cleansing rain?

We fought. And it is sad that it is a good thing. But it is. Because it forced us to verbalize things that needed to be said. I was having a discussion with the bartender (my coworker and his best friend) about left and right wing politics and voting patterns and the issue of abortion came up. I won’t go into detail regarding the entire conversation but I said something to the effect of, "..if I ever get pregnant, I want to have a choice that doesn’t involve bringing an unwanted child into the world or a back alley and a rusty coat hanger."

Though he wasn’t a part of the conversation I could feel the tension in his body. I thought it was because I am pro-choice. But what he got from that was that if I had considered the possibility of getting pregnant then  I wasn’t intending to spend the rest of my life with him (he has had a vasectomy). Sorry that was possibly TMI, but integral to the story.

I have never once said I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I have also never said straight out, "this is over when I leave for grad school." I’ve been non-commital. And perhaps that makes me a horrible person. But trust me, I’ve gone over and over the options in my head and this is the only feasible one.

But the point I am trying to make is that this arguemnt gave me an opportunity to make the points that my schedule is going to be so tight next year that I won’t have time to sleep. And the time I will have available is not going to be the time that he has available. So yes, it is a very real possibility that we won’t work. He was very hurt by my realistic point of view. I put it as nicely as I could…but facts are facts.

The rain tonight drizzled giant pregnant drops. It would have been enough to wash away the things we said had I wanted it to. I could have gone to him and tried to mollify and comfort him in the face of reality. But I didn’t. I’m not sure if I should have tried, or if it would just have given him false hope. I hate to see him hurting like this.

That first rumble of thunder was so well timed. Ah, symbolism. I will take that as the answer to my uncertainties.

And I will try to convince myself that my actions are in the best interest of all involved.