rage and band

I feel myself slipping back into marching mode. The anger and sarcasm rising with every minute that we stand out in the humidity and scorching heat of the sun. I notice that I am so easily annoyed these days. So easily perturbed by even the best of friends. I can’t stand the fundamental drills that are purposeless. I can’t stand myself quietly cursing the excercises while at attention… I can’t stand myself yelling at a fellow marcher to stop moving. Two-face-ed-ness. Anger during outdoor rehearsals at the director. Sympathizing and being friends with indoors. Out of band.

They don’t know not to move. They’ve not experienced an attention drill. They’ve not worked for hours on end before states. Even those that have… they move. They slouch. They don’t care. And then I don’t care. It’s hot. No water breaks. Yes, we are allowed to fall out at any time and get water. But I didn’t need to. I could keep going the entire time without it. A water break would have been nice. It would have lessened the annoyance. The anger. The frustration.

Our eyes are never closed when we march. I’m not sure how it helps to practice heel-arch-ball-toe with our eyes closed. They say we need to learn step size. I’m fine with my eyes open… and I’m not looking at the ground. You can STILL see the lines, though. And then you add the heel-arch-ball-toe drill, and all balance is lost. It’s hard enough to do it with your eyes open, let alone closed. I wish he knew how much it doesn’t help at all. Only increases the rage of people like myself.

It’s strange, though. I feel rage throughout my being until Nolan blows up at someone. I then find myself playing a more passive role. Suddenly all my anger filters out, and I try to be understanding of the person currently enraged… either attempting to calm them or alleviate the situation. I’m not sure why I do that. I’ve never been passive EVER. Whereas I once might have yelled along with the enraged person, or argued with them if I thought they were in the wrong, now I become the balance. If I was mad and come across someone just as upset, I become more calm and let THEM be upset. Perhaps I realize that two enraged people are never a solution the the situations. Perhaps we really did learn to compromise after summer band. In reference to Nolan and I, that is. We never fight anymore… instead we give each other this “let’s shoot them all” look during rehearsals, and one of us deals with it.

He’s going through this entire nicotine withdrawal stage… gets rather ill during rehearsals and looks like he’s going to die. I always make sure he’s ok… goodness I feel so bad for him. Then today I had a headache and Kim got some advil to me. It was so cute… he did exactly what I do to him. He mouthed across the few people that are between us (because we can’t talk… to far away) was I alright? Yes, I only have a headache. He motioned that I could just leave the band room for awhile if I needed to. I didn’t, but it was funny, because just yesterday I motioned that he should do the same during a brief period that he was really sick. Of course, he didn’t leave either, but at least we’re looking out for each other. 🙂

I need to channel my rage and control my tongue. I don’t want to be this zombie that becomes so very pessimistic during rehearsals. That was last season me. That was the last TWO seasons me.

With that I’ll be

~swept away in self control~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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