Heartbreak.

 Last night sabrina was like really writing entries about wanting to die and I kept making dan follow her to make sure she wouldnt hurt herself cause it was too painful for me. I wanted to stay awake until she fell asleep. Me and Dan started cuddling because I was crying while she was listening to her music that reminded her of Bethann. I was heartbroken over her, hearing and reading her saying those things to bethann and saying those things about bethann on her diary like how bethann is the only one that could ever love her and she wants to die, I mean didn’t she hear me at all what I was telling her, second of all she REGRETS EVERYTHING WE EVER DID TOGETHER so I just felt so sad and mad, I didnt feel like processing why I just cried into dans chest and she didn’t even know it, me and dan where texting back and forth and I was scared that he would be mad that I was crying over someone else but he said he wasnt at all that he understands. I said I was stupid, and he said im not stupid i just happened to fall for someone that is single but still technically in  a on/off relationship that is really confusing. We layed there for a long time and I didnt want to fall asleep because I was afraid of her hurting herself. So I said I would stay up until she went to sleep, so I didn’t take my imipromine when I was suppose to and I pretended to sleep while she talked about my other entry to bethann on the phone so I might as well put it public. Then dan started snoring really loud and I couldnt hear so I moved to try to make him shut up but she left the room. That is when I got super pissed cause she could be saying anything about me to bethann that she regrets everything, she hates me, she only pretends to be my friend, she only kissed me cause she felt sorry for me, i forced her to have sex etc. She could be saying anything about me and I didnt know so I just got pissed. I got really pissed at her for ever saying any of those things she said like asking me if I would be hurt if she said we couldn’t be together like that anymore and I said yes but I would leave her alone if she wanted me to. She said good because she thought I would just leave her alone and not think anything of it. So why the hell did she ask me that then so she could actually do it and break me well here is your evidence. I was just so angery that I locked the door on her I didnt want to see her because she made me want to cry and scream. But I know it wasn’t really her fault. It was my fault for even starting to get involved in this sort of thing with her, I set myself up to get heartbroken because I KNEW she still loved bethann especially after the night we both spent the night there. But I thought I could prove to her that bethann is not good for her and that I can love her but I guess I suck at talking to people when they are emotional, I don’t really know what to say I’m such a fucking dumbass and I should have known that from the start that I cant save her. At this point when I locked the door and paced and smoked a cigarette crying I was so confused. This whole time I thought all I wanted to do was make her happy and make her feel comfortable and loved but now I am just so angry at her and dont want to see her because my heart is broken I guess I never thought I would fall this deep into her but I guess I did and I didn’t realize until the tears started falling. I wrote in my notebook then writing about:

"Why does this have to hurt so BAD BAD BAD. I don’t get it. I just want everything to shut up and go away its pain. my eyes fill with tears. I’ll never know she lies she fucking lies. She says she is ok and it is ok when i ask her over and over but she LIES. She’s not ok and she hurt me and hurt herself so she hurt me times 2!  I know I started it but I lock the door i dont want her here anymore. I say I love her and I wanna help her NO MATTER WHAT but I lock the door just because I cant deal with this pain and it helps me feel a just a little better. I know i will unlock it when she knocks so there is really no point in it. She HURTS me right now I cant look at her but I know its my fault, its not her fault I knew she loved someone else and I still fell for her, I know I shouldnt be angry at her at all because its not her fault that I started all this and just wanted to make her happy but at the moment it just feels like my fucking heart is torn to shreds and I know that is PATHETIC because we arent even together. But it just hurts that she lies. That she never felt shit for me, that I asked her a million times I told her I dont wanna be a fucking rebound from bethann and that is what i was really Now I’m left here feeling fucking stupid and not knowing what to do. She knocked on the door and I opened it and I act normal I dont want her to see how pathetic I am for loving someone who didnt give a fuck about me. Oh how stupid I feel I just wanna cut and see the white that is the only thing that calms me down, the pure white. I loved her. She loved HER. And I still felt like I had a chance She lead me to believe. Now I’m stuck with this heart break feeling when I HAVE SOMEONE THAT LOVES ME SLEEPING RIGHT NEXT TO ME! What is wrong with me. I just cant help but think about what she is probably telling that BITCH about me LIES like everything I ever told myself when I thought we could ever be something more than a fling."

