June 18, 2002

I’m writing from the house on Peach St. in Lakeside. I’m staying here with the Streiffs for this week during Annual Conference.

I love this place. I love everything about it, with the exception, perhaps, of the Mayflies. Those I could live without. At any rate, this week is going to be awesome for me – it already has been. It’s just time to relax, hang out, reflect, pray, sing, walk, whatever I need – even practice. Oddly different from three years ago, I’m beginning to feel comfortable with CCYM. Perhaps it’s because I’m older now, and many of them are younger than I – I’m not sure. But this year People are starting to learn my name and even talk to me a little. They definitely feel like more of a group.

P.S. I had more to write back at the house, but Gretchen and I had to leave for Hoover. Now as I sit in Hoover waiting for afternoon devotions to begin, I will attempt to write.

I’ve never honestly put my heart and soul to listening. I’ve always prayed here in Lakeside that I might hear and listen, but it has always seemed like things were in my way. Well what’s in my way now? High school is over – next year is a new and fresh start. And college is thus far an open experience. I have not promised myself to any major, any field. I have no idea what I want to do, so now seems to be a perfect time to listen, to spend time with God and myself – what will I do?

Another aspect I’ve obviously spent, or rather wasted, time on is that entire opposite sex aspect. Three years ago I regret so much having not taken that time to listen and be affected by the weekend of YAC. Last year YAC hit me, and I’m so thankful for that. Reach Out has always been a mix… I’ve been affected every year, but every year has also been focused on more social aspects.

-later-

I’m now sitting just outside Hoover sipping some chai after practicing for a bit.

Back to what I was saying. As I know I’ve mentioned before, I haven’t had any “crushes,” perse, for 2 ½ months. During YAC the opportunity presented itself to maybe have something small, but I did something I never would have guessed I’d do – I passed. (Don’t worry – this all eventually ties in.) Not only did I realize, for once , that I just plain didn’t like the guy enough, I also remembered my first YAC – I didn’t want to miss this one too.

So in this aspect I’m free too. I have no relationships to tie up my heart and thoughts. I’m completely available for listening. To anyone else that may seem like a petty and unnecessary aspect, but as my history and diaries clearly show, that takes up my life all too frequently if only in my thoughts.

Side note – there’s no other place in the world in which I’d be comfortable writing in my diary in such a public place. There’s just such a comfort level.

This week is about praying. That’s a funny thing – I’ve never had trouble praying, at least in non-traditional ways. I can’t say I’m great at praying out loud in front of people, but I can simply connect my thoughts to God with ease. I guess in a way writing can be like praying, depending on whether or not that little window of your will is open. Not meaning you have to be writing to or addressing your thoughts to God, but rather simply do your thing and kind of open the line/window to God. It’s a little like saying, “Here, read my thoughts/words/diary if you want.” As the song goes, “But if I’m honest, I”ll want someone to read.” ~Mrs. Rogers by Candlerain.

Last night Lee did the CCYM devotions. First of all, that boy truly has a gift. His devotion was more like a sermon, and though Gretchen thought it was too long, I didn’t mind a bit. The kid had a message – the Lord had a message. And I think it was one I needed to hear. He spoke primarily about his call to be an ordained minister, and God’s call to everyone. It was about listening, and instead of saying, “But I’m too ____,” just doing it. And getting out of God’s way. After all, He does know what’s best.

I remember the first time I was truly broken. I mean, I’d cried before and I’d found God before this incident, but it was never the same. It was three years ago at the Sunday of Youth Annual Conference, and my first day ever at Lakeside. I’d gone to Cedar Point on Friday, but had to stay home Saturday for Carrie’s graduation. Mom and Dad drove me here Sunday to stay with the Streiffs for Annual Conference. I remember standing in Hoover with my youth group and next to Mom, and someone was speaking. I don’t remember who, and I don’t remember what they said, but I was absolutely in tears, broken.

Yesterday Kathy was reflecting on what a huge role Lakeside has played in her life. Well, so far, it has built, possibly even invented the majority of my faith. From that first time of being broken to all of my mission groups and times spent at Reach Out. Every single time I’ve been here my faith has either grown or regenerated. I guess the problem with my faith has always been the fact that I lose it during the year. But then again – this year may be different. There are no expectations for college. It’s a new opportunity, a new lifestyle.