Where to begin

Oy, I am on CJs laptop because I didnt bring mine to his apartment tonight, but all the punctuation marks are in funny places and not as they are marked because it is from Chile. 

As I was saying…where to begin.

I am now 24, which is very odd to me because I am no longer in my early twenties, but am now in my mid twenties. It is a stranger shift than most of the entirely culturally significant shifts to date. In my head, this means that I am really an adult. Not 18 or 21 or 22…but 24.  I dont really know where I imagined I would be at 24, but this definitely isn{t it. I guess I always imagined that at 24 I would have my life more in order and be living like a big girl. I think that realization is what makes you an adultñ… that was definitely supposed to be a semicolon, not an n with a tilda…that no matter how old you are or how mature you are, you will never be as wise, composed, and{or mature as you thought you would be when you werea a kid.

My birthday was amazing this year, entirely thanks to my fabulous best friend, boyfriend, and family. No pipes bursting. No crazy drug filled, drunken party involving molestation. I had the entire weekend off as well as Friday thanks to an early time off request, and the general awesomeness of my boss. Friday night CJ suprised me by taking me out to dinner at an amazing Latin-Asian fusion restaurant called Chifa. There was a bouquet of my favorite flowers waiting on the table, we ordered wine, he had this whole sweet speech prepared, we shared some amazing food and it was just really romantic. Saturday night Lyss, her boyfriend, CJ, I and a bunch of our Chilean friends as well as several Chileans I didn{t know all went to a pub called Finnegans Wake to sing along to 90s cover band music and dance til we could barely walk. Sunday afternoon my mom cooked dinner for her entire side of the family because January is my uncle{s birthday, my mamie{s birthday, and my birthday. It was so wonderful to see everyone and laugh and talk over a really good meal.

In other news, I got a phone call from the Pennsylvania Prison Society last week about a job they wanted me to come in and interview for. I had stopped applying for jobs when I got this job at the wine bar because there was a lot of studying I needed to do and tests to prepare for. I was planning  on beginning the search again at the end of January, once things had settled down again, but honestly, I have been so happy with this job that I don{t know how assiduously I would have been searching. The Pennsylvania Prison Society had my resume from a job I had applied for back in August that they apparently didn{t want to hire me for, but they held onto my resume because they really liked my credentials. So anyway…I got a call last Tuesday asking if I could come in for an interview the next day. We set up an interview for Thursday, which really turned into three interviews and an invitation to come back the next day for life skills graduation ceremony – the position was for a life skills educator for ex’-offenders – and a fourth interview. Everyone seemed really enthusiastic about me and super excited about the interviews. One lady called me a blessing from Jesus, which was a little weird, but encouraging. They told me they would call me by Tuesday or Wednesday with a decision.

But all I could think of wasÑ well, now what is my decision going to be

I have been itching to get a job in my field ever since before I even graduated. But…I really, really like the job I have now. I come home happy, excited, energized from learning new things, meeting new people, and being in a fun work environment. I am told almost every day how happy they are that they hired me. I have full benefits, a good salary which will only get better, and job security. I am great at this job. My schedule is flexible enough that I could volunteer with a cause or organization in the city two days a week . But it isn{t social work, which has always been my goal and I wonder if, in a couple months, i will feel like a failure because I didnt meet that goal. Then I wonder if I am being foolish to treat life like a to do list rather than a journey that is constantly evolving. This job is just thatÑ a job, not the respected profession I trained for. Could I get over my pride_ When introducing myself and telling people what I do, would I be able to deal with the dismissal in their eyes_

This other job is in social work, and a position I held before at one of my internships. I am terrified to fail. That after all my hard work and training, when thrown into a real, paid position, I will not be good at it. It will be stressful and frustrating and I will most likely come home every night exhausted and grouchy. But it will be challenging and I will have a deep sense of satisfaction knowing that I am part of a social movement for creating a better world. The grant funding this job ends in June, without any guarantee of renewal or another position with this organization. They assured me that my qualifications wuld make it likely that they would have another position for me within the organization, but there is no guarantee. So in five months I could be unemployed again, but this time with rent and car payments to make, and no insurance. Any ther waitressing job I found to tide me over would not pay anywhere near as well as this one or have any benefits.

After much hemming and hawing – such odd words when you think about it – I had made up my mind to take the social work position. Because I would hate to turn it down and always wonder if I could have done it, life is about taking risks, and I promised to start doing things that scared me so that I didn{t look back at my life at 70 and discover that it was one of complacency. But then on Tuesday night, as I was leaving work I thought that the next day I might be giving my two weeks notice to my boss. The idea made me really sad, which made me question my decision all over again.

However, it is now very very early Friday morning and I have yet to receive a call regarding the position. So all my worrying may have been for nothing as the decision has probably been taken out of my hands already. I will email them tomorrow afternoon to inquire, but even if I don{t get the position, this experience has a lot of ramifications. Do I continue looking for a job_ Would it be worth dealing with the rejection and frustration when I already have a job I love_ What will make me truly happy in the long run_ )I am truly sick of looking at my life in context of the long run. Long term goals and plans are important, but I just spent the last five years of my life working too hard, stressing too much, and not enjoying my time and my life enough because I figured once college was over I would get a job I loved and be able to be happy and have a real life. Well guess what, I have  job I love and a real life and I am happy right now. It isn{t what I wasplanning on, but do I really want t

o pursue what I was planning on if it isn{t going to make me happy right now in the hopes that I will be able to enjoy my life and be happy in another five years_

I think I am beginning to adjust my preconceptions of what is important in life and what is enough. I also think that last paragraph made up my mind for me.

How many times do I need to come here –  after struggling with decisions for days or weeks, write it all down, and find that the decision wasn{t nearly as difficult as I thought and even more important than I though – to realize that this should have been my first step in the decision making process. OD to the rescue yet again.

I apologize for all the punctuation and spelling mistakes. Computers set to Spanish are rather difficult to navigate.