’t wanna talk about alex and I am writing a diary. I am just so sick of it, sick of taking care of other people to the point where I am just saying fuck you to them. I have my own problems, they have theirs. I am doing something about my problems for myself, why don’t you fucking do something for yours instead of always expecting me to come save you and say sorry for something that you did and fucking tell you that your not fat and worthless everytime you say it out loud. OMG LAST NIGHT PISSED ME OFF TO THE MAXIMUM I JUST WANTED TO GO TO SLEEP BUT DAN ENDED UP WANTING TO FUCK SO I WAS LIKE WHATEVER, THEN HE THOUGH HE WAS GIVING ME PLEASURE AND I TOLD HIM HE WASNT SO HE MADE THIS BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT IT AND ITS NOT THE FACT THAT HE SAID SORRY THAT MADE ME MAD, IM GLAD HE SAID SORRY AND STOPPED, AND SAID HE LOVED ME I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE WITH THAT AND THEN WENT TO SLEEP. BUT HE HAD TO KEEP FUCKING SAYING "OMG IM SO STUPID", "I’M AN IDIOT" "I HATE MYSELF" OUT LOUD IN A TONE OF VOICE THAT JUST SCCCCREEEEEMMMED "TELL ME THE OPPOSITE!!!". IF THERES ANY SHIT I HATE IN THE WORLD ITS SOMEONE CALLING THEMSELVES A NAME JUST TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL THE OBLIGATION TO TELL THEM A COMPLIMENT OR THE OPPISITE. LIKE I DON’T GET HOW THIS SOMEHOW MAKES PEOPLE FEEL BETTER WITH THEMSELVES. OBVIOUSLY IF YOU SAY THAT AND WE REPLY WITH A NICE COMMENT WE ARE JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, NOT NESSESARILY TELLING THE TRUTH, AND OBVIOUSLY IF YOU EXPECT US TO SAY THE OPPOSITE TO YOU, YOU DONT REALLY THINK THAT OF YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE SO WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT?!?!?! I KNOW. TO MAKE YOUSELF LOOK BETTER. YOU DON’T WANNA LOOK LIKE YOUR COCKY SO YOU SAY YOU ARE UGLY AND HAVE THE OTHER PEOPLE TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE PRETTY. YOU DONT WANNA LOOK LIKE YOU DONT CARE AND YOU DONT WANT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT YOU DIDNT REALLY THINK YOU DID ANYTHING WRONG SO YOU JUST SAY OMG THAT WAS SOO STUPID OVER AND OVER AGAIN SO PEOPLE CAN TELL YOU NO BABY IT WASNT STUPID IT WAS MY FAULT NOT YOURS. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP IT WITH THIS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BULLSHIT AND JUST SAY HOW YOU FEEL ALREADY OR GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME NEXT TIME HE DOES THAT TO ME INSTEAD OF TOTALLY IGNORING HIM AND LETTING HIM SIT THERE CALLING HIMSELF STUPID WIAITING FOR A REPLY WHEN ALL THAT CAME WAS ME SNORING I AM JUST GOING TO SLAP HIM IN THE FACE INSTEAD AND AGREE WITH HIM. YES DAN YOU ARE STUPID, YES DAN YOU ARE FAT, YES DAN YOU ARE WORTHLESS, YOU ARE EVERYTHING YOU SAY YOU ARE EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW ITS NOT TRUE CAN WE MOVE ON NOW?!?!?!??!!?!?
Anyways, that is my rant on dan for right now and just saying that for now on I am not taking care of anyone, when they are being emo I am ignoring them, I am do
ing what I want to because this is my life that I am wasting. Go ahead and waste your life all you want but I am not going to waste mine feeling sorry for you when I have spent my whole time on earth basically trying to help you. So this is just my big fuck you to the world. Not that I’m not nice or that I don’t care. Just I am NICE TO MYSELF FIRST. I CARE ABOUT MYSELF FIRST. Before anyone, I don’t care who you are, so yeah. I can lead you by example but I’m not dragging your ass through life anymore.
