Lyrics about my mother…hopefully.

Like O, Like H – Tegan and Sara

When I was 8
I was sure
I was growing nerves
Like steel in my palm
Make a map of what you see
Direct pain effectively
I was 8,
I was sure
I was growing pain
Like lead in my feet
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
Oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like O, like H in your gut
Like O, like H in your gut
Like O, like H in your gut
In your gut
S.O.S., S.O.S.
When I was four plus a ten
I was swinging fists
Like nails in a board
Pull your hands inside of you
Six years ’till I’ll be through
I was four plus a ten,
I was swinging back
Like a race to be sure
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
Oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like O, like H in your gut
Like O, like H in your gut
Like O, like H in your gut
Like O, like H in your gut
(S.O.S., S.O.S., S.O.S.)
In your gut, in your gut
In your…

To me this song has a lot of personal meaning. When I was growing up my mother was an alcoholic, she was violent and loud, ignorant and crazy. I would always have to save her from hurting herself but she would always put me down, scream at me, keep me up all night, even try to hit me. I was to afraid of her though. When I was young I would just take it and protect her, keep quiet and bottle up the rage that flowed through my body everytime I saw her with a beer in her hand. As I grew older my anger also grew but so did my courage and before I knew it I started letting it out on her and myself more and more…I would scream back at her, push her when she got in my face, we even got in physical fights once or twice. I also started cutting myself to let out all the anger. To me this sounds like me telling a therapist about my experience:

"When I was eight I was sure I was growing nerves, like steel in my palm- This reminds me of me talking about how I was bottling up the anger when I was younger but I was growing nerves, it was bound to come out, I would cry every night and the fear and anger was so strong I would pull out my hair when something went wrong. This rage couldn’t stay put forever. When they say "like steel in my palm" it reminds me of a razor in your hand which reminds me that I was growing into a cutter/ self harmer even from a young age by holding in my anger and pulling my hair when something didn’t go right.

Make a map of what you see, direct pain effectively- Sounds like the therapist asking me what I seen when I was younger and asking me where all this pain I still hold came from, and I am saying how it came from even when I was way younger.

I was eight, I was sure I was growing pains like lead in my feet"- This is my response to the therapist. I am telling the therapist that when I was younger like 8 I was growing these pains, I remember being so depressed over nothing when I was younger, never having any friends. My mother being an alcoholic was like lead in my feet because I felt so trapped by it, in every area of my life all the time just depression and anxiety so bad at such a young age.

"When I was four plus a ten I was swinging fists, like nails in a board- This is me telling the therapist that when I turned about 14 is when I finally got the nerve to start letting my rage out (actually it was 13 and a half). I would scream back at my mom, tell her I hated her, etc. Like I said before.

Pull your hands inside of you, six years till I’ll be through- When they say "pull you hands inside of you" in reminds me of instead of swinging fists at others, you pull the rage back at yourself aka you cut. When it says 6 years till I’ll be through it means 6 years from 14, which is 20 (or 19 1/2 for me). Right now my mom is in rehab, and this is the best rehab I have ever seen her do. I actually believe she can do it this time and if she does then this song is perfect because I will no longer be "swinging fists" at her when she is drinking because she will be sober. I also quit cutting a couple months ago and got a tattoo that is suppose to mean that, I am hoping that I will stick to it and f I do that also means the song is right.

As for the chorus:

S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door
S.O.S. to my mother
Take the hinges off the door

My mother used to always bang down my door when she was drunk if I tried to lock her out or hide from her she would always find a way to me somehow. The S.O.S means "save our ship" is me trying to find someone to save me (or me and my mother) from this hell, or me trying to find a MOTHER in this madness. I never felt like I had a mother because she was drunk all the time. No one ever did save me though, I always felt like I was always alone, like no one was ever there to help. Like I always had to be the adult, the mother to my own mother.

"Oh, oh, sugar spell it out
Like O, like h, in your gut"
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 10px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height:

18px; “>I think of a therapist asking me what the rage I feel is like, how can I describe the rage I feel when I see my mom with a beer or here alcohol on her voice or the feeling I get when I wanna cut. This is me trying to explain this feeling but I can’t it is so hard to explain. It’s like I can hardly breathe, I can hardly see, light flashes in front of my eyes and I can’t control myself, just doom and anger. It’s like getting punched in the gut but also that I just want to punch something or hurt myself, even if she isn’t drunk yet or acting stupid.

Me and my mom got into a very emotional fight today. I lost my phone and she started talking about how I ALWAYS lose things and how messy I ALWAYS AM. Pointing out all my flaws and talking about them, yelling about me to everyone else. Just kept putting me down. Truth is that I have a bad memory I don’t know why. Maybe I have ADD like dan said, maybe its just the anxiety, idk but I have a bad memory both short term and long term. She points out all my flaws and I get angry. I hate it when people point out my flaws because I already know me and they eat away at me everyday and make me hate myself and i dont need anyone else fucking pointing them out. I ALREADY KNOW! So we just basically had a big fight and I brought up shit she did when she was drinking since she brought up shit like giving away my dogs and all my flaws. Then I got in trouble like always for bringing up shit about her drinking! From bitches who shouldnt be involved in the first place because they didnt have to live through this. I DID! Anyways on the car ride home the whole time I was hating myself and hating her I told dan to go to walgreens so i could buy razors. Weird the first time in a long time that i have had the urge to cut really bad 2 days in a row. But I NEEDED IT THEN BECAUSE OF HER. She made me so angery but dan refused so I told him then he would have to deal with me bitching and the whole way there I just cryed and vented about how she was never there and shes a fucking hypocrite and everything. Sabrina was in the backseat and porbably thought I was fucking crazy! I felt so stupid for acting that way around her she probably thinks I’m a fucking lunatic. anyways. afterwards me and my mom made up

i cant write anymore because dan is being a little whiney baby when i do anything but pay attention to him he gets EMO. not sad just fucking EMO. Where he could not be sad but he chooses to be in his own fucking little misery and its really pissing me off lately to the point where i dont even give a fuck anymore because he doesnt want help he wont take help he wont tell me whats wrong he always lies and he always sulks and says "NO ITS OK YOU BE HAPPY" I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT. anyways so now if he is not at work i have to be PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM 24/7 OR HE WILL GET DEPRESSED SO THE ONLY TIME I CAN WRITE IN MY DIARY AND TALK ABOUT MY EMOTIONS IS WHEN HE IS AT WORK. OTHER THAN THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIS SHIT INSTEAD OF MYSELF AND I ALREADY HAVE SO MANY PROBLEMS I SHOULD WORRY ABOUT MYSELF ONLY BUT NO HE IS TOO MUCH OF A LITTLE BABY FOR THAT SO BYE.