Art Therapy.

Ok so I am really slipping on this thing about writing everyday its just that i get overwhlemed thinking about all the things i need to write because I am OCD so I feel like i need to include everything. Anyways so I did start an entry last week which is I am going to include it here:

"I’m starting to get into so much therapy. Yesterday I started going to this art therapist named Harry, he is pretty cool and it was our first visit and I cried. He uses all this stuff like scarves, dress up things, masks, drawing, etc so its like traditional talk therapy except more interactive. I think it works really well because he had me pick out of all this stuff and dress up as Yelhsa which is my name spelt backwards and I was suppose to pick out of all this stuff and dress up the opposite of me Ashley, because Yelhsa has everything I don’t, does everything I don’t and is everything i’m not. Then I had to come back and explain why I picked to dress up that way and I had to pretend i was giving advice to Ashley. So I said that as Yelhsa I go rockclimbing all the time and I play a whole bunch of instruments and I am super good at art and am really outgoing and not afraid of anything because I beleive myself, my advice to Ashley was that I just told her she had to be less afraid of everything because if she wasn’t then she could be like me (Yelhsa) and would be able to do everything like rock climb play instruments and do everything i’ve always wanted to do but let fear and depression get in my way. That’s when I started crying, idk why i just couldnt stop myself, it wasnt like I was balling or anything but it was just sad that my life could have been so much better and more sucsessfull if I didnt have anxiety and depression. I have so much motivation, creativity, ideas yet i dont put my potential to use because I am ALWAYS AFRAID and I said always lazy. He said I am not lazy I am just depressed and depression makes you tired and not feel like doing anything. He told me that I need to be a lot more easier on myself and all that sttuff. Anyways I think that he is a really good therpist but my biggest worry is that he is a older man and I was scared about the thing where I think all older men are perverted and I wouldnt be able to tell him things about me. "

Ok so thats what I wrote last week about my first appointment and I just had my second appointment this last monday and it was also great it’s just that it was uncomfortable because I talked about something very very personal and it was my second appointment so I was afraid I was going to fast telling him all about me too fast. I have never really told anything deep like that with a therapist only a few times in the psych ward and even then hardly. I feel like since I have never talked about these things they are just all bubbling inside of me and I just want to let them out I could talk about them for hours. I always wanted to share things about my past with my therapists but I was always too scared I didnt know how to bring it up, they always wanted to know how my day went and never wanted to talk about the past which I really want to talk about because there are so many things that fuck me up. So anyways this last appointment with Harry I read the poem to him that I read as a speech for my graduation which was a big thing for me because I am social phobic and there was so many people at graduation and I had to speak on a podium in front of everyone and tell them about my life and inner emotions. But it was also one of the greatest moments of my life because I faced one of my biggest fears and people kept telling me how they cried or almost cried and how it was the best speech and how they could relate this one lady came up to me and said she could hear her grandaughter speaking through me. 🙂 I don’t know if I’ve ever told you guys this but I will paste the speech here which is mostly a poem:

"My name is Ashley Marie Breding and I would first like to read you a poem that I wrote last semester in my poetry class.
————————————–
I am from the bad times
I am from shattered glass and glistening eyes
Beer can centerpieces and smoke stained window shades
Checking for heartbeats and quick shallow breath
I am from the fear. Of overdoses and old age
Of the Knives and the Pills and the Stairs and the Hands
Of the Fighting and the Falling and the Running and the Hiding
And Oh the Screaming, Dear Lord…the Screaming.
I am from broken promises and forgotten mistakes
From plexiglass windows and tiny paper cups holding prozac milkshakes
I am from makeshift mothers and visiting by the hour
From bottling up rage until it devours
I am from measuring perfection in calories and coagulation
From the nights when emptiness fulfilled and destruction brought salvation
I am from close your eyes and hug your knees
From sitting in a filthy bathroom corner begging please
I am from the Praying and the Crying and the Promising to God
Every night
That this would be the last time
I’d ask him to save a life.

