back in the land of spring

I arrived safely back in US. Safely aside from some pretty serious sunburn and a few emotional scars. I am not a person who heals well.

Even slight emotional traumas in my life tend to leave behind gaping wounds. It takes a long time for them to scar over with vivd pink, tender skin. The refugee camp took a lot out of me. It drained me of optimism and damaged my belief in humanity. It also taught me to apply the strengths perspective in non-superficial settings, to find the good in people and situations no matter what. Sometimes it seems like the good is such a trivial matter in the face of such devastation that it isn’t worth acknowledging. However miniscule it is; it is my lifeline. I need to remember that so I don’t drown.

I already wrote about my mother. Returning was awkward. She did this strange about-face after finding out that for the past two years I thought she had kicked me out of the house. Such a weird misunderstanding. It is such a large thing to just go undiscovered for two years. I guess it speaks volumes about our relationship (or may be just my communication skills) that we never talked about it before now. The last several weeks I was there she wrote me a few emails about how much she missed talking to me and was so excited for me to come back. She bought a phone card the last week I was there and tried to call a couple times. No one else had much luck with the phone cards either. It was odd, and wouldn’t have been unwelcome if I could have shaken the feeling that her actions were spurred by guilt rather than genuine interest. I can’t decide anymore whether to be hurt by the instances in which she ignores me. It sucks that I have gotten to the point where it is almost not worth my time and energy to be wounded by them. I guess if it has come down to a logical decision over whether to be hurt then the clear path of action is not to be phased by it. I never truly wanted to get to a point of indifference towards her.

It’s true that I was miserable and depressed for a while once I found out that she had never truly kicked me out. I should have been relieved. But instead I was devastated that I spent so much time and energy feeling betrayed by something that never really happened.

Skippy and I spent a while in the car on the way home from the airport lamenting our issues. I think that is one of the reasons we are such good friends. All pretenses come down and we are free to admit to all our neuroses and hang ups and hold ups and…issues…without judgement. We laughed about it a bit.

My cousin nearly died the other night. She had an ectopic pregnancy – twins on her fallopian tube. They scheduled her for surgery the next day but her tube ruptured in the night. She lost so much blood that she nearly bled out four times. Her blood pressure was so low that they couldn’t put her under anastesia. She flat lined 3 times. This is her fourth miscarriage. She is so private about them. After each one she tends to curl up into a ball for several weeks and then move on as if they never happened. She and her husband want children so desperately. I have considered being a surrogate for them if that is an option they wanted to pursue. We will see where life takes us all in a few years I guess.

I was hoping that my room mates would learn to clean in the two months I was gone. No such luck. The house was so filthy I didn’t even want to shower before heading down to dinner at my mom’s house. I had just spent 25 hours traveling and the bathroom was so disgusting that I chose not to shower. There was food in the fridge that had been there since before I left. It was all moldy and disgusting. There was mold growing on the walls of the fridge, food encrusted dishes covered every counter, the stove had puddles of congealed grease in the burners, cat litter was all over half the kitchen, there were dead moldering flowers in a vase in the living room, the kitchen floor was sticky and muddy, the toilet had a brown ring inside it, the bathroom floor was covered with hair. Ick! I am all itchy just thinking about it.

I packed an overnight bag and headed to my mom’s for dinner before going to BW’s for the night. It was such a relief to see him. I missed him so much. I was a little anxious in the hours leading up to seeing him…unsure of how we would react – half terrified that, for all my missing him while I was gone, I would feel nothing when I finally saw him again. This was not the case at all.

I left Friday morning and drove back to school for my first class. Classes are over-rated. I was immediately inundated by the fact that I have way too much work to do in the next three weeks before school ends. I went back to my little house for all of about half an hour before deciding I couldn’t possbily live there for the next month without cleaning and there is no way in hell I am cleaning up their filth anymore. So I called BW and moved in last night. It was a month early, which is an extra rent I have to pay, but it is only another $207 for May in addition to my $534 for the house at school. I am only paying half rent for April with BW. Still a lot of money, but at this point all the money I have seems to just be pouring down the drain. It will be better once I am in Philly for good and not commuting and living in both places.

It is a little earlier than we were planning, but he is excited to have me here. I am excited to be here, just a little paranoid and nervous that he is suddenly going to change his mind and decide he isn’t ready to live together. I think it will be okay though.

Well….it will be okay if I ever stop procrasinating and actually do all the school work I have to do.