Menopur addition

The Menopur needle is only a little bit longer and thicker than the Lupron, but it hurts more. It seems to take forever to pull it out. The medication stings going in. Mixing together the powders and the sodium chloride was really confusing at first. It is 1 unit of sodium chloride to two Menopur powders. It is not that the actual task is difficult. I am just so anxious that I will mess it up. There is a little voice in the back of my head asking, “What if I do it wrong and I am wasting the medication and my eggs don’t grow enough?” My husband tries to be supportive and is anxious that we do this correctly as well, so he keeps asking me questions and second guessing me. I know he just wants to help, but it doesn’t.

It is hard for him to watch. He feels guilty that I am having to go through this because he had cancer. I tell him it is nobody’s fault. It is just this horrible thing that happened and we are just going to have to get through this. It doesn’t absolve his guilt and I feel like throwing my hands up. Right now, with all the needles and the pills and the side effects and he’s making this about him. It is hard for me to watch me stab myself with two needles a night too!

When it comes down to the intramuscular needles in my bottom, he won’t be able to do it. Those needles are really big. They made it sound pretty scary in the injection training. They talked about hitting a blood vessel and drawing blood into the syringe. His insecurity does not make me feel any more secure. My mom has agreed to do those injections. She is an operating room nurse and is used to needles and stabbing people with them. A steady hand sounds much more reassuring.

This situation is testing us. Revealing sides of each other that we haven’t seen before. I resent him a little at times. When he found out he had cancer and was going through all the surgeries and medical procedures, I stepped up. I learned everything I could about his cancer, pre-op and post-op care, recovery, etc. I was prepared for anything he might need. I don’t feel like he is doing that for me. I had to throw a temper tantrum to get him to read the literature provided by the IVF doctor. I think his guilt over us needing to do IVF in the first place is causing him to distance himself from it. He doesn’t want to know all the scary details so that he won’t feel any worse about what I am going to have to do in order for us to have a baby. I feel alone in this. He wouldn’t want me to, but I do. It isn’t natural that at this point, us having a baby has nothing to do with him anymore. He has already jerked off into a cup half a dozen times and the rest is just me and the doctor and the IVF nurse and our millions of appointments. My desperation for support surprises me. I am scared and anxious. I am used to being the one who says, “This is just how it is, and it is no fun, but we have to do it. It is going to be okay and everything is going as it should.” He is supposed to be the one saying that now, and I resent the fact that I am still the one saying it.