I am from the good times
I am from her smile and her perfectly cut after school sandwiches
That could warm your frostbite dead of winter
I am from his voice, his laugh reading me those millions of books
On that big cushy armchair in the afternoons of my young childhood
I am from my grandmothers rocking chair
And my grandfathers roast beef
I am from their big house with the creaky stairs
Knickknacks and carved glass ashtrays
That no one ever used
I am from sorting the crayons by color
Squeezing mud through bare feet and staining my hands purple
With those backyard berries and the hole in the yard
That turned into a pool during sun showers
I am from “digging to China”
And dancing in the rain
Hide and seek in the freezer
And our dog super dog who always chased us from room to room
“To the rescue!” We’d scream.
I am from oboshinatintatin and jump ropes on sizzling city blacktops
I am from my summer camp, and the Wilderness
From the rocks I gripped and the rapids I braved
From the canoes I portaged and the trails I trudged
And Oh the stars, Dear Lord…. The Stars.
I am from the Moon.
Who could always comfort me, enlighten me, inspire me
In those times that make you feel as if those darker than night moments
Will never cease
——-
This poem not only describes my life, but it also describes my experience at bluesky charter school. Before I came to Bluesky my grades where the opposite of perfection and my attendance was on the verge of nonexsistance. Going in and out of the hospital and back and forth between different schools. I was pretty much what most people would have labeled a problem child, a troubled teen, a hopeless case. Except one little thing that threw everyone off. One little thing that blew peoples minds. I actually was extremely smart. People spent so many years trying to capture my brain power, trying to contain it in their classrooms, trying to force it out during

their early mornings, or trying to punish it for hiding in their detention but it just wouldn’t budge. In the end the only tool I really needed was a little independance and some teachers that beleived in my inconventionality. Some people just need to be free. Since my time at bluesky I have made mostly A’s on all my report cards. I have also quit harming myself and learned to channel my emotions into my art and writing thanks to the most amazing teachers and counselours. Right now I am the happiest I have been in 4 years and my future outlook is finally starting to line up with potential. I don’t know where I would be right now without bluesky."

So yeah that is what I read to my therapist and right after I got done reading the poem I said so that was the poem and he said "can you read it again please" and I was like the whole thing? And he was like yes. I guess he must have liked it alot lol so I read it again than i read the end speech part. Afterwards he said it was really powerfull and it really gets the reader engaged because of all the illustrative words and phrases. Anyways he really liked it then after that we decided to do another excersise which was that I had to get all these scarves and then I had to set one down on the floor for the most important people in my life right now. So I set one down for my mom, dad, dan, grandma, my sister and sabrina. So then after that he had me go over to the scarf that represented my mom and I had to pretend to talk to myself while pretending to be my mom so I had to think of what my mom would say to me. Then after that I had to do the opposite and pretend the scarf was my mom and reply to my mom. I basically could just talk to her and tell her everything that I want to say but can’t. I told her about how she always says she is going to stop drinking but she never does and uses the excuse that she is an alcoholic and cant help it. Like even if I come in and she’s only had a one beer I remind her of all the bad things that could happen and I tell her she could stop it right now if she wanted but she always says she cant because she is an alcoholic and she can never have just one beer. I tell her that that is just an excuse and that she is being weak and she isnt believing in herself and just falling with her same old ways everytime is the truth is that if she was really strong and proactive she could stop she has a choice in the matter just like if i have the blade in my hand against my arm I can still stop, and I have many times. I told her that it really gets me mad how badly she treats me when she is drunk and then the next day expects me to pretend like everything is ok. I told her about when I was little I felt like when she was drunk I would get so mad and angry but I would never say anything because I was scared of her when she was drunk and I would always promise myself that I wouldnt talk to her in the morning until she apologized for everything she did because of how badly she just HURT ME. I told her about how when I was younger I would hug her coat or sweater when she was drunk because I always felt like I didnt even mad a mom, she is so different when she is drunk it is like this monster is living inside of my mom, I just felt so alone and afraid like there was no one there for me and I had no where to go, no one to talk to even if something really bad happened. I also told her how it makes me mad that she never takes responsibility, she says that she cares and that she knows she is an acoholic and does bad thing but she always gets mad if we bring something up she did wrong or laughs at it or just denys it completely. I told her that she tells me that she has helped me so much throughout my life and when I was in the hospital and I thank her but really my true feelings are the reason why I am so fucked up is because of her, I think all of my mental problems are mostly her fault for all the shit and trauma i had to go through because of her drinking. I told her that even though she gets mad and tells me to look at my dad hes not perfect when i say anything bad about her, I do think it is mostly her fault.

