Work Entry Numero Zwei

I am incredibly stir-crazy. I am not a very physical person, but I seriously want to just go RUN right now… THAT’s how bad it is. I’ve actually worked for most of the day, but the thing is I’ve mostly worked on stuff that technically isn’t my main job. Like part of my job is determining requirements for applications and working with functional partners, etc, and then the other part of my job is contributing to the program I’m in. The latter part is the stuff that I tend to excel in but is usually absolutely worthless in terms of business productivity. Right now I’m the focal point for two different things in the program – one is an appraisal process that I own, and the other is the newsletter.

You heard it, I’m the editor of our program newsletter. Oh dear, I sometimes crack myself up so much. I’m totally overhauling this puppy too… in the past it was quarterly, ugly, didn’t have many readers, and was pretty much about random technology and what’s going on in the business, etc. What?!? Why would it be about that, when we have two billion other newsletters about that stuff written by people who actually work in those areas. Why would we not use the newsletter as a mechanism for communicating about the program? Why wouldn’t we highlight program members, program graduates, talk about bootcamp in Shanghai… you know… relevant stuff?

So, we are. It’s going to be monthly (first issue comes out the end of this month). We have a totally new logo (thanks to a friend of mine who’s on the committee) and a sweet photo banner that will change every month (thanks to another friend of mine on the committee), so the look of the newsletter is completely different and young and fresh. We want to draw the readers in. The content is mostly focused on people, rotation awards, what program members are doing, etc. Things people actually care about, or at least I sure hope so.

I digress. My point was, I’ve been working on the newsletter practically non-stop, and I can’t seem to really get started in on my actual rotation work. Ugh. It’s not that I’m totally not trying, because I am… it’s just in this weird transition place, or at least the one is. The other project is semi-on hold, but not? I just don’t know the processes enough yet, and I can’t get anyone to really dig into it with me. People are way too busy to spend time telling me how the functional people do their job. I really need to try to do a day in the life of an engineer. I wonder how to go about doing that?

I’ve been listening to a lot of psychology podcasts. I find them incredibly interesting. I’ve also been reading some psychology articles and blogs and whatnot.

Chris thinks I would be a good account manager at his company. It sounds cool… like something I might be able to do and possibly enjoy? I’m in this very strange place in my head. I don’t want to do this anymore, but I know I need to suck it up and just get it done. After this rotation, I really just want to move onto something completely new, but if I do that I will burn bridges. I’m not sure there’s a way not to. The optimal thing would be to take a job off program, and then after 2 years move out of the project management area. Here’s the thing though, I’m not sure I will ever find something that truly makes me happy while working here. And I mean I don’t know that for sure, but that’s how I feel right now. More bridge burning. I owe this company a lot, and I feel like I need to pay them back. On the other hand, I feel like staying longer will not pay them back, because the whole time I’ll be wishing I was somewhere else and won’t be nearly as productive as I’m capable.

I really can be productive, I swear – yesterday I was extremely productive… on the newsletter. But I keep losing concentration. I’ll start thinking internally (again) and get completely off-task, and I can’t even help it. I don’t lose concentration when I work on the newsletter. Mmm it’s so pretty I wish I could show you a screenshot…

I can be extremely productive when I have interest in things and have distinct opinions on things. But I don’t know enough about this are to have distinct opinions. When I know what needs to happen or even if someone working for me knows what needs to happen and I know who to ask, or at least know who might know who to ask, things happen. I can clear a path for you in a space I know. I form pretty tight relationships with people, and when you’re friends with people in other areas things will happen for you. You help them, they help you, you get things done. And I like that… I’m good at forming relationships (if I don’t hate your guts, which isn’t totally out of the realm of possibilities) and enjoy connecting people.

Sometimes I trick myself into thinking by doing this deep-dive into my mind and soul searching on career path I’m actually doing my job. I think I could make that a good argument if I was talking with other people about it, or if I was sure my career path was at this company and following the, well, career path that I’m already on. But right now I’m really hoping that’s not true.

Ok so then there’s money. I make pretty damned good money for someone who’s been out of school for only two years. If I go somewhere else, or if I get into another field, I just don’t see it staying at this level. And I just don’t think I could possibly ever go back to school (let alone med school – yuck) for psychology/psychiatry. But I could surprise myself. Doubtful though.

Chris feels bad that he encouraged me to be a computer science major. Not his fault… I don’t regret it, I learned some interesting things, and I had fun being a nerd and learning how to program. I appeased my logical, detail-oriented side. I do wonder what would have happened had I stayed in that other psych class instead of dropping for java… would I have declared psychology? It’s very possible. But would I be who I am now? Probably not, but I don’t really know the answer to that.

Alright. Back to work!

(indecision)

… I’m totally living up to my name right now aren’t I …