church

So here is where I will talk about the other things that have happened in my life in the past couple weeks other than in therapy and such or maybe I just might talk about therapy some more i can write whatever i want and you cant do anything about it because it is MY diary lol hahahahaha. Anyways so I think it is logical to just start where I left off. So after therapy I went home and I felt good. I talked to Dan about the church thing and i actually started crying because i thought he was judging me because at first he said that he didnt really think it was nessesary to go because you dont have to go to church everyday to be a christian or something like that. I think that he just thought it was a stupid waste of time but he swares thats not the case. But i just couldnt help getting these intense feelings that I just wanted to run away and hide feeling so stupid for even wanting to. I know this sounds bad but I feel like kindahf a dork or nerd when i talk about being a christian or the holy spirit or whatever sometimes I dont even wanna write about it because im afraid of sounding stupid because i know a lot of people i used to hang out with or a lot of people in general have this stereotype about christians that they are stupid and goody goods and that they are just sheep. I’m not though and thats the point I dont want people to judge me and think i am totally a goody good nerd i dont know the right word for it its not goody good i dont want people to think im just a sheep who tries to force my religion on others and who is always preaching and shit you know. But i try to tell myself that i cant feel embarassed about what i believe in. When you are something weird like wiccan or something you feel almost proud of it because you are DIFFERENT but when i say im christian i feel like people are gonna view me the same as those parents that are like be safe now and shit. The point is that being christian DOES make me different because i am the person i am and i DO believe in God. I dont know how to explain myself right nw I feel kindah bad like I am putting God down somehow and thats the last thing i am trying to do, but I think thats just my OCD talking. So anyways I was crying and feeling stupid and dan kept telling me he believes the same as me but i just couldnt believe him but i MADE myself and we went to church on wednesday night. It was AMAZING. I could feel God there with me. I was so glad I went and even dan said he felt really happy afterwards and its like a big sigh of relief that I faced my fear of embarassment and being judged to stand up for God. While I was at church when we were singing in the beginning at first I felt REALLY NERVOUS. I didnt want to sing or move my hands and plus i think i had accidentally drank something with caffeine in it earlier so i was kind of jittery and on the verge of anxiety. Anyways then I looked over at dan and he was singing along and I could here him and he sounded good so that made me a little less anxious like i wasnt a dork but i still didnt sing, then finally dan TOLD me to sing and that made me feel WAY better. So I started singing along even in the softer parts still thinking my voice must sound terrible and out of tune/pitch. Anyways when we were first singing there was a green background light on and i was anxious then after a while it turned purple, my favorite purple and i was wishing it would stay and it did! When I saw it turn purple I just felt my body breathe a huge sigh of relief.  It’s like I was calmed by the color or something and it was amazing. Puplre is my favorite color. Now it has a calming priciple along with all the other good things about it. So anyways that is the first song I really sung along to and not mouthed. And some of it I actually closed my eyes and it felt so good. After the singing was done the pastor got up and was talking I forgot what he was talking about just like I always forget everything but I cried towards the end because it felt like he was talking to me and I was praying to God sorry and thank you and to please help me with my panic attacks. Anyways. After that he started talking and the sermon was about "Furnace Faith" I guess about having faith really strong or something. I really wish that I could feel that way about it. When we were in our small groups this one guy said that the hardest thing about faith was learning yourself out of it and that totally clicked with me because there is always this thing in the back of my head like how do i know if it is real because of all of this science and what everyone says. I guess that is what real faith is, just believing, and that is really hard for me. I feel like I will never be able to fully believe and that makes me so sad and I just wish God could help me through that because I want to with all my heart theres just like this voice in my head that says bad things, its not like another voice its just like another thought stream that I just cannot control and sometimes it just says things the opposite of what I think and I think it is trying to make made or something. Like it will say "I hate God" or something like that and I get so scared because I actually think God will believe that but I know he won’t because he must know everything about everything. I hope people dont think im crazy its not like im hearing voices or something, It feels like my OCD because i have heard that is a symptom before that you just cannot turn off your thoughts. I get so paranoid like God is going to be mad or not protect me that is one of the things I am very OCD about I get scared that God will punish me or not help be because of things like using his name in vain or even stupid things like not turning the light off. IDK. Anyways I will talk more about this later, right now I am talking about the talk on "furnace faith". The pastor was talking about how God always has the power to change and help you through anything but that doesnt mean that he will. Only he knows what is best for you. And I was thinking in my head like well maybe the reason I went through those panic attacks after drinking was because I would come back to church, not like God gave me a panic attack, I gave myself a panic attack but the point is that God didnt stop it from happening because he knew that it would be the best for me in the end because I would come back to him even STRONGER than before. But then I also felt like this inkling that maybe I should be scared because what if he doesnt help this time? But then it’s weird because I dont remember feeling that worried about it, I just remember thinking like of course God will help because he knows I need him and I was just saying sorry and how I am getting my life back on track again. Anyways so that was what the sermon was about in the end the story was really nice but I don’t feel like writing the whole thing down here. I think I will start bringing a notebook when I go again just so I can remember the lessons I learned. So after the sermon it was time to pray on the altar if you wanted to and I really wanted to go up there but I thought it would be really hard because again I would feel like I dork but I just told myself screw that I am not going to be embarassed of God that is just horrible, so I told dan and it seemed like he was happy that I did which is great. I went up there and like always I sort of burst into tears with snot and everything I dont ever w

