“ridiculous”

I’m trying to figure out whether I’m just insane, or I have a reason to be upest. And why I’m so FUCKING PISSED OFF at Chris. I’ve never been this upset at him…

Ok, this will probably all sound stupid, but nevertheless it obviously drove me to this state. Yesterday the hot water turned off two minutes into my shower. This in itself is pretty trivial… sure I didn’t really get to wash my hair and I looked like shit for the rest of the day, but that’s not really enough to send anyone over the edge. This morning I get up, looking forward to my shower (since I’m starting to feel a little gross), and read the NEW signs on the bathroom wall. “The drains are clogged in the basement. Do not run water of any kind at all. Do NOT flush the toilets, do not shower.” At first I think this is some sort of sick April Fool’s Day joke, although our basement drains have been known to clog. So I check out the other bathrooms – same thing. There are vans from physical facilities downstairs. Ok, no shower, no bathroom, no sink… that really fucking sucks. I got dressed and went over to an academic building just to use the bathroom. I took my toothbrush, but lost the nerve to actually brush my teeth there.

I get back, go into Chris’ room, and he’s like… “well ours just say don’t flush the toilets. I showered this morning – people have been showering all morning.” This pisses me off, and upsets me that 1) their signs don’t say not to do that and ours do 2) I could’ve actually showered this morning 3) their showers probably hurt the situation even more and yet the boys don’t care about it at all…

Ok, so enough to make me feel really disgusting and a little cranky (come on I had to go to an ACADEMIC building just to use the bathroom this morning). Then Chris asks if I’m ready to go to lunch… I feel really gross… dont’ feel like I should be oing ANYWHERE, so I say “Yeah, great… ” and maybe give a little huff or something. I’m admittedly not the best at communicating when I’m upset. So then he comes back with “FINE, be that way.” Alright… both in the wrong at this point. I try to explain to him that I just feel gross and would it be ok if I just ate what I already have here? He says sure, whatever… then goes back to his computer. THIS is the main point of being pissed off. Whenever I’m upset or irrational or WHATEVER instead of making a point to talk to me face to face (I’m clearly willing/trying to do this) he turns back to his FUCKING computer and refuses to turn around. So I come upstairs.

I sit here for awhile, and decide I’m being ridiculous and we should just go where we normally go and do our stats – lunch looks pretty good, and I’ll just suck it up so we can continue our routine. I message him about this. No response. I go downstairs and he’s on his way out the door to a different dining hall to grab something to bring back. I say, “didn’t you get my messages?” “No, I was playing…” OK – PUT UP AN AWAY MESSAGE WHEN YOU’RE IN WOW. It’s really not that hard – I do it all the time. SO THEN he’s like, but you don’t want to go there. And I say, but, let’s just go… (because at this point I’m still emotionally upset – just because I AM and I don’t know why… it just happens.) And he’s like, well you can come get food to go with me… And I personally don’t really know what I want to do… I’m not good at making decisions, but when I’ve finally made up my mind and someone throws a new wrench in the works I don’t do well with that…

So I’m still visibly upset and crying (granted no one thing that’s happened warrants crying… but sometimes they just all add up) and he’s still huffy and saying “Whatever.” He says he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset, and there’s really no point. I point out to him that he hasn’t even attempted to understand why I’m upset (which is what’s making me the most upset), and he says “Yeah, because I think it’s ridiculous!” Clearly, this is NOT an understanding attitude. I don’t care if you think it’s ridiculous, try to find out why it’s upsetting ME so much. So, fuming at this point, I say… “Fine, I’m going upstairs.” And again, he says “FINE – be that way.”

I’m SO sick of this. I want to take his computer and smash it into little tiny pieces. Ok maybe I could take his video card and RAM out first for myself… but THEN I want to smash it into little tiny pieces. And then I want to sit him down and MAKE him understand why things make me upset, regardless if they would upset him or not.

He needs to understand that we don’t always know why things upset us or what makes us cry… he needs to understand that half the time I get like this it’s because I’m female and my body does strange, weird things that none of us really understand… he needs to understand that when I’m upset I don’t always know if I’m PMSing and therefore just not rational at all, or if something truly upsets me. I DON’T KNOW… and it would really help if he could sit down and help me figure that out… if he could STOP staring at his damned computer… just show some fucking compassion.

OH, and if ANYONE leaves me a fucking note saying “Wow, I wish you knew how good you have it – so many people are abused and have spouses that die and can’t go to college and YADDA YADDA YADDA…” I wilL SCREAM. I REALIZE how petty this is. I REALIZE how good my life is. I’M JUST FUCKING PISSED OFF. LEAVE ME ALONE.