this is a story… a story I told last night…

“and you and i are meant to be together in the end so its all gonna work out and i’m just gonna have to wait a little bit” –Jared

How are you supposed to respond to that? Damn it all. Jared found out that Ryan’s bullshitting worked this past summer at camp. Jared hates Ryan more than ever now, as do I, and is still obviously in love with me. I don’t know what to say or do.

This is what happened at camp. From the very first second I got there, I was standing there with Emily, and we were just about to find Jared. I got this nervous little butterfly feeling in my stomach. I don’t know why… it was just like we’d talked soooo much online and I hadn’t seen him all year… we were both SO EXCITED to go see him. And then there he was, standing in line, next to some other punk I recognized from the picture. I gave Jared all three of the hugs I owed him, and we were laughing and hugging… and it was awesome. And then he introduced me to Ryan, who seemed weird at first, but… I don’t know… Ryan-ish.

He left that night to play for church the next morning, and when he came back the next day, I was in the lake swimming with Andy (another bastard), when Ryan came walking down the pier with Jared. This was for all intent purposes our second meeting. *yuck in a bathing suit too* But anyway. Ryan seemed… odd… but there was something about him that I liked. *grr* That was also the day Emily and I went punk, but she got too hot after lunch and changed, but I changed back into my big huge jeans and pink punk bracelet and whatnot. (She and I had done it to surprise Jared… it was really fun!)

And things just kind of went from there. His stupid hand shakes every second, constant flirtation by bullshitting… But see, I made it easy for him. I was at that pathetic stage, where I was sick of being 17 and totally single and all that. And I was sick of Andy, and Ryan was definitely a change from Andy. I just let myself be swept away by annoyingness.

I was figuring out by then that Jared liked me, but I wasn’t positive. One night we’d been sitting on the pier talking and it was getting dark, so we headed back up to the cabins. Jared decided to take a different route up just for a change of pace, even though I wanted to go the usual way. Part way into the walk the stars were out and it was just he and I walking through the streets of Lakeside through all the cottages. We were actually going the wrong way… or at least I thought we were. I was a little turned around, because it was night and they weren’t the usual streets we would take. So anyway, we ran into Steve, and I was soooooo glad to see him, because I didn’t want to be alone with Jared anymore… didn’t want to give him major wrong impressions. So we walked with Steve the rest of the way.

But it wasn’t only Ryan I liked at camp. It was Brian too! They’re totally different… couldn’t be more different. Brian’s actually one of my brothers now… sits by me in physics and whatnot. Anyway… the horrible thing was, Ryan was winning out over Brian too… I think I really hurt Brian for an asshole that lives 2 1/2 hours away and bullshits everyone and really isn’t a person.

So we got back from our two day missions, and on that day we always have a band come and play. No, it was the day after. At any rate, I was all punked out again, but the band was kind of loud, and I didn’t feel like being in there. They were kind of good and all, but not great or anything. So I was spending some time outside, and then I saw Andy… with this 15 year old girl that I’d seen him with since they got back from the missions. And I saw him guiding her in the door way, and I saw him kiss her hair. Andy being the only guy I had ever ALMOST had a relationship with. Andy having been in my mission group my first year along with Jared. Andy having somehow gotten me instead of Jared. Andy having screwed me over so many times it’s not funny. Andy who took me to prom. Andy the asshole who came to my house for a day and insulted everything and is a complete bastard. But nevertheless, Andy that had wanted to go out with me and I rejected… and I was seeing him, actually SEEING (though he’d had girlfriends I’d known about before) him with another girl. And it killed me.

Brian really helped me through that night. I was soooo mad and sooo hurt. I shouldn’t have been, because I didn’t like him anyway, but I was… because… it was weird… and I didn’t know how to handle it. So Brian talked to me a lot… and we ran around… and he made me laugh… it was good. And then I was running through the sprinklers which had been running non-stop since the beginning of camp, and they caught on my big huge jeans. DOWN I went… on my butt… in the mud… (That was really fun, but god those jeans smelled horrible by the time I got them home.)

Hmm, where was I going with this? Right, so Brian. Brian and I’ve known each other since 5th grade or something, but I didn’t know him REALLY well until I went to Youth Annual Conference with him in June, and then camp in July. At camp I was at Hilltop (being a high school girl) and he was at the Hilltop Annex (being a high school guy), so we were in the same group for morning devotions and a lot of that type of activity. We’d walk together to those places and sit together… you know… hang out. And sometimes when we’d walk he’d hang his arm around my neck. I think at that point he was shorter than me. He’s grown since… but he’s still not much taller than me. Point being, it could have been seen as completely plutonic, or it could have been hey I like you. And I kind of liked him back, except for the entire Ryan thing.

to be continued