remember me?

You know, maybe after 800 some entries the “masters” feel a sense of guilt at deletion and spare some dedicated lives. (Although I realize that my use of “dedicated” is not only questionable but downright doubtful judging by my past few years’ performance.) I will say, however, that I do keep coming back. And I was TRULY dedicated for two years… maybe even three if you’re generous.

I seem to have lost the point of this entry.

Does the other Dustin still exist? Scrambled??? I hope that you are not the sad remains of a deletion. It screams of big brother big box office movie warnings.

I decided to change. The stars are still me… my bedroom (at least my frequently permanent yet ultimately temporary bedroom) is full of stars… but, well, I needed to move on. I would’ve clung to the colors and pattern and quotes forever. I’m not the same person I was when I used to go by dreamergrrl. Sure, some parts remain, and ultimately my essence is the same, but a great deal of me has changed. I would never dream (haha) to use a name like “dreamergrrl” now… and sometimes I wish I could change it. (Yes I know I can technically change it.) But… would I want to? To me that’s a little like changing my own name. Not my last name, but my first… And perhaps someday I will find the guts to change my name as well; but for now, I will remain dreamergrrl.

I like the sound of lemon chiffon. I think I might even like the sound of salmon… but do you like the look of them?

For a long time I didn’t want Chris to have access to this diary. I’m not sure why… I guess I thought I needed one last little haven, or secret. But I’ve since decided that that’s utterly ridiculous. So many others have access to this diary… so many I rarely talk to, many that I still talk to and love dearly… the most important person in my life should be able to read this too. He should be able to read starting with the silly little sophomore in high school who began this diary claiming to be anti-just about everything right up to the junior in college who is now not-so-anti-most of what I once was. If that makes any sense.

I visited my past piano teacher today. I’ve decided to take lessons this summer and try to get my fingers back… to claim my ability again. I miss playing… I haven’t played anything well in almost two years… I haven’t really even played much at all in almost two years… I’m excited, nervous, scared that I’m just as bad as I remember myself being… scared that I can’t get back to where I also remember myself being… but ultimately happy that I have the guts to do this. I could’ve easily gone the rest of my life never really playing again… but… I know I would’ve regretted it terribly. Even now I have tears thinking about it… I spent so many years working… so many months not working nearly as hard as I should have, but for the most part I worked and I loved the work – and I was good. Not performance material… not even teacher material, but good enough to play respectable pieces; good enough to sight-read non-easy pieces… good enough to sit down and play almost anything I wanted to get enjoyment. This will be good for me.

I also started reading some mindless yet entertaining books. In summer session I read Crichton’s Disclosure, and now I’m reading Grisham’s The Runaway Jury. I think I just got too caught up in trying to read well-known and well-respected authors during and after senior year – I lost the love for reading, and then in college with the start of reading textbooks (blaaah) I just totally couldn’t motivate myself to read much of anything anymore. So, I think mindless is perfect in order to get me back. It’s funny… Chris has begun to read again too… and since I’ve left he seems to be playing guitar and singing more. I think both of us have just been starving for music and literature without realizing it. And I sincerely believe our mutual love for both will make us even stronger and closer… those loves are core to our personalities and to ourselves; I’m not sure how we lost the time for them – or allowed each other to do so.

Anyway, I meant to go to bed an hour ago so that I could read, but here I am writing another entry instead. (just like old times, right?) At any rate, I bid you all a lovely evening and good reading.

Yours always, OD,
@~>~>-eek