mutually exclusive

A recent entry by one of my favorites really got me thinking today.

I am one of those people who is just filled and overflowing with love. For everyone. Yet instead of feeling satisfied just being a loving person, I always feel a little directionless unless I am concentrating that love on an individual. Which is ridiculous because if there is one thing my life does not lack, it is direction. But it makes sense. Because I am always in and out of relationships an pseudo-relationships.

And I am always running away from those same involvements because I feel trapped. Because freedom and being in love feel so mutually exclusive. Which is probably just because I am constantly falling into the next opportunity to love someone rather than being in love with the right someone. Maybe that is how I will know when I am finally in love with the right someone – when freedom and love are no longer mutually exclusive.

What I really need to do is just stay out of relationships (which is something I say everytime I end one, but never actually do) for a while and concentrate on being a loving person in general. And when I start to feel directionless without a focal point for all that love, I’ll give it to myself. I should be the focal point of my own love for a while. That would be a change of pace. Somehow I always turn my love and kindness outwards and my frustration and anger inwards. I love myself, but I don’t always show it. Yet somehow, I am always showing other people how much I love them.

Until freedom and love become mutually inclusive I should work on being the focal point of my own love. Perhaps that is what mutual inclusivity has been waiting for. Well, that, and the appropriate person.