speaking of ending…

I talked to Chris B. today. I told him I thought we should just be friends, which he was totally cool with. (But reitterated the fact that if I changed my mind I needed to let him know?) At any rate, Meg definitely slapped some sense into me today on our way to CSA. Yeah, she’s right… again. And actually, just being on campus again clarified that for me a lot… not talking to him on Friday or Saturday while I was violently ill and busy respectively pu that in perspective too. I was getting caught up in our internet conversations… everything’s easier to get swept up in online, isn’t it. In reflection over the day, I’ve realized that those issues I have with him are completely valid… that I shouldn’t, mmm, compromise?? I guess is what I’m looking for, especially when considering a relationship or even a psuedo-relationship. Furthermore (very German essay-esque) I know myself way too well, and I know that I would end up hurting him. As much as I do actually care about him, I don’t like… as much as I want to right now. And let’s face it… the only reason Chris and I were even a possibility is because I want the attention right now… the physical attention if nothing else. The comfort, I should say.

And maybe that’s a completely normal rational acceptable excuse, but I will not submit right now. There has to be more in it.

We have six weeks left… that’s not enough time to build a relationship that will last the summer with anyone.

To be honest, having such nice weather today made me want to go out and have fun with people rather than make me want to cuddle in a dorm room. It reminded me that if someone asked me for a date, I really wouldn’t mind going on a few of those before summer. (not that I’m saying that will happen at all – it usually does not) The point is, though, if that were to happen, and I was with Chris for some unexplainable reason, I would not have been unfair to myself, but Chris too. There are so many reasons!

Hey I’m really sorry that this is one of those shallow let me talk about the boys in my life entries, but I needed to write this, I needed to keep this for my future reference, and I needed to feel that I’ve at least attempted to keep you updated. This is, in a way, a “let me admit my weaknesses” kind of entry… a “let’s examine my flaws” entry in a way. And in many ways it’s hard for me to expose this part of myself.