09/25/2011

Im so confused, I dont know what to do right now. Alex is writing this for me, and he probablly hates me. None of the solutions i used to use work anymore. Everything keeps making everything else worse, its 7:00 and it feels like a waste of my whole day. all I have been doing all day is crying and trying to figure out ways of trying to look normal or feel normal or something like that. I cant describe.. something im always striving for and sometimes I can get it If i pus myself down deep enough but theese days it just feels like chasing the opposite of what i want. I thought about cutting, I pulled off the top of a pop can, I pressed it p against my skin in the place thats always causing the problems, but I know that it would just cause more problems. so now im stuck, confused, seem like i have been in the same place all day except a worse version of it. I keep making things worse until they get to the point of no return. why are things so different now? are they really different or do I just make it seem that way? are the people areound me different or am i different? I tried to run and hide, either iin my mind or physically. physically i am stopped he wont let me go i could still run in my mind and i do but i keep coming back and i dont know how to stay there forever. things start so simple. I wake up, we have sex, I think in my mind how gross and unwanted it must have been for him. Its not that i didnt want it, but i dont know why i did it. like always its sort of like a reflex. I thnk in my mind, how next time, later I want to do it differently, how i wanna feel something. I want to feel him touch me instead of me just get on top and do what i always do. but thats irrational, thats stupid. he already doesnt want to have sex with me, so why would i make him do it in that way that no one wants to do it? self hatred starts. I take a shower in the warm hot water against my body, it feels good. but everytime his skin touches mine i flinch, I can see in my mind how ugly my face looks. I can see in my mind, how untouchable I am, how untouchable I feel. I try to shove it all down, but Im fucked up. And i cant be normal. Shit always comes back up it can never go away. why cant i be like every other girl, why cant I be like every other person, and forget? why do I have to be so selfish? I wanna be a barbie doll like everyone else, why does it have to be so hard for me? I think i deserve to be tortured and killed slowly. I tried to save him, all I feel like doing is making him happy, I hate that lately im so obvious, It brings me down. I dont understand why. I dont want to go outside, because I know everyone I see will think how ugly I am, and make fun of him for being next to me. But the more I tried to get him to leave, the more it makes him think there is something wrong with him. its so confusing. like I cant do anything right. so even tho I feel like just laying in bed and hating myself all day, and listening to thin spo, I go to eat at subway. I write about how I feel in a notebook, the food goind down feels like sin. but he doesnt read the notebook. he makes me talk. I try to get away, he wont let me get away, and Im fucked up and I like it, that he wont let me get away. but i keep trying. until I cry, he makes me feel okay. why do I have to go through all this and put him through all this just to feel ok. beautiful. he’s rubbing my back and holding my face, and telling me how beautiful i am. it feels perfect. i dont want it to end. I think in my head that this might be perfect timing, but i fucked up again. why does everything have to lead back to sex for me? i dont know. I thought I would feel so loved, to have him inside of me at such a perfect time. that our souls could connect but its at this time that i atart to realize im way to fucking romantic, because the mood changes. he doesnt want me, he doesnt touch me, I feel sad again but I dont know how to express.  I forget what happens he keeps asking me "whats wonrg? whats wrong?" and this whole time I have been trying to hold back. because like i said in the beggining my ideas are just fucking rediculous, stupid, undeserved, what the fuck? he acts like he doesnt know, how to make me feel, and it saddens me because the first orgasm he ever gave me was because of how I told him i dont want him to make love to me and he said that it was perfect. and thats exactly what he usually does. so know i dont understand why its so different, why he doesnt get it. I tried to show him with my hands on his hands. with my hands on his skin, but he keeps saying he doesnt get it, that there is something wrong with him, there is nothing wrong with him. there is nothing fucking wrong wiht him. he is to busy thinking there is something wrong with him to realize what i am trying to do. I remember what happened, I asked him and he said he was too tired. it was so hard to say, and I just started crying. something else happenes but i dont remember. all I know is everything built up to that. him askng "why why why?" me finally saying "why?" and then just getting denied. Im such a brat like that. I hate myself. anyways, I tried to go into myself and make things better cuz I know I have made him feel like shit now. I try to think of anything, but like always the main thing that pops into my head is sex. he asks me am i sure i want to have sex, that it would make me feel better. in my head, im screaming "NO no no, this is just a test stop it stop it stop it ashley what the fuck are you doing? you said you wouldnt use tests anymore after the last time." but out of my mouth comes the answer "yes, Im sure." instinct. tried to make it as rough as possible, to hurt and forget myself, to stay away from those evil words that I dont deserve. and to make him happy. I make him pull my hair, harder harder harder. try to get him into a good state of mind. my mind tries to think "try to enjoy it so you dont get mad that its a test." but i push it out, harder, harder, harder. it seems akward the way that we are doing it, but he istn able to get enough pleasure from me being on top. cuz like always I suck at being on top. then I ask him to to a diff position, and he utteres those evil fucked up words, that are know not in my dictionary anymore after he dinies me. Im so fucking stupid. after that, I start fucking crying and going crazy, like my body cant hold it in any longer. but it seems for just a couple seconds until i can hold my breath and make it pass, to go inside myself again. get up, try to seem normal. I think of what i should do about this situation. I know he isnt going to forget about me crying. The thing i love so much yet hate so much about him. I dont really remember what kind of excuses i tried to come up with, I manage to make him somewhat happy with them thought it seems. but i still have this burning urge inside of me to tell him how I feel. what the fuck? this is so inconvenient why cant i just not feel. why cant i just hold my breath and swallow it forever. when im holding him I find myself wanting to scream or hurt him. to really push him away this time. I think maybe i could. and it scares me. why the fuck do things have to be so different now? im not prepared for this, all I do is cause pain. all i deserve is pain. why am i such and inconsiderate brat. so i think of cutting, but i know i cant do that either because that wo

uld just upset him. and it really wouldnt help at all anyways. i feel like ive dug myself into such a deep hole that i cant come out now, that everything is just fucked, that we are ruined. i cant say anything and i cant no say anything, i dont know im so confused. so thats where we are now. i make him write a diary for me, as a way for me to tell him how i feel. without looking or feeling too obvious and stupid, please dont look back at me.