losing faith

I have lost all faith in people, heh. At least, I had by the time I got home from band. When I started crying my eyes out. Tyler, Jenn, Tyler, Bob, Nicole, Nolan, and Jay. Our officers. Now, Bob and Nolan are good choices. The other ones? Um, NO. None of us got elected. Not Aims, not Emma, not Becky, not me. None of the people that work our butts off out there on the field. None of us that give up other activities solely to dedicate ourselves to band. (I would have run for office in NHS but I wanted to be a band officer more…) Half of those people can’t even stay at attention for five seconds! Well, they probably COULD, but the point is, they don’t. Hell is freezing over. I walked into Mr. V’s office and asked if I could overthrow the government. I was serious, too.

It just ticks me off… we’ve been planning band for over 6 months now. We were the ones in Mr. V’s office after Pep Band discussing the new season. We are the ones that have been planning things and intending to run for office since December. To see it taken very ungraciously away from us by people that were going to QUIT this season kills me. I sound like a poor loser. And normally, I’m not. (normally I don’t lose… but I have before… that’s not the point…) But in this instance, I think I have every right to be.

So this was my attitude when I walked in. I’ve simmered a little. I listened to Candlerain and took a long shower. Then I sat down to practice piano before tonight’s recital. Oy… don’t ever practice with a bad attitude. It’s a sure sign you’ll kill yourself in the process. I’ve decided that my pieces will be fine. I’m prepared… I just have to let things happen. Be aggressive, but precise. Give it to God.

I’ve decided something else, between the time I got home and now. If I’m not an officer, I’m sure there’s a reason why. There HAS to be some reason. Perhaps there’s something else which will demand my attention. Perhaps this is allowing myself more time… not overextending myself as usual. (I don’t believe that one… if I spend all my time at band, this wouldn’t be any different.) Maybe I’m supposed to spend more time at church. Youth group. Maybe my high school will reacquire the school newspaper and I’ll be on the staff. Maybe I’m supposed to dedicate some of my time to creative writing and photography. I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I need to make the best of it.

I can’t believe I cried. Lately, crying doesn’t come too easily. But I cried over losing a band office! Perhaps I’m supposed to write the top 10 signs you’re a band nerd… lol. I’m still crushed though. I wanted SO MUCH to lead the band. To meet the other bands (which only officers get to do). Be a true representative of the values of the band. (Which most of the current officers do a very poor job of.) You know what sucks the most? The officers aren’t just for marching band. They’re the officers for the ENTIRE YEAR now. *frowns* Tyler. President of band. He’s still freaking in GRAY band. (lowest band of the three… no offense Kim and Emma) He doesn’t even LIKE marching. In fact, he SUCKS at it. Totally doesn’t take it seriously. Ok, I need to stop slamming these people. But I needed to vent. I hope you understand.

Fold the paper so that no one sees the ugliness of me. But if I’m honest, I’ll want someone to read. ~Candlerain

Meanwhile I need to focus on the recital. There are plenty of things to be doing before school starts. I need to get a move on. *sigh* Band camp… a week away. This time next week, I’ll be busting my chops in the basement of our dormatory… sweltering during rehearsal. Or will it be sectional time? The world may never know… if I don’t tell you, that is.

At camp on the first day our mission groups met, Mac made us tell the group the best thing about ourselves. I said I wasn’t afraid to be a nerd. And it’s true. Not just a band nerd, but a smart nerd. A lot of smart people, especially girls, are afraid to be smart and instead act all ditsy or whatever. I’m not afraid to be smart. And if you don’t know that I’m smart, I’m sure I’ll let you know. Which is NOT the best thing about me… probably one of the WORST things about me… stupid bragging. But I’m not afraid of that. And yet I find people hate me for it. Why wasn’t I elected today? It’s not because I’m not dedicated enough (voted most dedicated last season) or that I’m not qualified enough. It’s not because I’ve not had leadership experience (see entire resume from freshman year)… it’s because I’m not ?cool? (whatever that is) enough. I’m too much of a dork… I’m weird… I love band… Faith in people dwindling. Might I say something though? I love Aimee. I love Emma. I love Kim. I love Meg. I love Nate. I love Sarah. I love ConnieMarie. I love Becky. I love Ashley. I love Laura. I love Ryan. I love Emily. I love Jane. I have not lost faith in them. I’ve not lost faith in Nolan, surprisingly. Or Ian. Anthony. Shaun. Maybe I haven’t lost faith in people. Maybe it’s only the stupid people.

Did anyone else hear Mr. H say that only people are stupid? I thought that was great. That was so great.

I’m off to be

~swept away accepting fate~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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