overdue update

I think I am getting sick I have a headache right around my eye area and I just feel like shit. I don’t know what from. Anyways my sleep schedule has been all screwed up lately too I am awake more when it is dark and asleep when it is light. I am trying to keep myself up until it is around 9 or 10 so that I can normalize this but its not working for me. I always end up getting tired in the middle of the day and falling sleep anyways even if I wake up at a normal time and get enough sleep. I am also having problems with my back. It hurts to bad sometimes. I am going to acupuncture and she is working on the muscles. She sticks really small needles directly in the muscles, most of them I can’t feel going in but some of them it does hurt a bit. Then she moves them around, the ones around my shoulders it feel really good when she moves them around like a really deep hard massage without the pain. Weird huh? But the ones on my neck just hurt and in my lower back she says thats because they are tight. After she did that my back felt better for 2 days. This last time she did electro stimulation where she put the needles in and then hooked them up to this thing that makes it vibrate or something. She did this only with the shoulder muscles and the ones on the left were on really low and I could feel it and it was good. The ones on the right were on really high and all I could feel was vibrating on my skin and it didnt seem to help that much. When I got home my back still hurt and it still does now worse than before. I am also trying to make my posture better by sitting up straight, Dan says that might be the reason why my back is hurting because it isnt hurting in my shoulders really that much like it used to but higher in the middle. It is so hard for me to sit up straight to me it feels like a workout where I just want to relax and slouch. I don’t know what to do, I am trying to push through it but sometimes my back just hurts so much no matter what I do. Earlier I had to lie down it was so bad and that is when I fell asleep. My acupunturist also said that I may have a slight scoliosis, which is where there is an S curve in your spine. She said it may be from me slouching all the time or I could have been born with it. I don’t know maybe that is why it hurts so bad. I am going to go see a chiropractor on friday to see if he or she can figure it out and if it is with the bones that would explain why the acupucture doesn’t help. I really do want to stay with the acupucture though it really feels good to have those needles in my back. It also really helps with anxiety. She puts needles in certain points all over my body such as in my scalp, feet, hands, ears, wrist, and between my eyes like a third eye. I know this sounds weird but they do make me feel really calm and peacefull while they are in, I almost fall asleep sometimes. When she takes them out and I get up I feel as though I have just been sleeping but without be thirsy, uncomfortable, tired or all those other bad things I feel when I just wake up. It just feels really good. Once I heard there was science behind people cutting themselves, that certain parts of your wrist and arms when injured release happy hormones, it seems like this proves it because I have gotten the anxiety treatment 3 times and the time when she put the needles in my wrists it felt really good! She put it right in the middle above my tendon. So I do enjoy going there so I will probably keep going twice a week. I wish I could go more and for longer. Oh and by the way she also put me on these chinese herbal supplements that are suppose to help with anxiety and depression. She looks at my tongue to see what is out of balance and she says my kindeys and heart arent working together right, not litterally like in western medicine but in chinese terms. She said these medicines help and that I should try not to eat that much soy as it is bad for anxiety so I am trying to eat high protein and high fat from other sources. She also put me on magnesium, vitamin D and flax seed oil. I am also taking my effexor and buspirone from my psychiatrist so it is alot of pills to remember. I have pills for morning noon and night and it is hard to keep it straight when my days and sleeping are so messed up.

For the past couple days I haven’t been feeling so well and I dont know why its like the feeling I got when I was withdrawling from celexa. I just feel depressed and a lot of anxiety. Right after I got out of my acupuncture i still felt anxiety. It’s like it only helps when the needles are in me. She said it is suppose to help all the time and it seemed like it did at first but now i am getting worse and I dont know why. I thought maybe it is my schedule or something maybe I need to up my effexor medicine and buspirone. I took my xanax and klonopin I had left and my mom let me have 2 more but the new month is more than a week away and I dont know what i am going to do until then. Ugh my back hurts so bad right now not in my shoulder or muscle either. But I have aches in my head next to my eye too and the light looks really contrasted, dan said I might have a migraine. I also have pain in my wrist and hand on my left side. One of the bones in my wrist is swelled and it has been for a while it hurts to lean on that wrist or use it to roughly. I think I should go to the doctor because my hand also looses circulation in that hand a lot so I take off my rings and now my hand is starting to hurt I get worried what if I have arthritis. 

Some other things that have been going on is that i started smoking again. Its really bad because my lungs sting sometimes and I feel like I cant breathe right but that might just be anxiety. Oh that reminds me I was looking up about scoliosis and it says that one of the symptoms is that you feel like you cant breathe right because of the way your back is, I always used to feel like I couldnt breathe right so I would stop smoking. But it wasnt that because it just felt like pressure on my lungs or something I cant explain it and i had to curl up in a ball to get it to feel better I dont know whats wrong. Anyways stop talking about how sick I feel.

