where did my best friend go?

I’m going to begin by quoting what I just wrote in an IM:

“It’s like you think you know your best friends – and you think nothing will ever change… But one day, you wake up, and something’s different. You have nothing to say to each other, and while you still do things, it always feels like there’s a wall between you.”

She has been the best friend I have ever had. I thought she was a lot like me – she was friends with me despite my nerdiness, (she’s a slight nerd too), my morals, just the freak that I am basically. We used to do stuff every weekend in the winter… it was so much fun. We liked the same guy, which caused a few problems if you refer back to some of my entries, we had the same tastes, we got depressed together, we were totally freaky off-the-wall together… We were best friends.

I think it changed when I was playing in the pit. That absorbed so much of my time that we didn’t do anything for at least a month. But we were still friends. We eventually got together again, despite her on-again off-again depressed self, but we never talked on the phone quite as much.

Then she got her job. I’m pretty sure that was the one thing that sent us sailing to a crash. Less time on weekends – less time on the phone – just wierd things. See, she’s had her license since October, and I have yet to get mine. And I think that made her mature in many ways, but somehow I think she may not have been quite ready for that freedom… or that much at least. I find more and more that she does something tasteless that I do not agree with. It’s like she has no sensitivity to certain things. It drives me crazy.

There’s another friend who she’s become very very close to. One I’ve not mentioned in this diary, because I first became friends with her in Myrtle Beach. Don’t get me wrong – she’s awesome. And she is one of my friends… But whenever those two are together, it seems like the rest of us in the room do not exist. I never have anything to say to my “best friend”. And she rarely has something to say to me. It’s strange, and I hate it.

One of the things she has said throughout the year is how each year she loses all of her friends. I always told her, no – I will never hate you. But I’m beginning to think that I want to hate some things about her, and that it’s really HER fault that she loses her friends. It’s almost as if she GIVES UP on us after awhile. I don’t understand at all.

Meanwhile another one of our mutual friends has become my best friend. I’m not sure why, and I’m not sure when it happened, but I lost my best friend, even if she is still there.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl