Getting to the root of the problem

I got a cutting urge over something stupid. Hate myself over stupid things I do like spill water. I think about how I used to cut over every little tiny thing I did wrong. Self hatred infects me. Anger and Rage overwhelm and I want it to go away. I want to punish myself for the stupid failure I am. I cry. I want to scream and cut.

That is what I think. But I am trying to get better I am in therapy. I think about the root of the problem. Why be so anger over spilling something? Angry enough to cut? Why hate myself over things that aren’t worthy to hate yourself over. There has to be a deeper meaning. I have anger issues and I never yell unless I am really BREAKING DOWN. I need to yell and scream. I need to let the anger out and the anger is not at myself but when someone makes me angry I push it in. I make it about myself. Then every little thing I do is wrong. 

I finally learn to talk. I tell him what I am feeling. I tell him I am angry. I feel GUILTY for being angry at anyone else but myself but I can’t. It’s not fair. I can be angry, I can express it. I can tell people what they do that upsets me. I tell him and it makes me feel better. I don’t yell but I raise my voice and say something I am scared will hurt him but I say it anyways because I can’t feel guilty for my own wants and needs. I can’t feel guilty for my own emotions. My own anger at him is justified and I can express it. I want to scream louder and louder but I can’t push it out. Maybe some other day though I will find my voice. Tomorrow maybe or soon I will find my voice. I am scared to wake up someone, to shock them. I’m scared but I find myself wanting to scream. I am finally learning to express myself. Find the root of why I cut and get over it. I cut from anger, self hatred. But really from anger that I let build up inside over other people. I need to tell those people when they anger me. Without guilt. For now I am taking my pills. But I think this is a good breakthrough. Most of the anger is gone. And the cutting urge has gone.