Fool me once…
…shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. He convinced me over and over again since August, every time he gave up, that this was truly what he wanted and that he would do better. Since then, we have tried and he has quit:
Parent Child Interactive Therapy
Love and Logic parenting classes
Adoption Support Group
Individual therapy
One after the other. I believed him because I wanted so badly to believe that we could do this. I trusted him because that is what you do with the people you love. The boys are ours now. Legally and permanently our sons, and yet here we are again. I am so tired.
“I’m done. I don’t want to live with the kids anymore.” What does that even mean? Are you just going to pick up and leave us? We are your family. You made a commitment to us. Every time you say you’re in, and I think it is getting better, you check out. You leave me alone in this. You break my trust in you again and again.
I am loyal and committed to the people I care about. That is who I am at my core. I deserve a partner who doesn’t just give up. I used to believe so deeply in my unshakeable resolve and dedication. It wasn’t a choice. It was who I was, it was what marriage was. But who does it really make me when I keep letting this happen in the name of unwavering support for my partner. Who will I become when, in order to protect myself and our children from you and the insecurity of knowing that at any moment you could just withdraw your love and support, I stop being surprised that you are on the verge of giving up. Because if I am not surprised, then I am expecting it. What does that make our marriage? I am beginning to wait, constantly on the edge of my seat, holding my breath, waiting for you to actually do it. Because I am beginning to believe you really mean it, you just can’t find the resolve to actually do it. You are just letting my determination sweep you along into a life you don’t want and now it is too late to go back.
What are you going to do about it?
His answer was that none of my solutions “worked for him.” He didn’t like the discomfort of trying something new and working to change. He wants to take a step back from the kids; take care of cooking, cleaning, everything but child care. So what does that make me? A single mother and a wife in two completely different spheres? He has a wife and his wife has two children? That is not how being a part of a family works.
I started going to therapy again back in February, to sort through this mess of a marriage, who I am as a mother, and what to do about this life I am leading. I called up the same woman I went to see when I was a teenager. She remembered me nearly 15 years later. I need to find a new job. I travel a few days a month and I can’t leave my oldest son home alone with him. Until then, we are going to hire a nanny to come on the nights I can’t be home, or my mom will come and stay.
I am so tired.