Today was a bad day

I didn’t do any work today, get out of my PJs, or even shower. Instead, I cried quite a bit. You know that kind of cry…the nearly nearly constant, slow drip that leaves your eyes fuzzy and puffy, with no particular instigating incident. No accompanying sobs or dramatics. Just a reaction to the subtle, creeping realization, usually pushed out of the way by daily life, that I am infertile and will never conceive or bear a child. It feels like a horrible self-indulgence. I should have gotten out, gotten up, done something in the frigid, pale sunshine, but I had absolutely no motivation.

With adoption still a vague path forward, it feels like I am just wandering aimlessly right now. Waiting. Again. We have settled on an agency, I think, but we have to attend an orientation before we can even meet with anyone or begin the official process. DH will be out of the country during February’s orientation, and they have yet to set a date for March’s, so we are just on hold until then.