I always come back

I always come stumbling back to OD. It was almost a year ago that my writing became intermittent and then non-existent. When last I wrote, I was drunk, ashamed, slightly panicked, and making choices in real life that fully illustrated every nook and cranny of of the damaged paths within me. Maybe if I had been more adamantly instrospective I never would have faltered. But that is the same conclusion I come to every time, isn’t it?

I am not going to sugar coat it because I want you all to still like and respect me, though I doubt there are many of you left. There was another man who was charming, funny, carefree, a writer, a musician, all the things I am a sucker for. We spent a lot of time together. CJ was working 14-15 hour days almost 7 days a week. He kissed me, I got confused and scared of losing Sylvia Plath’s plums. Eventually we slept together. Once. And I knew what an awful person I was and how much I was fucking everything up. Because this man, though amazing and amusing in the present, would never be my future. Could never handle every side of me or plan a life with me. He was the archetype of the majority of the men I have dated who need me more than they are able to be a partner to me.

I have spent the last year loving CJ, all his amazing qualities and faults, more and more and planning for our future and having a life together and building a lasting partnership of support and trust and love and being more sure every day that I want to marry him. Despite my early self-sabotauging attempts to screw this up, we are strong and happy. Those damaged parts of me that were screaming "what if" and doubts have all faded into nothing because I finally know that this is my best chance at a happy life because it has such a good foundation.

Which is why it is scary that no matter how much love I have overflowing every pore of my being when I think of CJ, knowing that we are legally getting married tomorrow makes it a little hard to catch my breath. I know this is right with everything I have in me. I am so scared that I will panic.