Some other things are that I burnt myself with a cigarette for the first time in like 9 months or something the other day. Its weird because when I hold the cigarette next to my skin my hands start shaking uncontrollably like they know what is about to happen, I get the adrenaline rush before I even go through with it. I used to be able to burn myself no problem even with these things but now I am always so scared because I know how bad it hurts. I thought about cutting instead but cutting doesnt seem as good to me lately because it is such a hassel, you have to find a clean razor get it out, and cut then tend the wound for days. Plus i always feel bad because I feel like oh I should have cut deep I should have cut more. With burning its not as complicated and plus it is an instant rush because it is more pain. You dont even remember the pain afterwards people would think it would hurt but you just feel calm it only hurts for like 3 seconds when the cigarette is on you. I love the scabs it makes I want to pick mine but earlier my hands arent clean and I was too lazy to clean them. I might later just because I love picking my scabs. Any way the reason why I did that was because of sexual problems I am having I am so confused right now about everything around

sex. I made an appointment for a sex/couples therapist but it isnt until june and that sucks. Well my feelings are the same as I have posted on here many times. Sex just makes me feel really bad and sad and I dont know why. Mosltly a male being pleasured. When it is just me being pleasured I dont feel so bad that is if I am horny which I hardly ever get horny. I think the reason why I cannot get horny also stems from the reason why I get so sad during sex which I dont know the exact reason but I know there is a conection. I think it has something to do with being *** by jesse or something else by someone else or in my childhood because I know even when I was little that discusted feeling would overwhelm me in the weirdest most normal times and I never could put a name on what it was well now I can put a vague discription that it has something to do with feeling violated. Another thing is that after a male that I have feelings for gets pleasure by or around me, I get extrememly angery at them there is this voice in my head that tells me they are only thinking of themselves and they dont care about me. It isnt like a skitzophrenic voice it is like my inner child voice or something because it is afraid and wants to curl into a ball. After wards I am really jumpy if you come up to me and try tohold me i feel gross if you talk I jump because I feel like you are going to hurt me and I plead in my head do not hurt me. I just get these gross and angry feelings and I dont know why. I can never get horny either even though I want to. I want to have an orgasm but I just dont ever get horny, the most recent time was a couple days ago when dan fingered me it was realy great but I could still not get an orgasm. Even though my voice in my head is telling me that you are filth and that you only are using me and I beleive it at that moment I dont know if that voice is true because that voice has been right before. I make myself numb and let you do whatever you want to me and i have written a previous entry on why i think i do that so i wont write it right now.  I also have this thing were if I think you want sex I will give it to you. Dan promised that we wouldnt have sex because he knows it hurts me but one day i knew he wanted it so i got naked and seduced him i make sure i kissed him the whole time so he didnt have a chance to ask me if i was sure i wanted it. I think the voice in my head is trying to make me prove to myself that he really is bad. Another thing that goes along with this is that I do not like older men, I mean like above 30 or 40. I beleive that all older men really would molest or have sex with me if they have a chance, that they are all dishonest and think gross things. I dont know why i have this feeling either. I am going to see a male therapist this friday and i have somewhat uncomfortable with that because I think that he doesnt just want to help me he has alterior motives. I know this may sound stupid but it is how I think. So anyways the reason I burnt myself was because I was very angry after me and dan had sex I just get this terrible angry and sad feeling that I can feel physically in my chest and it stays for so long. Ijust try to get it away by burning myself.

Another thing is that I know dan still wants to have sex with me he says that he gets blue balls and stomach aches from not cumming and sometimes that voice tells me he is just trying to make me feel guilty. I really try not to beleive it but like i said it has been right before so that is why i am so confused. I start to feel really guilty that dan is so depressed and in pain. I feel like it is all my fault he also thinks that I amd not attracted to him anymore which is utter bullshit. I tell him that I love how he looks all the time. Really I lov ehim stomach the most. I think that it is a perfect size right now because I can grab it and to me that is sexy. He is way sexier than all the other boyfriends i have had and way funner to be around except the fact that he is over emotional and depressed a lot which really gets on my nerves, he is passive aggressive so when something is wrong i have to take so much effort to get it out of him and i really do dislike people like that but I guess most of the population is either passive aggrressive or just plain agressive. Shit, I had and still have my moments. I am hoping this couples therapy will work.

Dan says that I act like i am a lesbian or that i have lesbian tendencies. I get more nervous around girls and more flirty and loud around boys so I think i am just bisexual like i have thought this whole time. The thing is that I dont get that bad feeling when I have sex with girls but I think that has to do with the fact that all my negetive sexual experiences have been with men not the fact that i am not attracted to men because i am. I feel really close to dan in the fact that i can act all cute around him with girls its more like a best friends with benefits type thing. With dan I act like cute and cuddly or whatever. I do enjoy cuddling with girls and feel emotional attachment to them because i think women are more emotional then men naturally. I get these feelings where I need both like one time dan had his dick tucked between his legs and i stuck my hand down there and it was half shaved but stubly and it reminded me of a girl and it was so hot. So I guess it is a sexual urge but also with girls its like you cant just be sexual you know because we are emotional being and I dont hold sex lightly like that I hold it with closeness and emotion.

Well I have written a lot today so I will write more tomorrow. I am going to try to write a journal everyday even if it is just a little I will have plenty to write about tomorrow since I didnt even write about getting my new apartment or what happened to my dad.