why aren’t you there? are you coming?

No. I’m not. Maybe this week. Maybe for his confirmation. But no. I’m not. Why? I don’t know. I do know, but I can’t tell you. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it. I’ll feel like an outsider if I go to that. Don’t tell me to read it. I know it’s there. I’ve skimmed it. It holds nothing. It holds nothing. Some of it holds more than imaginable. But other things… nothing. I want to, but I’m not allowed. Please believe me on that… but the rest… I’m confused. I’m waiting for them to do something. Go, not go, go somewhere, anything. But I can’t move until they do. I’m stuck. I don’t go there, but nothing else claims me. Do I still go there? Why aren’t I there? I grew up for the past few years there. But I’m not there. Never. Not for months. Where are you? Are you coming? No.

Did I know you were going to prom with him? No. Did you know I was going to prom with him? That’s great? Yes, yes it is. You know each other. We’ll see you there. Relates. To everything.

I talked to him on the phone. His mom might not let him drive to my house. Might have to drop him off. Then how do we drive to prom? Not sure. Anyway, we talked. He’s enamored with baseball. Slightly sickens me. He can never just talk. Always watching TV or playing a video game or wrapping Christmas gifts. Not intellectual. Not smart. “I need an intellectual girlfriend” my ass. That’s not him, that’s another person. You want to smoke weed, but you want a nice intellectual girl. Yeah that’s a way to get her. But yes, I want an intellectual boyfriend. Not the point. Rambling.

Too much history. Coloring books in college classes. Studying to much. Entropy. Level just shot up. I don’t know… no I’m not coming.

I think I need summer before something seriously wrong happens to me. Like some type of brain nerve snapping. Like this. Too many classes, too much stress, too much band, too many hobbies. Too much. You could drop in once and awhile… we don’t bite. Yes you do. Maybe not you, but they bite. They suck the blood out of good, decent people. And then tell others they should love. And they bite. The younger ones. Nothing is said. Too much being said. No peace. No quiet. No discussions. No time if nothing is said. No time with all this studying and practicing and talking. I don’t know why… I can’t tell you. You don’t know that the person sitting next to you drinks the marrow out of another life. No one knows. I’m not coming. I can’t until they do.

Unusually

~swept away in cynicism~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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