3-20-09
I recently had a conversation via email with my mom in which she reacted with suprise when I mentioned that I couldn’t move home. She apparently had no idea that I thought she had kicked me out of the house. I thought it was just one of those things we were studiously avoiding mentioning for the sake of maintaining and salvaging what was left of our relationship. Either she is lying or really doesn’t remember saying, "It would be best if you didn’t move home."
The email I wrote in response was angry and hurt and I wanted to dump all the hurt and abadoned feelings on her from two years of thinking she didn’t want me in her life anymore. But it wouldn’t change the last two years. So I decided to let it go. I have mostly dealt with all the crap from those two years. Why bring it up now. I guess it is good to know I can move home now that I don’t need to.
The email is below:
3/20/09
Communication is important. So here’s a truth that I should have told you a thousand times over, but didn’t for a thousand reasons.
I’m sorry I haven’t tried harder with Paul. I was angry with him because he was the reason you never made time for me. I was hurt that you always chose being with him to spending any time with me. I was hurt that you would welcome him into our home and tell me that I wasn’t welcome there anymore (so I thought). It was a difficult adjustment. When Daddy was alive it was always the three of us. Or so it felt like to me. There was never a separate relationship that I was excluded from. Then, when he died, it was just the two of us. When Paul came I suddenly had to share you, but it felt more like I had to give you up completely.
There was nearly a year…most of 2007, where I honestly thought that I had lost you and that you really did not have room for me in your life anymore. I was so rarely able to come home, but when I did I tried to tell you as many weeks in advance as possible, hoping you would be free. All I wanted was to spend an afternoon with you – to laugh and have fun and just be with you. But you always ended up busy or having company or going away for the weekend. The few times I managed to convince you to do something it was only for a few hours and you did not hide the fact that you had other things to do. You made it seem like such a chore to have to make time for me. On top of all that I thought you had kicked me out of the house. It was like losing Daddy all over again, except that you were choosing to not have me in your life. I felt so alone and hurt and abandoned. I became afraid of asking you to spend time with me because the inevitable rejection hurt so badly. I stopped asking and I stopped calling just to chat. I figured that if you really didn’t have time for me then I should stop trying to insert myself into your life. I think I was secretly hoping that you would wake up and realize you missed me and realize how long it had been since you had hung out with me. I gave in after a couple weeks because the reality that you didn’t call me hurt worse. There was an entire year in which I had to beg for your time and attention and still usually didn’t get it.
I didn’t just come forward and tell you that you never seemed to have time for me anymore because I didn’t want to be whiny and demanding- the jealous only child in a contest of wills for her mother’s affection. I was afraid he would win. I didn’t want to put you in a position in which you would feel like you had to choose. Even writing this know, it feels so petty and whiny but it still hurt. I figured if you were happy, then that was all that really mattered. I was slightly terrified that you would confirm my worst fears and say that you didn’t want to spend time with me and that your new life didn’t include me. And once things got better it meant that none of it was intentional, but I still didn’t want to mention it because I didn’t want my hurt feelings to hurt you.
I don’t know exactly at what point things began to get better. But they did. And I am so grateful, because I missed you so much during that year.
But why mention all this now if things are better? I guess because I am still hurt. Because I found out after two years that you never actually kicked me out of your house. Because I still feel like I am walking on eggshells because I don’t want to get too comfortable with our new relationship and have to deal with feeling like I am losing you if there is another phase in which you don’t have time for me. Because I am still angry with you for leaving me. Because I don’t feel like I can just move on and have an amazing relationship with you when I am still so hurt and you didn’t even know it.
My mom recently reacted with suprise when I mentioned that I couldn’t move home. She apparently didn’t think she kicked me out of the house.
I didn’t know how to react to this. Whether she is just lying or honestly doesn’t remember saying, "It would be best if you didn’t move home."
I let it go. FIghting about it and blaming her and dumping all my hurt and abandoned feelings on her now wouldn’t change the last two years. Good to know I can move home now that I don’t need to. Before I decided to let it go, I wrote her an email. I never sent it.