onder what people think of me when i am up there except the snot part but now that i look back i wonder how many other people cry as much as I do. I was crying really hard but it felt really good. I was basically asking for forgiveness by saying I am sorry for ever straying from the past and that I am now ready to live through you and do whatever your will is because I know only through you is REAL happiness. Before it’s like you love God but you feel like all this other stuff like throwing up, partying, drinking, sex and whatever else is so fun and it makes you happy so you are torn but now I get this overwhelming feeling like God is the only place where true happiness can be found so it makes it a lot easier to avoid those other things when I know they wont really make me happy. Having that panic attack sort of proved that to me. I told him I still have so many questions and that I just want to know what to do I want him to tell me what to do, whatever it is I will do it because I know I will be happy and not afraid and that is all I really want is that pure love. God is the only pure one I kept thinking, I am trying to get some trust in people and especially men and knowing God is a man and knowing he is pure just made me feel good saying that over and over that he is pure and he loves me, I pictured myself just curled up in his arms so happy and comfortable and I had no bad feelings about it. Now I am getting a little bad feelings which is HORRIBLE but I am trying to block them out, its the fact of an older MAN not the fact of it being God. Anyways so I told God just tell me what you want me to do, give me a sign and you know I always need obvious signs. I told him that I just needed someone to pray for me please, I just need someone to help me right now and get the holy spirit in here for me to lift this fear and panic and tell me what to do. I was sitting there for a while and I even thought of getting up because I opened my eyes and there werent that many people left up in front with me, but I stayed a while longer and this lady came to me, I felt her touch my back and I was just breathing sighs of happiness that my prayer was answered. I forget her name but I have seen her before at church. She said she is so glad that I have came back and she wanted to pray for me and if I had anything special to pray for. I told her that I have panic attacks in her ear. Then she started to pray for me and I dont really know what she said because it was so intense for me. I just remember crying again and her asking God to allow me to know why I am having this anxiety and fear and to help me overcome it. She got up and asked me do I know the reason or what brought it on. I told her that I had been drinking, I didnt say anything about my mom which I wish I would have. I told her about how the first one started when I was doing drugs when I was younger, then this time it happened after I was drinkin. I told her that is why I came back here today because I back when I was going before I didnt really drink and when I left I sort of got into all that shit again. I told her that after the attack I stopped drinking and smoking and how I am sorry that I ever left God and I’m sorry that I ever thought that I could do it on my own because I can’t and no-one can because we all need him in our lives because it is only through him that we can achieve TRUE happiness. And now I know this. I told her basically everything I just wrote about the sermon how it touched me and about how I had that panic attack for a reason etc. After I said all that she said what I had just said was really powerfull and stuff and then she wanted to pray again. While she was praying she said about how God forgives me and how he is rejoicing in heaven because of me coming back to him. She said how God feels so proud of me for coming back to church and coming up to the altar because he knows that was a really hard thing for me to do. When she said that it was weird because I hadnt told her how nervous I had been. She also told me that God says he is not mad or angry at me and he forgives me and that he understand that I am sorry and stuff like that. I forget everything exactly but that was basically what she said and it really touched my heart because it was exactly what I needed to hear because I am always thinking God is angry at me. There is no words I can write to say how I was feeling or what I was praying but I know that I could feel her hand shaking and I could feel the calmness and weight on my body and then the release of the weight. After that she gave me a card for weekly womens meetings and I hugged her and said my thanks and my and dan left. On the car ride home I just felt so AMAZING. All my anxiety and fears where just gone PSYCHICALLY and MENTALLY. I felt so calm within my body, a calmness I haven’t felt in so long, my muscles were relaxed and I just felt happy and energized without feeling anxiety which is hardly ever I can feel like that. Dan also said he was feeling really happy and energetic and we had a really nice talk about God and praying when we were on the ride home its weird because i told him about all the signs i get and about how i wanted someone to come pray for me and he said that he felt a magnetic pull towards me which is amazing to hear. I am glad he is happy with it and accepting, hearing the things he had to say without him just agreeing with me made me feel not so dorky. Anyways I just took out of that church session that God is with me adn not angery at me and whenever I have anxiety I just have to know that I AM NOT ALONE. Even when I feel derealization when I feel detached from everything and it is hard to imagine that someone is right there HE IS. And it’s weird that I never thought of it that way. Like today me and dan went to play tennis after acupuncture and I was getting anxoius because I was breathing heavy from the excersise so I felt derealization a little bit and I just kept telling myself it is ok God is with me, its just a feeling nothing bad is happening. Then dan said that he wanted to go across the feild and to the gas station to get some water while i waited at the park and I know this soounds so pathetic but it scared the shit out of me i hate being alone in open places because i am agoraphobic. I told him that but he said he would be right back and I told myself its ok I need to get over this so I let him go. When he left I kept telling myself its ok I am not alone, GOD is with me, he is protecting me from everything. I didn’t really feel that anxious after that. That is when I told myself I am going to pray next week asking God to help me have FULL FAITH. I mean my trust issues are so bad that I cannot even trust in God fully and completely like I said earlier even though I want to so bad. So that is going to be my prayer next week. Next week I also want to bring a couple people to church with me like kari, my mom and sabrina. I want to bring them up to the altar because I know it could really help them. I think I will bring my mom this week because I really want her to feel the holy spirit because she called me today crying about some things in her past that I can relate with, she said she wants to go into inpatient treatment and hey maybe she could even go to teen challenge. She is really wanting to quit drinking. My back is hurting so I will write more later just have to say that I probably left so many things out because there was too much to say about how much church, God and the holy spirit helped me this week.