Anyways that is my notebook entry. After that she left again to cook food. I go into the kitchen because I remember an unopened shaver sitting on the table. I open it with a fork and a pen and it takes a while. I look at it and I get the adrenaline feeling. I get scared since I havent done it in so long. I think about waking up dan but I decide against it and I just look at it for a little longer wonder what to do WHY. And then sabrina knocks on the door and I hide it. After she comes in I write another entry in my notebook talking about how my mind is racing. I try to ask my self WHY DO YOU WANT TO CUT. I try to find the reason but my mind is racing and all I can do is look at my left arm and how weak the scars look and how there need to be bigger deeper ones. But thats not a good reason. Prettier things could go there, like a tattoo. I take my imipromine and even when it starts working my mind is racing and I can’t find a reason. This is when I go crazy. Everything is dark and she is by the wall, dan is in between us. It’s so quiet and dan is sleeping I feel so alone with the razor next to me and these racing thoughts I start to feel crazy like the going crazy anxiety feelings. I try to wake up dan for like a hlaf hour. When he finally wakes up we go in the bathroom and I tell him about that I was going to cut. He wants to take it and throw it away but I dont want her to see so I stop him. We go out and sit in the kitchen. I am talking crazy. He is saying what was the point of me waking him up? That hits me hard because I was taught your suppose to tell someone you trust when you feel like harming yourself but it seems he doesnt care. I get up to leave and tell him to go back to sleep but he holds me back and I cry. I tell him I need to lay down because my anxiety and we lay down and cuddle. I need to talk but I talk crazy and I make myself sound so fucking stupid in front of sabrina.

This whole week I cried at least once a day and sabrina probably hates me and feels like my house is so boring and i am so fucked up because of

that. I tell Dan I am never going to put myself in this kind of situation again that makes me feel like I am going crazy. I hate that feeling. By that I mean not fall for anyone else because I know dan will never leave me and everyone else probably will. Dan loves me and other people dont. I dont want to deal with that pain. Its stupid when you have someone already to have to go through that crazy feeling anxiety so I promise myself to not do that again. When I was thinking about polyamory I was only thinking of the good parts of it I didnt think about the heartbreak it causes. Thank God dan was there for me I dont know what i would have done. Dan makes me dissolve a klonopin under my tongue at first he wants me to take 2 klonopin but i am too scared because i just took imipromine. I m still scared with just taking one but I do it. I strt talking crazy again saying things like "I cant wait to go home" right in front of sabrina. I tell dan he has to talk to me so that I can calm down because i feel like i just cant calm down and i am going to go crazy i hope i dont wake up feeling the same way! We talk about dans mom and that is the last thing I remember. I pass out.

The next thing I remember is waking up saying "Your not going to die". It was like I could hear her voice even in my dreams, even in my dreams i want to protect her even tho I was so drugged up I passed out I woke up when she was talking on the phone and telling bethann "what if i die" I could hear her in my dream and by the time I am awake the sentance is already out of my mouth it is a WEIRD experience. She tells me I was asleep for an hour, she asked if i heard what she was saying I said no. I just woke up idk how, she is on the phone with bethann and she gets off. She feels the energy in her body that she feels like she just has to move and she started feeling it when we layed down and I was talking. I know what sort of energy she is feeling, even though it is probably not exactly like mine I know it is axiety that she is having a panic attack or on the verge of having one. I rub her and tell her that everything will be ok. She said she was talking to bethann about the energy and that she was afraid if she kept feeling this way she would die. I tell her it is ok I feel this way all the time and she isnt going to die, she isnt going crazy, nothing bad is happening, it is just adrenaline and different things in her body got released at the wrong time so now her body is confused and thinks that it is in fight or flight mode. For some reason I feel ALOT better than before I fell asleep and I am not angry at her, I dont feel like i cannot touch or look at her and I still just wanna make her feel happy and comfortable.  I lay next to her and I ask her first if it makes her uncomfortable she can tell me to stop, then I rub her arms and stomach to try to make her feel better or distract her, but I feel bad because I know how bad it gets for me and I know for me there is really nothing anyone can really do except just sit there and be there for me, even then it doesnt really help and i just want to help her SO BAD. I tell her the best thing to do is sit there and think of something positive something distracting. I tell her its weird that she started having anxiety when I was it was almost like she caught it from me. She gets scared and asks if dan has ever had it, i say no. I tell her it is going to be ok and it WILL go away. She asks me if I ever try to fight it, and not move even though it feels like you have to. I say YES, i know how that it i know it is really hard to try not to move but if you get up and move it will just get worse so you have to try to stay still. I tell her to just take deep breaths. I try to stay awake with her until she falls asleep but again I pass out and dont remember falling asleep.