June 13, 2002 cont’d

continued from previous entry

I’m really looking forward to the classes I’ll be taking this semester. I hope that I … you know what? Not important. Not important until I’m completely honest. I don’t know if I’m going to fit in or find my niche. Throughout this entire year I’ve been waiting to go off to college for a fresh start. I was going to go and for once I was going to “let my hair down” to be cliché… be confident and social and not self-conscious at all. But you know what? At orientation, it happened again. Totally self-conscious, completely unlike most of the people I came across. And I found myself feeling… not so smart after all. I start to wonder if I belong in the honors program. Can I handle those classes? Can I think as deeply as they want me to think? Can I speak the German they want me to speak? Will I manage my time effectively and somehow manage to read all of my textbooks without falling asleep? Motivation? But there’s more than just the academic side – do I belong at Miami? No, it’s not quite what I expected as far as preppiness goes, but almost everyone was more so than I felt. Everyone at orientation seemed older than me… especially the sophomores and juniors, which I suppose is to be expected. However, even the honors people seemed different than me. Of course, I know that wasn’t even a tenth of the people I’ll come across, but it still worries me. It did, after all, take quite a few years for me to find my niche in high school. Will college be as great?

Furthermore, should I room with Meg? Meg and I were wondering why, again, aren’t we rooming together? We’re in the same dorm and everything, but we hadn’t planned on rooming together. On the one hand, I know she doesn’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or have sex. These are all good things. I know she works hard and studies hard, and I know that she hates being cold and likes staying up online as much as I. Good things. We could start planning our room right now – coordinating and figuring out who’s bringing what. On the other hand, we do, on occasion, drive each other simply mad. It doesn’t usually last long, but nevertheless, when it happens, it can be vicious. Furthermore, rooming with your best friend kind of takes the adventure out of college. I know what I’m going to get that way. I’m also afraid I’d be too clingy to Meg. It would be too convenient to stay in the safe realm and not have to face many people at first. And would we change? Would we get sick of each other? Would rooming kill our friendship? Or would it strengthen?

I feel like not having a major has a strange affect on my status at Miami. In terms of classes, I think it’s absolutely the best way to go. I can take pretty much whatever I want within certain guidelines for CAS. Anything that interests me under specific categories is up for grabs. My schedule is awesome because of this, and I’m going to get a very well-rounded and diverse education. However, perhaps declaring a major gives you even more community. It means you may be seeing more of certain students and teachers, and share with them a specific interest and goal. Undecided… I’m a floater, I suppose. But floating can be good.

I can’t wait to be in Lakeside… just think… this time tomorrow night I’ll either be on my way to Lakeside, or sitting in Hoover auditorium, listening to Gretchen read us a bed-time story. (She does every year J.) It’ll be my fourth year at the Cedar Point part of YAC, my third year attending the actual conference part of YAC, and my second year attending annual conference. I absolutely adore Lakeside, and I am so excited at the thought of spending a week there with the Streiffs. Yes, I am rather tired and haven’t been home much, but going to Lakeside may be the relaxation I need. So peaceful, and it will put me on such a spiritual high. I always cry at YAC – will I this year? Two weeks at Lakeside this summer – two full weeks to end my senior year. This is my last YAC, my last RO. My last years at Lakeside as a United Methodist Youth in the true sense of the word. God I’ll miss that place. Hopefully I’ll come back every year, regardless of my age.