Desperate

So I was just watching an old episode of Desperate Housewives, a guilty pleasure of mine, and it brought to mind a line that I remembered for some reason. I one of the previous seasons the narrator says, "We are all desperate…" It is the only time in the entire series I can recall them verbally referencing desperation as opposed to simply demonstrating it. When I heard that line I thought: That’s silly. I’m not desperate. Most people aren’t desperate.

But as I’ve been watching the series and the various demonstrations throughout of the many, varied ways that people can be desperate, I changed my mind.

"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." –Henry David Thoreau

"Why should we be in such desperate haste to succeed and in such desperate enterprises?" –Henry David Thoreau

I am desperate to be loved. Not, it seems, for the sake of being loved, but…well I don’t know why. I collect the love of others like little pebbles to carry in my pocket so I can carress them and reassure myself. Of what, I don’t really know. Once someone falls in love with me I cherish it but soon I start to feel claustrophobic. I’d convinced myself that it is because I don’t like being accountable to others, but I am starting to believe it is because I start to panic. I panic that they will stop loving me, and if they stop that someone else might not start. And so I am constantly trying to find new people to fall in love with me to reassure myself that I can always find someone else to love me.

And why am I so desperate to know that I can always find someone to love me? Not necessarily so that I can be loved now, but so that someday, when I am ready, I can settle down and be happy? Why can’t I enjoy the love I have and be happy at that point in time?

I am desperate to be happy, but not necessarily right now. I am obsessed with planning my life so that I can achieve what I want, or what I should want. I make myself miserable in the present, thinking that if I can just get this degree or that degree or this job or have this experience or weigh that much or be completely in control then I will be happy. I fling myself from decision to decision, convincing myself that when I have gathered all these skills and experiences that I can settle down and be happy with my life. With a wonderful man, job, and house; because I will have worked to arrange it that way. But I don’t know what makes me happy. I take that back. I know the little things that make me happy: laughing with my friends, ice cream, gerber daisies, poetry, reading, dancing, and a million other little things. But I have convinced myself of the Westernized American ideal that the little things in life aren’t enough to give you that fulfilling, enriched, happy life. Could I make a life out of all the little thing? I think I am happy working to help people enrich their lives and combat the social injustices and human rights abuses they experience in their everyday lives. But does that really make me happy or does that just make me feel like I am contributing something worthwhile to the world and doing something meaningful, and thus am happy? I think everyone needs work in their lives that they find meaningful. Why do I have it in my head that in order for my work to be meaningful I have to devote my life to a career that involves such self sacrifices? It feels like there are two extreme and divergent paths in my life right now. I know neither will make me happy, but I can’t seem to figure out a middle ground. And they time is drawing very close to when I need to make a decision. Do I pursue a life of international social work filled with hardship, work, adventure, and changing the world, or do I settle down locally to a more traditional lifestyle involving friends, family, a little apartment, a significant other to share my life, and work that changes the lives of individuals. Which would make me happy? Why do I have to know now?

I took my grandma, whom I greatly admire and love, out to lunch yesterday. She said two things that I am trying very deeply to consider. "Sometimes you just needto stop planning and let things happen. Some amazing things can come along."  "When you meet the right man you will know. You will just fall very deeply in love without even realizing it. One day you will wake up and decide you don’t ever want to be without him."

And now, it is 4:16 AM and I have to be up in 3 hours. I haven’t been sleeping much lately. Too much work and in my head I always feel that if I don’t go to sleep tomorrow can’t come. Which in turn means I don’t have to deal with making these decisions.

What are you desperate for?