well into the new year

How did that happen?

And with that realization comes the inevitable contemplations on new beginnings, though really January 1st isn’t the beginning of anything; just a part of the cycle.

"There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time, but it was a beginning."
Oh Robert Jordan.

This is not cohesive. But that’s okay. The concept of the cycle truly alters all my contemplations a bit, which is throwing off my groove. I think I am finding it again, just give me a second.

I feel like my life was in flux and not in a syncopated rhythm for the majority of 2009. Like I was clapping along to a favorite song, but I kept missing the beats by a split second. Looking back, it was like I was trying to squeeze myself into a life mold that wasn’t quite right, though I wanted it to be, instead of allowing my life to mold to fit me.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself here, because I am famous for being one step ahead of myself – kind of like when you are running so fast that your legs can’t keep up with you and you stumble a little in your enthusiasm – but it feels like I am settling into a rhythm that suits me. Like I am clapping along to my own song instead of that awkward clapper half a beat behind. I like this groove. This isn’t necessarily a new beginning so much as the cycle of my life finally being in sync with the cycle of me. No more dissonant wavelengths. I am mixing metaphors. And that’s okay, because that is me too.

Everything isn’t perfect. But I am getting to a place where that is okay too. I am truly starting to believe that "Everything will turn out okay in the end, because if it isn’t okay then it isn’t the end" – instead of just telling myself that. Thanks Pa Ingalls aka Michael Landon. If I am living with my mom and her husband, well that’s okay because I am grateful to have a place to live and it is part of the healing process between my mom and I. Plus, Lyss and I will be moving in together soon. If I am still waitressing, well that’s okay too because I have a steady income, health benefits, and an interesting job. My career may not be everything I once thought it would be, but that’s okay too because maybe the career I had planned isn’t what is going to make me truly content through the ins and outs of my life. I will make opportunities and opportunities will present themselves and I will make the most of the ones I choose.

When it comes down to it, I spent most of today feeling this joyous sense of contentment wedged down in my chest, right behind my lungs. The smallest things would make it swell, pressing on my lungs just enough to force a little laugh to come bubbling out of me.

And that, is how I know I am learning to clap to my own rhythm.