The two week wait…

may kill me.

Doc was able to retrieve six eggs, five of which developed. We implanted three this time around. Here’s hoping we don’t have to do selective reduction. They were better quality than the first two. The night before the transfer, one had eight cells and two had six cells, which had increased by the time they did the implantation the next morning.

Not too many side effects post-transfer. I have had two instances while driving when I narrowly avoided what felt like a panic attack. Not healthy for the little eggs, but it is hard to want them so badly and know there is nothing I can do to keep them. It was this day during the last cycle that I started spotting. I have been anxiously checking my panties every time I go to the bathroom for signs of spotting this time around. It will feel like a minor victory if I make it through today without it. Only five days left to the HCG test. The waiting feels interminable, but until the test there is still hope. I would almost rather this unbearable uncertain hope than a negative result.

We have a big family birthday party today. My cousin and his four children will be there, including the newest addition to the family, who is only three months old. I skipped her baby shower because it was four days after I received my last negative HCG test. I don’t want to be bitter about their four beautiful children that they can’t afford, but it is hard not to begrudge them their abundance of fertility. I am anxious about how I will react to the baby. My emotions have been all over the place, with the stupidest things making me force back tears. I am afraid that if I hold that tiny little baby I will just burst into tears and start sobbing hysterically in front of everyone.

My best friend and her husband started trying to have a baby a month ago. It would be so amazing if we were pregnant at the same time. However, if she gets pregnant right away and this doesn’t work…well, I just hope I can put aside any negative feelings and be happy for her joy. It isn’t fair to detract from someone else’s happiness because they have what I can’t.