life and confusion

Grad school is so incredibly busy.  I have to keep journals on practically every aspect of school and my internship for classes, and since that is really all my life consists of right now, writing it all over again in here feels rather redundant. So I am going to have to find other random things to write about.

I will say that I officially gained 10 pounds since I broke up with my ex. This is not okay. My eating and exercise habits need some serious structual reinforcement.

One good thing is that I live exactly 1.5 miles from the ocean and the boardwalk, which has mile markers on it. So it makes for an interesting running route. However, that does require me getting home before dark which hasn’t been happening Monday through Thursday because of class and my internship. I usually run later at night, but the streets here aren’t very well light.

Another thing I have been avoiding talking about is this man that kind of planted himself in my life and has taken root. I have avoided talking about him because he is friends with someone who happened to "stumble upon" my diary and figure out who I was. Regardless…this wasn’t planned. I still plan on keeping  my decisions for after grad school completely independent of this and working on loving myself and focusing on school. It all comes back to the same arguement I have been having with myself for years: how much am I willing to give up for my career? In the end, will I look back on it as having given things and people up or be happy with my decisions that lead to an amazing, adventurous, and rewarding life and work.Will I be happy with the life I am planning out for myself? Or will I be lonely and crave the American ideal of a house with a picket fence in the suburbs with a husband and children. (Somehow I doubt ever craving the children part.) What do I really want for myself? That is simple. To be happy. The problem is that I don’t know what will make me happy.

So I will leave you with snippets of one of my favorite Goo Goo Dolls songs:

"Without You Here"

"And I’m not sure I believe anything I feel/…..

And I’m trying to believe
In things that I don’t know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned/…..

My head lies to my heart
And my heart it still believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive/…."