Here’s to the heart…

…that is wise enough to know when it’s better off broken.

–Dave von Ronk

Not broken; just badly bruised.

This has not been an easy decision, but it is the right decision for me.

Before we jump into the whirlwind/whirlpool that is adoption, we are taking some time. I am taking some time; to drink good wine, to be spontaneous, to travel, to meditate on acceptance and who I have become on the other side of this tortuous journey.

We have not told anyone about the decision. I am not yet comfortable enough with my emotions to defend the decision or to not feel the shame of failure in the face of admitting defeat. The failure of not being able to carry a baby in my womb. The failure to persevere.

I know. I am working on reframing, but those are the first thoughts and emotions that arise despite my logic. I am waiting for my heart to catch up with my brain.

There was no failure here, only life, genetics, and (I hope) the wisdom and self awareness to recognize that this process is not my path to happiness. I could someday come to call it failure with pride, because success at all costs is not a success I want for myself.

While I wait for my heart to catch up, I am doing and planning things that bring me joy. I have signed up for several botany and gardening classes at a local nature preserve. My husband and I are taking a trip to Montreal for a long weekend…without wondering or worrying about what day of cycle it is! Such a little thing, but it makes me feel recklessly alive and giddy with the abandonment of tracking time with obsessive precision.

“Soft Watch at the Moment of First Explosion” Salvador Dali

All of my clocks and calendars feel like a Salvador Dali painting, and it is so liberating.