grogginess

i woke up to my alarm…decided to rest my eyes more…and then woke up a half an hour before i was to be at school…i’m usually a half an hour early…actually, i’ve always been this year…it was kind of like a flash back to first and second year…weird…and i feel like i did in first and second year…dry eyes, tiredness, hallow stomach…all that fun stuff…
i guess i’m extra tired because i cried myself to sleep last night…oh yeah…i don’t know why it affected me so much…it’s so frustrating…maybe it’s the pill…who knows…but i shouldn’t allow any one person to have this much power over how i feel…i should choose how i feel…i’m allowed to be upset, but not to the point of soaking my pillow over something like this when i barely shed a tear over more important things…it’s just a day…
since i told him about it a long time ago…i mentioned the actual meeting on the 2nd…i have it in a message…i’m glad i didn’t trash everything this round, so i have proof…i guess i just thought that, maybe he’d book it off for me…but you really can’t say to a band "sorry, i can’t film you tonight, so can we reschedule for next weekend?" or something…but what really got to me was the fact that he said he’d "HOPEFULLY" see me on saturday…hopefully…not deffinately…so it’s not even a guarantee that i’m able to see him that weekend…because i have brass quintet on sunday…
i read somewhere that if someone really cares about you that they’d want to see you and would do anything in order to have that happen…but, it’s not happening…but, i can’t believe everything i read…
hopefully i’m able to tell him these things when i eventually do see him…that i can say these things verbally…i’ve written them a few times…have told him in a message…so, hopefully i’m able to do so…i don’t want to pretend everything is ok when it’s not…although it probably won’t ever be fully "ok" until january…but, i know i deserve more…i shouldn’t feel like crap…
sometimes i feel so special, sometimes i feel like he’s ashamed, sometimes i feel like "meh"…but it’s all revolved around him…and it shouldn’t be that way…i’m content with everything else right now, so i’ll focus on that…a lot of people are coming to celebrate with me, my good friends…i’ll focus on school more (like i should be doing anyways) and hopefully i can get back to "normal" some time…
i don’t want any one person to be my life…because when that person is gone, i’d have nothing…even if i love them, my life and my experiences are more important to me…although experiencing that love for that person with that person is amazing…so, i’m basically fucked…