I could never say that to my mom in real life and it was such a weight off my chest and such a relief because at that moment it actually felt like I was telling it too her because I was suppose to say it like she was there not just tell my therapist. So anyways then my therapist comes up and says ok I am going to say a statement and if it is true then repeat it and if it isn’t say something else instead of that. So he said "When you were drinking when I was young I always felt like I had to be the parent to you and I don’t think that it fair because I was a child and you were suppose to be taking care of me." When he said that it was sooo true so I repeated it to "her" and then added to it saying that it really did and still does feel like that because I had a younger sister and I always felt like I had to take care of her, make sure my dad was ok and make sure my mom wasnt getting hurt. I told her she is very violent and arguementative when she is drunk so it seemed like I always had to watch her to make sure that she wasnt getting into a fight with the wrong person and when she did get into a fight with the wrong person I would always have to rescue her like physically hold her back or get into the middle of it and i would plead and cry for her to stop and she would promise she would, but if I would let her go she would run after the person again without thought. I always had to be the mother to her. I mean i sometimes feel like without me there she would probably be dead, my dad would be hurt or worse and kari would be traumatized.

So anyways after that long talk with my mom we moved on to my dad and this was actually the hard one. When I was talking as him I didnt really know what to say because he doesnt know that much about my life and problems but when I was talking to him I basically told him about my eating disorder and how some of it stemmed from him always yelling about money all the time so I always felt guilty and wastefull for eating. I also told him that I always worry about him and it makes me mad when he drinks and thinks nothing of it because I have to constantly watch him like a hawk because when he fell down the stairs or when we thought he had a stroke it was really traumatizing and in reality it wouldnt be that hard for him to fall down the stairs again if he was drunk and I wasnt there. I told him how scared I get and that I love him so much. Then my therapist came up and did that thing again where I can repeat or not. He said "It really hurt me that you didnt really do anything when I told you that your friends were sexually harrassing and touching me" or something like that. I totally didnt see that coming because I totally block that out most of the time because I am more worried about my dad than angry at him usually. What he said was true though so I took a deep breath and repeated it. I don’t know if I have ever wrote about this one here or not but my dad has had a lot of friends and renters who were older men and have said sexual things to me or tried to do things with me, flirted with me, touched me, etc. I have told him about a couple and he doesnt really do anything to prevent it and sometimes he laughs about it and says theres y

our boyfriend or something like that. And even with the worst one which is willy, he said he wasnt even going to allow him in the house anymore but its like he forgot and he invites him over and even had him in the car with me at the same time once a couple months ago after i had pressed charges on him for sexual assault and we talked about it in family therapy at the psych ward and he promised. Anyways so yeah I repeated what my therapist said and then I went on and talked about it. I told my dad that yes it really does hurt but a lot of the time I dont like to think that he is trying to be mean or do anything bad. I told him that I tell myself that he forgets what I tell him or that he doesnt get how serious the issue is or how it affects me. I just tell myself if he is clueless but sometimes it is hard to beleive. I told him that sometimes it just makes me feel like maybe it is true the thing that people have said that is the biggest thing that I never try to think about which is that he molested me when i was really young. I told him I don’t know if that is even true or some gossip someone who was angry started (there tends to be a lot of angry people who would start something like that) . I told him but people have told me that before and then changed there minds later, like my mom and grandma or my aunt mary. I told him I DONT WANT TO BELIEVE IT and I try not to beleive it but it gets really hard when he doesnt do anything about these men harassing me. Everyone else who I told that my dad didnt really do anything were appalled by that fact, when I was trying to get disability the doctor there called it disgusting and was really angry! So I told my dad that it makes me so confused because I try not to think about it and it is all just a mistake but its hard to beleive when he does that and when he gets drunk and flirts with younger women like my cousin who was 18 at the time or talks about dirty things when he is drunk. I started crying way before this and was looking way up at the ceiling, which is weird because usually I look away because I dont like telling people things like this to their face but it was just a scarf representing my dad and I couldnt even look at it. At this point my therapist told me we are going to take a break and he sat me back down on the couch.

