MY KIDS!

 Writing that entry to bethann about my past and all the therapy sessions I have been through lately just make me wanna write about some of my past that I cried about this morning. It’s tata and mamas. aka santiago and yesenia. I remember my "spanish name" in spanish one in high school was yesenia after her. They are the two children that I "babysat" for years when this girl mellissa lived with my dad as a renter. I forgot how old they where but it was 2-5 and tata was older than mamas. Diego was the oldest and he wasn’t as close to me because he would stay with his dad a lot. I was 12-14 ot something like that. Anyways so like I said their mother was always partying and she was physically abusive to them. I took care of them a lot mostly just because they loved being with me more than there mother, they come everywhere with me and sleep with me when their mother wouldn’t make them come and sleep downstairs. I play with them, I tell them stories, I teach them things, I comfort them when they hurt themselves or are scared or sad, I talk to them, I LISTEN to them, I would never ignore them or hurt them like their mother, when they talked I listened and if they did something wrong I told them. Just everything like I said they were MY kids and that is how I feel like they were MY kids and its like so many of these memories get blocked off and I remember them now because of therapy and just writing about it. About how I always used to give them "horsey rides" all three of them for hours, until my back hurt so bad I must have had a lot of exercise back then but they loved it they would laugh and scream more more horsey horsey!! It was so cute and thats what I lived for. I was their MOM. I don’t remember when they left for the first time, I don’t remember a lot of my past, but I do remember when they came back tata was different, he had started to stutter badly. This made his mother angry. One day I asked tata why, does he remember what happened before he started having troubled talking? And he said his mommy hit his head really hard on the stairs of their old house. I don’t know if that is true or not but I believed it because she was like that with her children. Especially tata. Mamas was her favorite, she treated her like a princess even though she got the extension cord or the belt sometimes too but tata got the worst of it for even the littlest things that all kids do like not wanna go to bed right away or want some candy. They weren’t bad kids except diego who chased me with a knife one day when I was "babysitting" him, I ran into my dads room and locked the door. He stabbed the door for a while really hard, as hard as a five year old could and i just waiited for somebody to get home. He scared me I admit it I was scared of a 5 or 6 year old but he would always hit me and hurt me but I refused to hit him like his parents had done to him, I still loved him but he started going to his dads more and more. At first mamas was my favorite, like a little girl of my own, to play dress up with and all the little games girls that young like to play, she looked up to me and I would carry her around everywhere with me on my hip or shoulders or back. Even if my arms ached I would carry her with me. She was my favorite and she would always tell me that her brothers picked on her and hit her which I beleived and would yell at them for, she would come to me with tears in her eyes and I would soothe her. Until one day I was looking. Her brother tata was playing with a ball and she wanted it but he wouldnt give it to her or something, she came to me crying saying that he hit her and i saw with my own eyes that he never did. That is when I realized that she had learned that as a survival tactic from her mother. She was her mothers favorite and she learned to be manipulative. From that point on tata was my favorite. The one with the stutter. So he was my little boy and he was the sweetest little boy you could imagine, he wasnt perfect like i said because he didnt grow up in a great envirnment, his favorite movie at 4/5 years old was chucky and he knew every cuss word but he hardly used them. He loved me to read to him, and just talk to him and play with him. He wasnt violent like his brother. He wasnt manipulative like his sister. I thought he had a bright future ahead of him. Like I said though I cant remember very much of this time period like everything else in my life. Anyways I do have this one memory, the day I decided I was officially their mother. Their real mother was drunk and there was about 10 people in the house that I didnt know. They came up to me and hugged me and said that he were tired and wanted to sleep, I brought them to the couch which was my room at the time. All the other rooms where rented out and I refused to sleep in the bed with my dad anymore because of the feelings I would get no offense to my dad or anything. I’m not gonna talk about that in this entry though. So we all fit on the couch. I hardly got any space but I didn’t care because it made me cry that there mother was to drunk and high to take care of them I just wanted them to feel loved and safe, I wanted them to feel like someone was there for them because I know at there age no one was there for me and I was going through the same thing. I was the most positive influence in their life right now. They layed down and I started telling them a story. After a while someone said they had to go to the bathroom I dont know if it was me or them but anyways they both wanted to come but they were sleepy so I carryed them one on each hip. On the way there I was barefoot and I stepped on a broken piece of  glass from a bottle and it hurt really bad, my foot was bleeding but I didnt say anything because I didn’t care about myself I cared about making them feel safe and fall asleep. I walked into the bathroom with glass in my foot and we used it then we went back to the couch and I continued to help them to fall asleep amoungst all the comotion and even though my foot hurt like fuck. I held them and stroked their hair and told stories. tucked them under the covers we had, made sure they had enough space on this little couch and I was just barely there. This is the first time I met sefronia, she was one of the people partying and she came up to me and hit me on the head and said dont you dare touch him. Then she left. I was confused. She was high as fuck and I would never even think of touching any child that way. Anyways I didn’t let her bother us. Eventually after they fell asleep, tata with his thumb in his mouth I got up very slowly as to not disturb them and I wobbled into the bathroom to get the glass out of my bleeding foot, wash it and bandage it. Then I came back and fell asleep with them. So yeah thats one of the memories I have of being a mother.

