Enough

The cyst has not yet dissolved. The final indignity in a long, dehumanizing, agonizing process is that when we started, there was nothing wrong with my lady parts. Now, through the miracles of modern medicine, I have a cyst continuing to grow on my left ovary.

All my stubborn perseverance has drained away. This rollercoaster that was so hard to get off just a few weeks ago, no longer seems to be moving so fast. I don’t have to do this to myself, or to us, anymore. We are finished with IVF.

The stone that felt like it had settled in my lungs, the anxious, dogged counting, and the bleak, tortuous process of the the next cycle that always felt like it was the only part of my future I could focus on…are gone. It provides some relief, but not as much as I had been hoping I might feel.

I am at peace with this choice, partially because it is a choice. Yes, we chose to be finished after the third round, but that was always the choice that was going to result from failure. This decision is a result of taking stock of the last several years, the tolls they have taken on us, and saying:

“Enough.”

Not, as in, “we’ve had enough, we give up.”

“Enough” as in:

I am not going to subject myself to this any longer. I am not going to let myself, these drugs, and this process, destroy me any more.

There are places I want to go, things I want to do, people I want to be and meet. One of those people that I want to be is a mother, but it is not all I want to be. I am not going to sacrifice the opportunity to go, and do, and be all of those things for one of those things. There are other ways.

I am not ready to throw myself into the pursuit of adoption yet. That process is going to be challenging and will require a greater reserve of emotional strength than I have in my well right now. I need time to process this decision I have made to accept that I may never bear children. I am at peace with this decision, but not quite yet at peace with the ramifications.