You’re here. Yes I am. Where’ve you been?

Home. I’ve been at home. It’s been a zillion years since you’ve been here. I know. It’s been forever since we’ve talked. [enter John] [end conversation] [cue ignoration of dreamergrrl]

Long time no see! Yeah… How’ve you been? *as if I could sum up how I’ve been for 4 months in one sentence* Oh, fine… stressed. Hi miss Erin. Hi Kathy… Will you be joining me at Cedar Point on June 15? Um, I’m not sure? Well the money’s due next week. Oh. *as if I can just go to Youth Annual Conference as if I’m a regular member of church* I’ll have to find out. [end conversation (or lack thereof) with Kathy immediately]

It was confirmation Sunday. Becca and Peter got confirmed. That’s actually kind of why we went… the ministers (Peter’s parents – you remember them, right? You know, the kid I’m going to marry and all?) invited us to a luncheon celebrating Peter’s confirmation following church. So we went. For the first time since New Year’s Day. It was weird. It was weird sitting there in one of the back rows of pews in our normal place, feeling as if I was just there last week, and the week before that, and the week before that. Yet it was… strange. It didn’t help that I was on the verge of falling asleep due to some cold medication which basically knocked me out. (I took a 2 1/2 hour nap today, and that’s after 9 hours of sleep last night… very unusual. I’m still in this tired foggy thing.) But we were there, and my friends (most of whom are younger than me??) were glad to see me. And I missed some of them… they’re really sweet, good people, no matter what their age.

It was strange seeing Peter. I think I’ve seen him once or twice since I’ve not been to church, but not for a long period of time. *sighs* Yeah… I remember why I used to think I was going to marry him. Why does he have to be the age he is? We didn’t really talk much, but there it was. That same thing I used to get, I suppose. He’s growing up… it’s so strange. I grew up already, it seems. Or at least, got over that huge hurdle that exists somewhere between junior high and high school. Do you understand?

I dislike Kathy. Why is that? Why was she one of my favorite people freshman year? Why does she make new people feel wonderful, but old people feel used? Or people who’ve not attended church for 4 months feel exactly how they did when they left? But more out of place? How is it that confirmation Sunday made me feel so guilty? All this pledging to attend church and whatnot… and the thing was, I felt like I had no right making those pledges to the confirmands or encouraging them to make that pledge. I hadn’t been there for 4 months!! I don’t know what we’re going to do. We still haven’t really discussed it.

We sang one chorus of “Sanctuary”. It gave me chills and put tears in my eyes.

Lord prepare me
To be a sanctuary!
Pure and holy
Tride and true!
With thanksgiving
I’ll be a living
Sanctuary
For you!

I haven’t sung that forever. I love it. I thrive on things like that. It reminds me of Lakeside. It reminds me of Reach Out. It reminds me of God, and my faith, and all of those things which used to drive me and make me pledge after Reach Out that I would not allow my fire to burn out. And I’m not sure it really did, except I never went to church. The fire was still a small little ember, I guess… it never died, and I don’t believe it would have faded so if we still went. But we have our reasons. It was not a decision to not go to church, it was more of a decision of what is right and wrong, hypocritical or loving, what we needed from a church. Who knows.

Once again, I’m

~swept away in uncertainty~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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