It’s official

I told him that I want a divorce today.

It was so awful. There are few things in this world that I hate worse than hurting the ones that I care about. However:

“I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.” -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I have quoted her before and I will do so again.

He begged, and bargained, and promised to be better. It tore at my heart to know that I am causing him so much pain, but no matter how much I hated hurting him, I was not tempted to give in. I could see how easy it would be to give him one more chance, like he asked. To slip back into old routines while he balanced on the edge of a knife, on his best behavior, holding his breathe. While I held my breath, waiting for him to give me an excuse. That’s no way to live. I could see it unfold in front of me. He asked why I never gave him an ultimatum. That he was stubborn and had to be dragged. That’s not the kind of partnership I am interested in.

Our conversation only reinforced my confidence that this is the right decision. It was clear that our basic motivations in life and our beliefs about love and marriage are no longer the same. He sees everything so black and white: “If I still love him, then we should stay married.” But I see marriage as a choice. A way to express your love that is not solely about love. It is about choosing a partner to go through life with. I love him, but he has not been a good partner.

I feel callous and ruthless, and shaken to my very core.

He made up the guest bed and we have retreated to our respective rooms. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. Though I have a few hours of respite tonight, I have a feeling he will continue to reach for me desperately.