It’s happening again

 I feel like its happening again to me. Me and Sabrina. When she was dating josh she would be my friend one week then a day before we hang out just totally ditch on me because he told her not to. I feel like it’s going to happen again or it is already happening with Bethann this time. We were suppose to go to sonshine and I really wanted her to go because it is suppose to be a thing where you bring a whole bunch of friends with you and you have fun camping and going to shows all day long from morning to night, then at about 11 or 12 when the shows are over you play pranks or just have fun meeting new people all night until you go to sleep. Then on the last night you have a riot/walking party its really fun, the police and staff get involved we are like rebels lol. But now I’m super sad that it might now just be me and Dan because well I love Dan but I want this to be a super fun time and I want to bring a FRIEND and I want to bring a GIRL, and most of all I want to bring a friend that is crazy and outgoing and not afraid to meet new people and be part of the walking party and get to the front of the crowd, a friend with a PASSION for music like I have, the passion that sometimes makes you cry at concerts if they are good! If I told dan this he’d think "Am I not fun enough? :(" It’s not that though, its just better the more people you bring and with him I just dont want to be all lovey dovey all the time. I know he’s not the type that wants to go out and have fun all the time. This is suppose to be a crazy time, Your suppose to bring your whole group of friends well guess what I only have one…and now she doesn’t want to come because she thinks she will have to "be fake" around me. All because I told her she can’t talk about bethann or say that she wants to die and doesn’t deserve to be happy? Is that being fake? Is your true self, your entire being really that depressed person? Sure I get it you can get sad and depressed sometimes but that is just not true when you say that you don’t deserve to be happy, that is just negative and making yourself worse at least try to be positive, you can express your emotions just try to work through them with me, don’t just sit there and be stubborn and hate yourself, that is what stresses me out when you don’t listen to anything except bethann, you call yourself undeserving of happiness and a slut, so not fucking true. Anyways, I don’t think you will have time to be that depressed when you have concerts going from 10am-11pm and tons of other fun things to do….Plus it is a CHRISTIAN thing. God will be there and plenty of people to pray for you during hard times. Don’t you think I am afraid of having anxiety? But guess what God will be there to make us have a happy time, it is a good influence. Ugh. I’m just so mad. She writes on her diary that bethann won’t come another day but bethann tells me that she told sab she would come another time but sab just doesn’t wanna go with me and dan. That she doesn’t like being with us. There goes another friend i lost. What is the fucking deal. Sabrina thinks dan hates her. Dan likes her personality! He just doesn’t like it when she says she deserves to die and doesn’t deserve happiness and cuts herself without even asking for help first. I don’t like it when people chose to be depressed instead of search for help. This is the type of shit that stresses me out. But I guess it doesn’t matter because bethann said that sabrina told her that if she does go she loves bethann so much and will just miss bethann the whole time and it will hurt her because all we have to say is bad things about bethann and because of this she will be depressed the whole time and it will be a waste of money . Well I’m sorry but truely bad things is what everyone says about bethann including sabrina so I don’t get the fucking deal here. I’m just pissed off because sabrina is doing this same thing that she did to me before which is ditch me at the last moment because of the person she is obsessed with. Bethann says that she loves sabrina so much and that sabrina feels like she never has to act fake around her because supposably she knows that bethann always puts sabrinas problems and emotions first and trys to help her instead of care about herself. This just makes me laugh because if it was true than sabrina would not be telling me about how everytime she tells bethann about something bethann says she just doesnt want to deal with it, if that was true sabrina wouldn’t be writing entries about how she is a slut and she deserves to die and how sorry she is and bethann would not be saying the shit she does to her like calling her a slut and keeping this relationship going even though she tells sabrina she can never have her, telling sabrina that if she loves her to tell her the truth about everything and then freaking out about it afterwards. If you truely cared about her you would want to make her happy no matter what. You would try to help her gently and slowly, and understandingly not by calling her a slut, you would understand that it took courage for her to tell you those things that she regretted so much and not make her hate herself for them, you would tell her it is ok and that you will help her so that will never have to happen to her again. Bethann said she helped sabrina so much, well maybe because she was there. It’s like the saying "You give a man a fish he eats for a day, you teach a man to fish, he eats forever. What bethann thinks is helping sabrina really isn’t. Maybe she helped her in the moment, while she was there she was always around so she prevented sabrina from doing bad things by physically being there but she never gave her the skills to do it by herself. That is what I try to do with sabrina. I don’t tell her what to do , make her depressed by the words I say but then hold onto her when she wants to cut. I try to give her loving advice and tell her the compliments she deserves so much, so even if I am not there she will remember what I am telling her and apply it to her life. That is why sabrina says now that bethann moved away it fucked up everything because sabrina was dependent on bethann, without her she felt like she would die. I try to make sabrina feel more like a person, more like she can do things on her own, i will love her and always be with her but I am trying to help her learn that she can find the power to find happiness in her life without having to be dependent on ANYONE but herself. Maybe I made sabrina sad this last week because dan was there and she felt she couldn’t have me but I didn’t know that because to me she seemed happy and I asked her lots of times. If she would have said something maybe I would have told dan to go to his moms for a night or something. I just ask her to talk to me and even when I feel hurt by her I am still there for her but ts like she doesn’t want to talk because she is obsessed with bethann and will do anything bethann says, believe anything bethann says. Will ditch the 4 days we had planned to see her face for a couple hours. Well couldn’t you see her face next weekend no because you are obsessed with her. Maybe you love her, but all she does is hurt you, she makes you more bipolar up and down just like josh, hate and than love, you never know the truth. She is always toying with her mind and it jus