Ok that was another rant. What I was basically getting at in this entry is that I need something new and exciting and mentally stimulating!!! My brain is bored to fucking death!!!!! So I was thinking, either I start unschooling and/or going to courses around at local places for art and such things or I move to AZ. Yes those are my only two choices for right now. This place and all the people around me have just gotten to boring for me to handle. I either need to change it up here by challenging my brain with unschooling and classes or moving out of the state where everything and everyone will be new. See one is less drastic and thats the cancarian and the saturn inside of me talking. Don’t do anything impulsive or crazy, even if it is fun I mean its just…….crazy and you know so out there. You dont wanna do something to out there do you???? What could happen?????? Be afraid be very afraid of change and adventures in life. Adventures and spontenaty in life are bad and you should never EVER DO THAT AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS!!! I’m being sarcastic of course. Anyways I thought about the unschooloing and classes route cause I guess if your speaking in social norms that would be the most PRODUCTIVE thing to do with my time. I tried reading some books today, drawing, writing, thought about knitting. But I can’t do any of it because I know I forget things so easy, I need a way to remember things and use things. Thats the thing I hate reading something that I am not going to use or remember for real life. That is why I am so against schooling in the first place. Anyways, so I thought I coulg look online and get the teachers lesson plans for the books I want to read and lesson plans for all sorts of courses even art and then post my kind of Q and A and tests and quizes and findings from these lesson plans on an open diary or a blog or something. Everything always has to have a purpose for something higher with me. I need to be able to form a new opinion or find out something new about life, feelings, or facts from reading something and then be able to integrate ideals into my life that I learned from reading it. So….that is what I would do if I did that. Lesson plans and blogging and taking new classes like knitting, sewing, learning to do other things as well, beading maybe? Thinking about this I am actually very sad I didn’t start school this semester :(. But anyways my other plan was to move to AZ with this cool new dude I started talking to and met at church, alex. We have a lot of the same interests and ideals and we get along over text, hes nice and really cool. I’ve never been to arizona and in contrast to how the last plan would be productive and furthering according to social norms and society. This kind of trip to go live with someone I hardly know, who has a life totally different than mine, in a place i’ve never been, away from home, away from everything, everything new, this would be productive and furthering in a more deeper life experience sort of way. Which has basically how I became the person I am today actually, learning through life experience. What do you think formed my charactar more school or skipping it? LOL skipping it is the answer. Going to summer camp, being rebelious and crazy, breaking rules, ending up in the psycho ward, traveling across the country with a bipolar boy, living at my dads with the constant in and out of renters, all this and more shaped who I really am and honestly the rest came from reading and researching on my own time, ok maybe I’m give school .5 percent of what i learned there helped shape who I am and thats being nice…So anyways like I said I love learning through life experience. You can learn things in the most simple of situations, just because they are exciting and new and there are so many new things to observe, write about and experience. Breathe in, just live. Isn’t that what life is for? Living instead of reading about someone else who did the living and is now telling you what they learned from it? Sounds kindah silly now doesn’t it? Life is about living, making mistakes, being impulsive just for the hell of it, not talking about living in the future while sitting here playing starcraft or laying in bed daydreaming of some day. The day is now, the day is always now to change your life and make it crazy. Make it a laugh instead of a blank expression on the face of your world. I think I can always learn a lot through traveling and meeting new people from different backgrounds, alex was addicted to hard drugs and is getting kicked out of his house, that is some shit I would like to talk about and just experience the people around him. Anyways I’m going to go now maybe I will write more later I will probably get a lot of negetive comments on this telling me I am stupid and not thinking straight, selfish and mean. But I heard a great quote by albert Einstien
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
Albert Einstein
I believe that is the very story of my life sometimes. Maybe that is the one i’ll get tattooed. Or maybe since I can’t decide I’ll just get something pretty and random like a butterfly or some shit. Ok well yeah bye, I am going to go back to sitting in bed not doing shit, waiting for my nest text or notification. PAthetic. That is the perfect word for how my life feels right now PATHETIC when really I want it to be BREATHTAKINGLY UNFORGETTABLY CRAZY WONDERFUL. byebye. hopefully next time I write i’ll have done something about this. oh but I forgot to say the thing with trying the lessons and unschooling thing for myself is that I have tried it before and I have very bad motivation by myself, I don’t finish things I started most of the time. Theres really no choice when you move cause you dont really start or finish it you just do it and see where it takes you.