Anyways like I said I was only 12-14 so I guess sometimes I wasn’t that great of an influence. I remember the time I "taught" mamas to steal. Well not really because one day when we went into the store I had noticed that she had some lip stick and candy that I hadnt boughten for her. I asked her how she got it and she just laughed. I remember her smile lol she was a sweety but she was a little badass. Not like tata who was just plain sweet as hell. Anyways After that I tried to explain to this 3 or 4 year old child a plan. I told her that I would put everything  I wanted into a

basket and that she would take it. If she got caught I could pretend to yell at her but I would only be kidding. We did this all the time and at first I was scared that she didnt get the concept and she would say i told her to do it or take my yelling seriously. but I yelled at her she cried and when we got out of the store she laughed. What a little badass. She loved makeup and dressing up and playing with all my dolls and trinkets I had in my room. But like I said tata was my favorite because he was sweet, he loved to be held and talked to, read to, run around the yard and played with and mostly just listened to because believe me I know a lot of people spank there kids but mellisa was brutal, she would slam his head on walls and all sorts of hardcore shit like that, it was abuse. She would do that if he wet the bed or even if he stuttered to much. I always was patient with his talking and understood everything he said when noone else did.

I remember when they first came and they were the youngest they ever were they could walk but mamas would never talk even though she could. I would play peek a boo with them for hours but not just with my hands, I would go behind a chair or something and they would laugh so much.

I just wished I could remember more good times but it sucks because aroudn this time there is a lot of shitty times that would make me forget to block out the pain so I don’t really remember anything but feelings and bits and pieces. Their faces and how I loved them and cared for them but not really anything specific. Like what games did we play? We went to the park I think, played in the swimming pool, just hung out in my room. Idk really I think I remember when tata entered school and he was excited I think I helped him with his homework and he was happy about it but I cant be sure if that is a memory of him or of me trying to help diego. All I know is that I was around them 24/7 unless their mom made them come downstairs with her.

Anyways I just have to say after the left for good and I got older around 15 I started to not really like young children. I dont know why I thought I wasnt very good with kids. I just think I got nervous around other peoples kids because with tatas and mamas they were my own. I just get nervous that people are going to be weirded out by me playing with their kids and the suburban kids personality is so much different.

Anyways the reason that this came to my mind is a really sad reason. I pretty much forgot these kids up until a couple months ago when someone told me about willy molesting tata. Mellisa didn’t do anything about it and guess who willy is? The same guy who did things like that to me. The same guy that raped sofronia his own daughtr even when she was in her 20’s and made her how crazy she is today. Now she is in a mental institution for mental insane criminals for almost killing him. I forgot so much of what happened and I still do and I was so scared when the cops came to talk to me about it. I told them I didnt know I didnt know anything for sure. Nothing happened to him from me trying to tell my story because I said that and HE STILL FUCKING ROAMING THE STREET raping other girls and boys probably. It just hurt me so bad when I heard that he did that to tata because I feel like maybe somehow I could have stopped it and if i was there I WANT TO FUCKING PROTECT HIM! somehow I could have made willy go to jail before that happened and the fact that his mom didnt care just brings me back to the days when I was his mom cause she DIDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HIM. I made them food, I played with them, I taught them things about life, i disiplined them in the right way, I made sure that when they were sad or afraid or anyone hurt them that they felt better and they had someone to run to, they slept in my bed mostly every night. And now its weird but this whole situation makes me feel like a failure to him. Now he’s gonna be fucked up for life like me, like getting molested especially a boy getting molested by a man that just fucks with your head and holds so much anger inside of you. But his mom didnt fucking care I just wanna be there I just wanna make it stop I just wanna take his pain and help him and protect him but my therapist told me i have to try to gorget because i always try to help everyone. but its so hard when you feel like they where YOUR KIDS. Somehow I just wish I could have him back and keep him and raise him up right because I know he had so much potential and my worst fear was his growing up to be like his brother who knew exactly what gang he wanted to be in at 5/6 years old already hitting me all the time. Or him getting teased for his stuttering. I know that its been years, FUCKING 5 YEARS, so much has happened and I wonder if they will even remember me because I dont remember much before I was 5 and even after that its really fucking patchy as hell all the way up I still have a terrible memory. He must be 10 by now and mamas must be 8 or 9. It’s just crazy I wonder how they are and if they got fucked up from there mother more since I wasnt there, if I even helped?! 

It’s so weird to say but I cry when I think about them and all I can fucking think is I WANT MY FUCKING KIDS BACK. But I know they arent my kids and they were only mine for 2-3 years. But I know that even at 19/20 I could give them such a better life than she could. But its fucking pointless because they probably changed so much. I talked to deigo though the other day and he said that "tata is soft as hell". Which is a good thing. He looks like he is always smiling in his photos on facebook, yes he has a facebook. Idk it just made me even sadder cause on mellisas myspace it says she just moved to washington! I’m so sad now like I’ll never see her kids….

I was just going to message her to ask if I can come over and see her kids.

tata, mellissas other child natalia who was born just as they where mvoign out of my house and mamas.

tata and mamas then on the other side diego and natalia. This is very recent I think.