At that point I was retreating into my shell I just didnt want to look at the therapist I wanted to disapear, I felt like I had said to much but I felt like it all just flowed out of me and I couldnt stop it because it was in there for so long. I didnt think before I spoke. I felt like the therapist was going to think i was weird and stupid for bringing up something so personal on my second visit at therapy. I just felt like I was stupid for even saying anything at all. I felt like I didnt want to talk anymore which really brought me out of my shell because when he asked me do you think we are moving to fast in therapy I just sort of screamed "I DONT KNOW i dont know I just dont like to think about that it and I have only told a couple people" He said it must be hard thinking that about someone so close. And I just kept saying how hes my dad and i grew up with him and i love him and he raised me and I just care about him so much but when someone tells you that when you are 16 years old you dont know what to do, you dont know want to believe it because even if it was true what am I suppose to do stop loving my dad??? This reminded me about willy because he lived in my house for a year with no problems he was like an uncle to me, I talked to him all the time and always hung out and played pranks on him its just like one day he turned into this monster and its so crazy when something like that happens with someone you feel like you trust and know so much. I didnt tell my therapist about that tho. I just told him about how I could never see my dad doing anything like that. But I do think that something bad happened sexually to me when I was under 5 because ever since I can remember I get this weird feeling randomly, like I can be doing anything (on the computer, at work, going to school, cuddling with my bf) and all of a sudden I will just get this feeling in my body and in my head that is just so weird were I just feel like i dont want to be around anyone I just want to curl up and hide. Then when I got a little older like around 14 and I was still getting the feeling i finally identified it as that I am feeling violated sexually. I feel violated and I dont know why I feel that way and i dont know how i know that is what the feeling is. Anyways I told this to my therapist and I said that is why I am wondering like maybe something did happen to me when i was younger because i have always wanted to ask something what this feeling could be and he said yes it is very common that victims of sexual abuse can get feelings like that. Then I told him that I am not saying that my dad did anything like that though because I really dont believe that it just hurts me even thinking it could be a POSSIBILITY. I told him that even when I was younger my dad always had people living with us and he had his friend brad with us. And maybe it was him or something. I didn’t tell him this but maybe it could have been someone in foster care because i dont remember much but I do remember this older guy in a wheel chair that i would be alone with and sometimes i would like him and sometimes i would hate him. But I did tell my therapist that it just KILLS ME that I will probably NEVER know what happened. I just wanna know IF something happened, I mean who knows if I am making myself think this feeling up or it is randomly caused by something else. I wanna know WHO if it did happen I dont always wanna keep thinking of the possibility that it could be my dad. He told me that it is very common for you to block out the memories like that and also it is very common not to remember anything when you are that young. He told me that sexual molesters always tell there victims one of three things 1. "You made me do it" 2. "You liked it" 3. "It never happened". I don’t know maybe I was young and they told me in never happened. I didn’t tell my therpist this either because i forgot but the thing that my grandma told me about my dad was that my mom came to her one day crying saying that she thinks someone touched me. She said that I i was crying and I had marks down there or something and I was saying that daddy did it. Then she changed her story and told my grandma that brad did it. After that child protection was called and I was at my grandmas house but my parents came and "stole" me away while my grandma was in the other room and brought me to north dakota which is were they caught them and brought me into foster care. She says they questioned me there and they determined that nothing happened bad. But my question is why did i stay so long? And there is so many other questions i had like why did my dad leave the state? I dont get this i just want ANSWERS. I can never get a straight answer from anyone because i guess noone knows except whoever did it if anyone. I dont remember and I dont think i ever will because my first memory is while i was in north dakota right before i went to foster care. I asked my mom and now she doesnt remember she said she was always drinking.

