must I title another entry with the word crying

I realize that all you think I do is cry anymore… and, well, that’s not far from the truth. Nevertheless, it isn’t… it’s just a good excuse for me to write.

Friday was rough, but Saturday and Sunday seemed to just kind of flow as usual. I adjust rather quickly to change, despite the fact that I fear it so incredibly much. I usually cry more before change than after. And while I’ve missed Chris, it hasn’t affected me too much – it’s easy to fall into the pattern of home where college doesn’t exist and boyfriends don’t exist. But tonight I broke down.

I had just finished watching Sabrina, a sappy romantic love story, falling for the characters as usual, when I came to the computer. I couldn’t wait to talk to Chris… I don’t know why, but something inside of me was counting on it. To at least say goodnight, if not talk for a few minutes. And I came back to a message from him saying he was tired and went to bed. I don’t blame him at all – I would’ve done the same – it just surprised me. And I broke down in tears.

Right now it hurts so badly… my heart is aching, and as I cry (and yes I just started crying again), all I want is for Chris to hold me. I don’t remember how to cry without his arms around me… I don’t want to cry without his arms around me. And then I think… what if I don’t see him for four weeks? God… I couldn’t handle that.

Anyway, I’m sorry for spilling my emotional guts all over you… I should supply towels for clean up or something, I know, but… you can always close the pages. They’re self-containing, I assure you. -smiles- *sighs*

I can’t breathe right now. It’s not really from crying, it’s more of the fact that since I’ve gotten home, I can’t seem to breathe at night. It concerns me on a rather small level to know that I can’t breathe, and concerns me on a greater level that I can’t breathe here but could breathe fine on campus all year? All I’m saying is, what’s the deal? Oh, and the crying doesn’t really help the situation.

Do you know with whom everyone should try living? Chris Schenk… not that I’ve tried it myself, but some people should.

Other people should take time and allow themselves to withold things… keep certain things private. That’s important, and I don’t think anyone disagrees.

I know of at least one person who should lie down, have their head petted, and be told “poor dear, poor dear.” Things will get better, I promise.

Mmm, then I have my own problems, like forgetting to call people on the weekend, or forgetting to call people at 10:30… then there are those people whose lives are excellent right now, because all summer they will live in the wilderness… with lots of dreadful kids. But hey, if they like it…

I came across my “Who’s Your Daddy?” t-shirt today.

I’ve realized that I can access certain diaries now that previously tended to blow up my computer!!! So I tried to leave a note… and it wouldn’t let me. Murphy’s Law. 😉

Goodnight, dears.