Daddy

Hello so yet another entry to tell how i am feeling and what I have been doing over the past weeks. I am going to make this choppy I think or just maybe weird. One thing I need to write about is when we thought my dad had a stroke. So I was sleeping as usual. It was 9 in the morning and I had gone to bed maybe around 7 or 8 in the morning so I wasn’t waking up anytime soon….until kari came in the room yelling to me that something is wrong with my dad. She had terror in her eyes and it made a jolt go through my body. Suddenly it didn’t matter how tired I was or that I had just woken up, I don’t really remember that much except jumping up and running into the living room. Kari said I sat there for a second looking like i was half asleep and then my eyes widened and i got up right away. Anyways so when I got to the living room there was my dad laying on the chair looking like he was completely out of it. I kept saying daddy and he would say yeah but his eyes would hardly open and he would act like he fell back asleep instantly, he couldn’t get up, his legs wouldnt work to let him sit up and move. So the first thing that went through my mind is that he might be having a stroke. I was panicing but still through my terror I thought of the best thing to do in the most calming way I could possible. I told my dad to sit still and that we are going to call the doctor. He yelled no that he didnt need a doctor like he always does but I went in the other room, got the phone and called 911, telling them frantically yet calmly at the same time that there is something wrong with my dad and that I think he might be having a stroke and my address and phone number. I told them hurry please hurry and went to the other room to see what was happening, I saw that he had moved from the chair to his bed but he looked like he had just fell on it. My sister was panicing beyond beleif from what I can remember, these events might not be completely true or in order because everything went by so fast that I could hardly think. I told kari that everything is going to be ok that the ambulance is on the way but inside i couldnt help but think omg my worst fear is coming true!!! I was thinking of how my dad could die right here, what if he was dying and there is nothing they can do, what if he has brain damage. I was panicing and on the verge of tears, shaking I was thinking of taking a xanax but refrained, I wanted to feel my emotions at that time, not hide them, I wanted to be there for my dad when he needed me and feel how much I love him and worry about him. I was telling dan over and over again how much I love my dad and hope he is ok. This sitution reminded me so much of all the times I have called the cops on my mother or something bad has happened when she is drunk because even though I am scared to death and panicing inside I try to keep it cool and act composed for my sister and try to fix the situation instead of crying and going crazy. I feel like I am always the one who is in charge when something bad happens. Finally the ambulance got there and as they were checking him I was pacing and asking if he was going to be ok, I forgot what they said but I couldnt help but think that what if time is running out. They asked me questions like what pills he takes and I went into the kitchen and saw a whole bunch of food all over the kitchen table. Dan showed them the medicines and since there was one for diabetes they checked his blood sugar and it was extremely high, I kept wondering why there would be so much sugary drinks and food all over the table, was he in his right mind? In the midsts of all this I called my grandma and dan called his mom and both of them said that he might be going through diabetic shock which isnt very dangerous. That calmed me down a little but I was still so worried of the worst happening one i LOVE so much. Soon they took him to the hospital and I was worried, I wanted to go with and this whole time I had been trying to call my mom, from the very beginning I knew she was the one who would know how I was feeling the most other than my sister so I decided to go to her house maybe she was sleeping. I asked kari if she wanted to go but she said that she was waiting for chris, she seemed like she was really in a bad position so I decided to have her stay. When we got to my moms I was so relieved to find her awake and SOBER, she had drank the night before but luckily had kept it only at a one night binge.  She was as worried as me and as always it made me so happy to see how much she cared for my dad, maybe even more than Gale. I gave her a xanax and we tried calling hospital after hospital to find out where he was at so we could make sure if things where ok. Finally we just decided to go to to the VA and it turns out thats where he was. Luckily everything was fine, he was getting better but he was still a little out of it, he made me laughed cause he seemed like he was back to his old self when my mom asked him whats the name of his dogs he laughed and said come on! Anyways, we talked to the doctors and they said that he had said he had taken a pill that wasnt prescribed to him. He had taken one of marys pills which he had though where for his diabetes. Anyways he had to spend the night in the hospital and the doctors and us tried to figure out what pill it was. We called mary but she hung up on us angerly, and her workers at the place said that it was his fault and they arent giving out that information. I just thought in my head what terrible bitches what if he would have died?!?!?! Anyways it turns out in the end that he had probably taken a pill that is prescribed for severly skitzophrenic patients, and I have seen my aunty and tom on the pill before. One time my aunty even fell asleep with a sandwhich in her mouth which is exactly what happened to my dad, he fell asleep with food half hanging out of his mouth too. I cab’t imagine what kari went through with all of this, I really hoping she isnt traumatized by all this because I know how afraid and traumitized I would be if I was the first one who came down and seen him like that. But maybe that is because I already have PSTD, i hope she doesn’t get it.

I think this was an eyeopener for her though because she always treats my dad so badly and in her diary she said how badly she feels for that now and how she doesnt know what she will do if she looses him. I can see how that could turn in PTSD like mine did but I can also see how that could help her cherish the time we have with my dad more and treat him better for now on. I hope she doesnt forget.