t irks me! She thinks we are always doing each other and gets so jealous. If she cares more about sabs feelings than her  own why wont she just let sab go instead of saying they can never be together but still acting like they are? I don’t even want to get into this. With all the shit bethann is telling me it seems like I just lost my only friend and it truly is making me wanna cry right now. But I won’t because from what bethann is telling me I never really knew sabrina at all, she was fake with me the whole time and she is a pathological lier. When I look into her eyes I see a lot of myself, I see pain from the sexual stuff that prevents her from saying no even though she doesnt really like sex that much with people she hardly knows, I see pain from her eating disorder because of what her family told her growing up and because it is a way for her to consentrate and feel like she has a friend in something when she is so depressed there is nothing else, I see that its really not about weight at all but more about having to be the best at everything because she never feels good enough no matter what she does. I see beauty, I see a fun, creative, outgoing person inside of there that is just trapped. Which is why I tried to help her and be there for her so much, I said in my pther entry I can’t be her therapist but that doesn’t mean I can’t be there for her I just have to put myself first if I am having anxiety because like I told bethann if you have problems inside of yourself you are not even going to be able to help anyone else no matter how hard you try because you are not in the right mindset. Your depression and anxiety is clouding your mind and you will most often make it worse than better, that is why bethann and sabrina are so fucked up because bethann has things in her past she is angry about and therefor sabrina and bethann have a passive aggressive jealousy driven obsessive controlling relationship. I fucked up this weekend because of my anxiety and I wasn’t thinking straight. If I better myself than I can start putting others first and give them real good advice that will help them, which I think I can do somewhat just not after days of stress…for example when I was really bad in my panic I thought I was helping my mom because everytime my mom got drunk i would get really depressed and anxiety but I would ignore it and shove it away inside myself to put her first. i would stand next to her and help her do everything for her, save her when she got into fights, pick her up when she ended up somewhere across town strranded, i would keep her at my house even though just hearing the alcohol in her voice gave me panic just because i wanted to protect her from the world because i know if anyone else is around her they cant take it and she will get her ass beat. I thought I was helping her, and I was helping her IN THE MOMENT, but see she will keep doing those things over and over and she is not getting helped at all unless I was THERE in reality I was only making it worse for her and 10x worse for myself. I got into therapy and learned to back off and worry about myself first, when people see that you are getting better and you are changing for the good they will follow. I stopped doing all that co-dependant stuff for my mom it was hard but i stopped and actually started talking sense to her when she was sober, things my therapist told me. Now she is in rehab and the best I have ever seen her in my entire life because she wants to stop drinking for HERSELF because she sees me getting better and she see’s what my therapist is saying and I pass on the wisdom I learn from learning more about getting better for myself. first me then her. now i dont have to save her anymore because she learned to save herself beause i gave a good example.

but I guess none of this entry matters anyways because according to bethann I know nothing and it hurts and it is pathetic to think that the person you thought was your best friend you didn’t really know at all. Maybe I don’t know bethann at all either, maybe they are perfect for each other and bethann is really right in everything she does and says. Idk I’m just so pissed and depressed now because I have no real friends and I have to find someone FUN to go to sonshine with me to fill up my 7 person tent in about 3 days….

Now I am on facebook begging people like james and alicia to go with me but they both say they cant of course. CAUSE I DONT HAVE ANY FRIENDS because i am agoraphobic and social phobic and I guess I don’t get out much. This sucks.

BTW I don’t really give a FUCK anymore all my entries are gonna be public and I don’t care what anyone thinks or says I tell the truth about everything and honest really is the best policy i’ve found out.