I just wanna party…is that so bad???

I am young, I am 20. I want to be able to go out and party and have fun every weekend or every other weekend. I wanna be able to get drunk and let loose and party. But guess what I can’t. Why? Cause alcohol gives me panic attacks. But does it really? OR was that just a fluke that it happened after I drank those wine coolers. I don’t know if I want to test it but I really want to because the only other option for me being able to party like a NORMAL PERSON MY AGE is to take xanax which I think is worse than drinking because 1. It will increase my tolerance to klonopin 2. its way more addicting 3.It’s not as fun. 4. I have to take too much to feel it.

Anyways so I want to party every weekend or every other weekend that is what I wana do!!!! I should be able to fucking do this. FUCK PANIC DISORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! So now I have to pick to either drink and maybe induce panic or take xanax. Hard desicion. This sucks. Why can’t I just be normal. It’s not like I’m going to be a fucking alcoholic or anything, I learned my lesson. I just wanna be young ughhhhhh Gosh idk what to do. I’m going to talk to my therapist about it on monday.