Anyways now after all that I will tell you about the rest of the therapy session which wasnt

as emotional. I forgot to say that before the scarves we talked about me being a christian and how I first decided to be one which I think I have described in here before which was totally a sign from God because i did ask him for one. Anyways I told him that story then I also told him about how church helped me get over some of the struggles in my life and how it was really life changing for me which I have written on here before. I told him that I havent gone in a long time though because even though i met dan at church i dont really think that he wants to go. I told him that I feel like a dork and stupid because i feel like dan will judge me because he doesnt beleive that the holy spirit can enter your body and make you feel physical signs. I have felt tingles, lightness, wieghted down, I have fallen from that just fell when this guy touched my head and when i accepted God into my life. It is the most amazing feeling in the world. But i didnt think dan beleived in it because he told me before that he had never felt that before. That is the biggest reason why i believe and also the signs i see and get all the time. Like whenever I sit on the altar and ask God to send someone to pray for me someone always comes. Anyways my therapist basically asked me is it nessesary that me and Dan have the same beleifs and i said well i guess not and then he said well what do you think dan is going to say if you want to go to church and you have different beleifs, do you think he will be mad or leave you. then i kind of laughed because that is so the opposite of dan, he loves me no matter what. So I said well I guess I could tell him because nothing bad could happen. I guess thats just another irrational fear to get over. I’m just worried he will secretly judge me because i know that dan really is kind of a judgemental person i have noticed but i think maybe everyone is and i am just one of those select few who arent because of all the shit and different kinds of people i have lived with in my life and the fact that i want to study psychology and maybe be a therapist. Even a murderer I can find a sympathy for and a reason to say that it wasnt all his fault because of his childhood or something. I think most if not all crimes arent caused by a person they are caused by our fucked up society. Anyways so I promised my therapist that I would talk to dan about it and that the hardest thing would be telling him i wanna go up to the altar after because hardly anyone does that. It took me a long time to be comfortable doing that but it is the BEST PART OF CHURCH. anyways so i promised I would talk to dan and i would go to church this next wednesday because of how much it has helped me in my life in the past.

Ok so at the very end of my therapy session after the stressfull talk about molesting and stuff my therapist had me do one more activity. When he said it was going to be a drawing activity I automatically felt a deep breathe move through me. I was becoming relaxed just thinking of drawing, it is so calming to draw or talk to a therapist while drawing i dont know why maybe because you are busy with your hand making repetitive movement that is beauty. Anyways he drew a perfect circle by tracing a paper plate and then told me to color inside the circle whatever I wanted. I knew this activity before it was a mandala. I drew a flower with red smudged lines coming out of it. He asked me why my favorite color is purple and i said because it just seems to radiate emotion and deepness, spirituality and creativity. It reminds me of complexitity and of beauty that isnt so apparent, beauty that is more unique, rich and unconventional. Then he asked me why the red lines and I said red is anther one of my favorite colors because it is so bold and it is so out there. It is so vibrant. I said it can symbolize either love or pain/blood which is weird because they are complete opposite and also because someone you love really can cause you the most pain because they hold your heart the tightest. I also told him that the flower grew amoung this pain yet it is still so beautiful. He asked me why the flower wasnt colored in and I said because it doesnt know who it is yet. It is still growing. Anyways then it was pretty much time for the session to end and he told me that the circle is a very calming unison shape and that when i feel anxious it is usually calming to drawing inside or in a circle. That made since because that drawing did calm me down after talking about all the deep sexual shit. I said that i would draw more. I havent yet though. He also told me some techniques for anxiety like deep breathing which I’m still not sure if they work because i think i have done that before but we will see maybe i wasnt breathing with my stomach.

Anyways that is all for my therapy session i know i wrote a lot and damn my shoulders and neck hurt now. I still have so much to write so i will put it in another entry soon.I told you i am OCD about writing. I have to write every little thing but i like it i think it will help me become more creative. Anyways I think this has been the longest entry i have ever written if you read this whole thing YOU ARE AMAZING AND A WONDERFULL FRIEND!!!

Ashley/Taini