of gladness, reflection, and babbling

I should be going to bed right now, seeing as how it’s 1:03 in the morning, but I had this strong urge to write. I just really felt there were things to say, and I didn’t want to take the time to write them by hand.

Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened? There are people in school that I think about, and I wonder how they really are, what they really do. People maybe I had seen once in my life and decided I would like them that I never actually got to know. There are people I once fought with all the time that I now realize are truly interesting people. In fact, the only reason I fought with them is probably because I knew they were interesting, but had no other contact with them. I tend to fight with people I respect… except for, say, Jillian Faye? Weird things are going through my head. Stemming from watching TV, to replaying horrible things imagined that Carmen mentioned to me about various classmates, thinking back to seventh grade, thinking through everything, environment, and wondering… I wonder.

Then my mind took a turn to French Kiss, one of those great Meg Ryan movies, most likely because I was rambling on about how I’m so negative about half of life but the other half I’m in love with movies like You’ve Got Mail, another Meg Ryan movie. Anyway, in French Kiss, (I’m going to call characters by the actors’ names) Meg Ryan follows her ex-fiance to France because she believes she’s still in love with him. He broke off the engagement when he fell in love with a French woman (which is why she follows him). So Meg Ryan gets to France and meets up with this French man who’s a crook, but who also tries to help her get the guy she’s in love with back. She ends up dancing with her ex, and he says that there’s just a light glowing in and around her, and he wonders why it wasn’t him that turned it on.

I have no idea why that scene occurred to me and simply won’t get OUT of my head, but it suddenly frees me from myself. I was sitting there in Steak ‘n Shake with Rachel, Cloe, Bill, Dave, and Alex, trying to not be awkward with Alex around, truly having a good time. Rachel and I were hysterical with laughter, and the entire combo was joking around and telling stories. We were reminiscing from the year (tonight was our last concert), and I was realizing how many inside jokes we all have. During one of my spasms of laughter, I saw Alex look at me, and I wondered if he was thinking about the combo year too. There were really never any competitions where we weren’t somewhat together, even way back in the fall… I wondered if he suddenly realized how idiotic he was. And after thinking about that scene, it occurs to me that I only thought I was in love with Alex. Regardless of if I thought it was only high school love or not, I understand now. I’m not saying a light has been turned on in me by anyone… because I don’t think one has. All I’m saying is, during all that time I was with him, the laughter and the truly good times faded. It never came when we were a couple… it only came when we were a couple in combo… it only came in combo. I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard with Alex anywhere near me… it wasn’t him! I only thought it was him! And you may be completely sick of reading about this, and you may think I’m the most shallow person on the face of the earth, but you have no idea how much freedom I just handed myself. I am completely cured! Where once I only held anger, contempt, and confusion, I can now accept with understanding.

Bill and Rachel came over tonight after everyone left Steak ‘n Shake. Lord it was so funny and so great. We played connect four for about an hour, I think. They are some great people… I’m going to miss them. It’s strange how there was constantly combo going on through January, February, and the first part of March. Then all of a sudden, everything stopped, and we never saw each other. And then everything got all screwed up because of Kevin and Alex, and Cloe and I respectively. At any rate, the point was that the right mix of combo members can easily cheer you up and make you glad that combo happened this year. Very glad.

Have you ever noticed how the weather can psychologically make or break you, to be cliche? Today, for example, was cold, gray, and rainy. I simply couldn’t motivate myself to do anything today. Had it been sunny and warm, I would’ve actually studied for calculus, and I would’ve practiced piano much longer than I actually did. And that, of course, is completely ridiculous, because if it were nice, a normal person would be outside. Well, when it’s nice out, I like to open the screen door and practice piano for an hour or more. It’s psychologically pleasing. Today was just depressing. (Well, the depression thing started last night… you know the whole depression by internet bit.)

That reminds me. As of late, I’ve seriously enjoyed piano. I took over a month off due to Top 25 trips and pit and whatnot. Now my onslaught of senior-itis (full speed ahead – 9 days of school left) has left me never touching my bookbag once I cross the threshold into my home, but practicing instead. I’ve been working out passages with the metronome and absolutely loving it. Last night during my dad’s concert, I was actually thinking how I couldn’t wait to get home and practice, and that it was a shame that it’d be too late to practice when I got home. Earlier in the week, on Wednesday, the horrible music we try to play in jazz band (it’s really not jazz at all) made me want to go home and play real music like I’ve never wanted before in my life. And I did! I went home and practiced.