05/25/2010

I still get those bad feelings after sex, most of the time but I brush them off. Sometimes tho it all comes out. I just get this overwhelming feeling of anger toward Dan and something else, just undirected sense of Anger and Rage. It’s so bad I can’t think I can just feel its energy in my body and I feel trapped by it, there is no way out. Then I feel disgusted by Dan and Myself. I feel guilty for feeling angry because I feel confused on whether what happened is right or wrong. I try to tell myseelf that he didn’t mean bad but the Anger and Rage won’t leave my mind, it drives me crazy. I don’t know which is right and I feel so guilty and stupid. The intense feelings of guilt toppled on those intense feelings of disgusted with my self makes me hate myself in those moments. I just want them to go away. I don’t want any of Dans comforting words or caresses because that is part of the reason I am confused and the anger comes when he says that so I just want to be alone and cry until the feelings go away. I try to convince myself it is ok and i curl up and cry until I can then I do something to occupy my time. It feels like I am just bottling things up.

The tears come before the feelings always. I get this twinge of thought that says this is wrong, but I ignore it by saying this is what it is suppose to be like. Then when it is over it like all comes out and I cry even if I try not to, then the feelings overwhelm and I cant do anything. I start wishing I never did this in the first place because I never truly want it, I just want to be normal so that is why I do it. I sstart thinking how can I be so stupid.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result.